The Craziness That Is Me

Pride....

2011-04-14T18:45:00.002-05:00

A lot of people say it's fear, but when you really think about it, pride is the root of all sin. It instigates our drive to fear and anger.

I was tested a lot today and yesterday within myself and how others affected me. We are all prideful about something personal and the fear of losing it catapults our anger, whether it be an insult to our good nature or flaws. Of course, with family and friends that is another story entirely.

Always lift up your family, even if their faults may have a bad reflection upon you, and always lookout for your friends. If a friend falls or someone else trips him, try to be there to pick them back up. "No greater love is there than for a person to lay down their life for a friend."

But I digress (big word!), I have tried to quell my anger my entire life because I refuse to become what others try to make me become. To put it simply, the past haunts me and I put up with a lot of insults growing up, which both hurt and helped me become who I am. First of all, I come from a family of sensitive people, so it is already ingrained in me, however, it means emotions manifest very deeply. I have the capacity to over exert my emotions.

If you knew me, I'm very optimistic and passionate about things in life, and I try to be that person that is welcoming to anyone. I try to never allow anyone to see me angry because it's a foreign thing that is scary, even for me.

Yesterday, I was angry with myself for a work-related accident that really could have been avoided and today I was angry at a coworker who doesn't outright insult me, but continuously judges my nature because I am way too different than what they prefer me to be. Unfortunately, the person is just way to self-absorbed anyway, so in reality I shouldn't think much of it. But, it just finally got to me today because it added to the already shameful feelings I had yesterday. I left the office, went outside, and cooled off.

I was mad, frustrated, and stated how that person's nature was so much lower than mine. However, I thought and prayed about it, and saw how my own pride started judging them comparatively. I thought how past insults in my life have affected me, because Lord knows I've endured many like most people. I have usually thought myself better than that person for never degrading myself to their level, but it's a two-way street and I'm condemning myself in the process.

The Beatles said it best, "All you need is Love". All I can do is know what is true and keep following it on through (did I just rhyme without knowing it?). Anyway, we're all human and we get angry, some more than others, but we have to understand that what motivates our anger is our pride. It may suck, but let them insult us, we know what is true in ourselves. And, as always, shit happens, we learn from it and go on. Never dwell on it, because that just provokes an unhealthy, long-standing relationship with what I've been rambling about: pride.....

The 2nd Ten Commandments....

2011-04-10T00:04:00.002-05:00

I went to a conference for my job and our keynote speaker was really awesome! He has won the most high school basketball games in history. he survived a devastating, life-threatening car accident when he was in his forties, and while he was recovering from that, he learned he had cancer coursing through his body. Crazy! well, of course he was not going to let that stop him. The cancer was located in his leg so he had it amputated. He is now about seventy-something years old and still in great health.

While he was talking, he gave us some smart quotes and words to take back and the one that stuck with me was a list that said, "The 2nd Ten Commandments" and it spoke to me because it dealt with all the things that I go through in life, while still maintaining a free-grace feel to it. So, i want to share them with you and hope you find it useful too:

1. Though shall not worry; for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
2. Thou shall not be fearful; for most things we fear never come to pass.
3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them; for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes; you can only handle one at a time anyway.
5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you; for they make very poor bedfellows.
6. Thou shall not borrow other people's problems; they can better care for them than you can.
7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone.
8. Thou shall be a good listener; for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own.
9. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration; 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive actions.
10. Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

There you go! I will of course fail at these many times, but they are wise words that have strong roots in the way I plan to live my life.

My verse....

2011-04-02T23:02:00.004-05:00

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.
But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at last your care for me has flourished again; though you surely did care, but you lacked opportunity. Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4: 8-13)

Man I love this verse! it fills me with joy every time! It's a phrase I read every time the world's craziness attacks me and pulls me inside. I know it's long but it speaks so much.

Now, just because I may be now at a point that warrants this verse does not mean that I have not meditated on it many times before. This is one of the strong verses that made me seriously reevaluate my relationship with God. Not only does it clearly state our dependence on Him, but it states how my own character should be within the relationship. I have always, always been told that my greatest strength and my greatest weakness is my ability to care and trust too much. I have faltered many times with placing worldly care and trust above Him as many do, and I write this in order for me to continue opening this new chapter in my life.

