Nervous.......

Oh Lord God, why have you forsaken me with sooo much emotion. No, not really, I like it Lord....in fact, I love it......see, "Love", a strong emotion....Anyway, I am very very nervous about my RA interviews coming up. I know that everyone says that I shouldn't be, but I just am. I was just gifted with soooo much emotion that I instantly feel the strongest of any of my emotions. Good thing that the thing that I can control really well is my anger.

Don't get me wrong, I am confident about it, but I'm still nervous because I have always feared the unknown. The main reason I am nervous is because I feel that I am becoming an RA for the wrong reason. Personally, I wanted to be an RA just to have that staff connection since I haven't had that. When I say that, I mean that I just wanted to truly be involved with the RA staff as a member and I am forgetting what else goes with the job. Most of the time I forget this and that is making me nervous. I see RAs having fun and I forget the purpose of what their job entails. I do have to have fun with the job but I have to remember its purpose, so there has to be a balance. For right now, Im just nervous.........

Crazy......

I just realized that EVERYTHING IS DUE NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!! I have an abstract for my film class due Tuesday. I have an oral presentation for spanish on thursday. Clark Hall's written bid is due that Tuesday as well. Finally, I have to film and edit the skit this week and next week. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Times like this make me wish that this was done before Spring Break.....why me.......

Ill be doing a lot of praying......

Perception(cont.).....

Also, I have become a taker instead of a giver. I'm not talking about my birthday, just other things. I need to give more to the people who support me. I feel that they support me more than I support them. Its just subtle support like nice things that people do for me and I take it without giving some kind of compensation. Even though they say that I shouldnt repay them, they would feel great if I did. I just need to find a dichotomy for what I give and take......

Perception.....

Ive been thinking lately (I know, never a good sign), but I have been thinking about the way I relate to others. I need to change the perception that people have of me when they first see me. In other words, I always look stressed or distressed at something. I haven't been fair to my friends. I need to be more upbeat than I am. Like I've said before, I was never like this last year so now that I am twenty and not teenager anymore, I guess this is the perfect time to start this new outlook.

I don't think that I have been fair to God as well because of the way I've been acting. He knows that I am better than this. I have dealt with bad days before, and now that I am older and exposed to new things I guess bad things are going to become more and more common and this year has been a test on how I can deal with it. I need to trust in the support system I have with my family and friends. I have been blessed with this support so I should respect it as He would intend, but not just for Him for myself as well.....

They're at it again.......

This one's cool.....

Two decades of life......

OMG!!! I am at a loss for words. So, I was coming back from Chicken Express yesterday having dinner because Jenna and Johnny O offered to pay for me as a birthday gift, I entered Clark and there was a huge group of people crowding the front desk. Now, I have never been surprised before so I was shocked when everyone started singing "Happy Birthday" to me and gave me gifts. Wow, I am just amazed how much support I really have. Unfortunately, God did not give me better words to say other than, "THANK YOU!!!!" I wish i could I say more but there is nothing I else I know. Thank you sooo much guys.....

Alright......

I have been really down these last couple of days, I mean REALLY down. I have never had my heart broken in such a way that it really hurts to the point where I feel so insignificant. Its like what Ron Burgundy said, "I have no heart, because a she-devil stole it!!!" Everything can be tailored to that movie. Anyway, I have been alone in my room not talking to anyone except my roommate for the past two days. I just wanted to be alone and sort out these feelings for myself.

It wasn't just the girl problem that got me down, I was also contemplating all of the unusual bad things that have happened to me over the school year. This has never happened to me before. I have never had sooo many bad days before. Well, like I said, I wanted to be by myself and I didn't want to hear any cliche remarks from people about how its going to get better. Trust me, I know that. I just wanted to sort this out for my self and be depressed for a while. Sometimes, having your space is needed. I see that now.

Basically, I'm still not over it, but I am letting myself out of the room. So, to anyone whom I know, if I avoided you or snapped at you, I'm sorry. These are new feelings for me which I have never felt before and I guess this is the way I cope with it.......

Girls......

I think that this is the....seventh time that I have been rejected. For those of you who have been single for a very long time.....I feel for you. There are those of us that women do not see attractive at all and do not even want to get to know us fully at all. The sad fact is, that although most of the so-called hot girls are the superficial/sudo ones, there are those girls with great personalities and whom you automatically connect with that reject you for some stupid minuscule reason that they can not fully back-up.

My roommate once told me last year to not look for love, but let fate guide on your quest and just keep on living your life. Although he was right, I feel that when opportunity knocks that you have to answer the door. I believed today was my opportunity, and regardless of past failure, I was going to be confident. Besides, the one in middle school she had to be the most shocking rejection: she just flat out said no, but it was a tone that suggested a little disgust at the question.

I had known this girl for six months and we were becoming really good friends, so I just don't get it. I know that I am not that attractive, but damn!!!! Oh well.....

I am going to try and not let that ruin the rest of my life and just stop at this point in my life. I mean I am depressed, but i figure that I am only 19 about to be 20, so I have a long life ahead....I hope....I will let fate guide my life and pursue my life's dreams. After all, this is life and I have to cope with rejection, even if it is a whole bunch.......