With every terrible and awesome moment my faith strengthens as I really try to put my full trust in Him and know that I am loved. It's ridiculously hard for me sometimes. It really is ridiculous because I can easily forgive someone but if someone else forgives me, I still find it hard to forgive myself. This chapter is very new for me because I didn't grow up with strong Christian values. I came from a very strict and structured right vs wrong mentality. I was close-minded to the sense that I was ignorant to the lures of the world and religion was just something I was supposed to know. The base of my knowledge was God is good and Jesus died for our sins. The end. I never delved any deeper than that until now. I love where I am now and I hope and pray that never changes. Things in my life may change that I will have to deal with but my relationship with Him won't. I will falter, many times, but He is my security blanket that I can crawl back to. I know I'll be fine and can take on whatever the world throws at me as long I care and trust Him......oh! and remember my verse....

A New Life.....

2011-02-15T18:11:00.004-06:00

Well, what can I say....I started this blog while was in college and now that I have graduated, I can now spend more time going back to my second favorite hobby-writing.

To everyone who says that finding a job is hard after college, probably did not try very hard. I can honestly say that in less than a year I have been in three jobs since graduating. I was a receptionist for a senior rec center, which was a lot of fun, because it made me much less afraid of getting old! I worked for North Central Texas College for six months in the admissions department. I had a lot of fun there and learn some very valuable lessons from a dear friend, Kay Barham. I have to say that God led me to that job to meet her. She made me realize my own character and what possibilities I could achieve. I am sad to say that she passed away a couple months ago and it was the first time I have ever had someone outside of my family die very suddenly. It still affects me a little, but I know she wouldn't want me feeling sad for her all the time.

I knew her for only six months, but they were some of the best life-changing months I have ever had. I then got a job back at UNT as an Admissions Counselor. Next to my RA, this is the best job I have ever had! My basic duties are advising prospective students on how to get into UNT, travel and recruit students from different high schools in Texas, and accept or deny students. I basically help students get into college! Of course, the only down-side is when I have to deny a student, but hey! I get to travel a lot and take friends with me!

I will say though, that the job can affect someone's personal life because I can't hangout with friends as much as I use to, but I guess that's a part of being an adult. Speaking of friends, I have grown much closer to God through the relationships I have with my friends and people in general. I have written many times how much of a people-person I am, but it gets hard when you live alone and my friends help me see that I am never alone.

It's weird. I am an adult and there's nothing left to be anxious about. However, I have always strived to maintain that age is only a number and will carry that belief to my grave. God wants me to enjoy life and not worry about tomorrow. He conquered all worry and bad times for me so I can put it all on Him. I thank Him every day for that! I feel more free than I have ever been because of it and now I can begin a new life! I know I will stumble along the way, He knows I will, but I know He will always be there to pick me back up!

Reader, you can tell that this blog is a little different than some of my others. Just know that I am trying to free my self of the past since I have been haunted for way too long. It will take time, but I am finally confident in myself. Confidence is a feeling I have rarely ever felt in my life will strive to hold onto it. If you see me, or know me, feel free to slap me if I do revert back to my old self. Just kidding, but seriously....tell me!

Well, I think that's a good update for 2 years worth of absence! Thanks for reading and God Bless!

PS- I am also dating someone.....yeah, I know-FINALLY! so that might be why I am so happy right now, but who knows......

JD and Turk: Back in the habit...

2008-10-30T21:39:00.003-05:00

I'm really going to try this time to get back in the habit of blogging because it really does help me a lot when I write my feelings down.

Let's see...

A lot has happened and I will spare you any long stories so here is the edited version of what's been going on over the months...

In April, I surprisingly became RLAC President by going to a GA, forgetting it was elections, and got nominated. I think it was to make up for the fact that I didn't get the Senior RA job, but still, I was and still am very nervous about doing this. I think I'm doing well so far....

In June, I went on my first date since being in college and it was great, but she was a person who didn't want to be tied down to a boyfriend yet because she wants to get her life in order first, which I can understand.

In late July, The Dark Knight came out and I saw it four times. I know, big surprise...A week later I dealt with my first big RA incident when I walked into my first room for safety checks and the resident had passed away. He committed suicide with a helium tank. I'm fine, but it was an experience.

In late September, once again I unwittingly walked in and was thrust into a position. This time it was an RHA GA and I came in seeing people holding their hands up. I wondered what was going on and right when I was about to sit down, I heard my name being nominated for something and I froze. I asked what it was for and it was for Homecoming King, so...

Homecoming came and Dana Cardone, The RHA President, and I became Homecoming Lord and Lady of UNT. That happened this past Saturday.

Those are the three big events in my life right now. Once again, I'm doing Star Wars on Saturday and I'm going to SWACURH next Thursday.

I love my residents this year compared to last year and our staff right now is amazing, I couldn't ask for a better boss.

I found a really good friend finally, that I can relate to as well. Don't get me wrong, i still hang out with all the other friends I made in college, like Ben and Johnny O, I haven't seen Andy in a while, but it seemed like he felt his journey led away from us, which I respect, and I have lost many a friend to that, so I'm cool.

Austin is cool, but he seems unsure about where he is going, but then again, aren't we all. He'll be a great psychologist one day because it's uncanny how empathic he is. He really is the Neo to my Morpheus, or better yet, the JD to my Turk....take that however you want it....

Fleeting........

2008-04-03T23:23:00.002-05:00

Ok, I am welcoming myself back to writing blogs because I have taken too long of a hiatus from blogging and I apologize to people who actually read this, so here it goes.....

I just found out today that I am officially an RTVF major and I am very excited and once again it got me thinking about my life, and yes, I know, here we go......

Anyway, I thought about what it took for me to get here, how long it took me, and what am I going to get out of it? Needless to say Im kinda worried about my future but that is the nature of the college student and in a way I know that this fear will pass because in my opinion we need this fear to drive us forward and not let it conquer us.

Also, friendships.......once again, have been on my mind lately. Mainly the fact that one of staff members just out of the blue asked me if I had a best friend and at first I said, "no" but then I corrected the statement and replied, "I dont know" in the history of my life until now friends have been a pass and go relationship. I have talked about this before with others and they all have told me the exact same thing about enjoying the time in which I know them, but one person told me something that I will never forget. Ryan, think of the impact you are making on each person you meet even if only for a day, an hour or a minute. Each person guides you in some way through life because you learn from them. Even if you dont see them 20 years from now, you still remember them because there will come days when their name will pop up or you might see them out of the blue. If God guides us along, it means that things happen for a reason no matter how small or fleeting. So, if anyone I know or have met is reading this, you are awesome and thanks. I hope to see those who I havent seen in a while sometime in the future. It makes you know that friends and life are not fleeting........

Time Ahead, Time Past, Time Missed.....

2007-12-05T19:57:00.000-06:00

These past few days have been very stressful for me. If I had to count all of the things that I had due from the Monday I came back from Thanksgiving Break to now, I have had ten things due in multiple classes just because it is the end of the semester.

So, I am very sorry to all of the people that read my blogs since I havent posted them. Its all just nonsense anyway, I dont know why you read this stuff. Just kidding, but seriously.....

Anyway, another reason why I havent blogged in over a month aside from an overload of work and school is that I have been doing a lot of thinking about my past relationships with friends I have had and have right now and noticed how much things change throughout my life. Think about. You have that one special friend when you are young and you both think you will be friends for years and in some cases that does happen, but then there are those where you have an awesome relationship with and then whether it be days, weeks, months, or years, somehow something will happen where you never see him or her again, but the memories stay with you forever. I know its cliche but its true and from that person you learn and grow into understanding in how that person ran their life.

Needless to say, this has happened to me many times as Im sure it has happened to you and it just got me thinking about the person I was in the past and how much I have grown. I was a different person in elementary school, a different person in middle school, a different person in high school, and now, I am a totally different person in college, which is great because throughout all of this time meeting different people help me grow tremendously to who I am. So, here's to you people who know me. Thanks!!!

Ok, now onto the time ahead because I look at the future and what will happen to me. Right now, Im just a junior in college and I know Im going to be a super senior, but in that process, I am seeing so many good relationships leave me. Sure we say that we will keep in touch and hopefully we do, but what happens next will always be the question. Its sad to think about, I know, but then I think of all the things I have learned about that person and 9 times 10 it works, haha. As I have blogged before, I am not a person who handles change very well, but I adapt eventually.

It just becomes hard to see your life in a different light, but I have done it before and I am confident I can do it now. There is just going to be that hole where there will be time missed.....

Catch up....

2007-10-31T12:15:00.000-05:00

Well, a lot has happened this month, mostly dealing with a lot of changes with the dorm and myself.

well, first and foremost, we finally got a new hall director at Mozart and his name is Steve and he is awesome. I have a good feeling about this guy and his methods of trying to be an amazing hall director.

There really isnt that much to report on my end about my exciting life(stop laughing) except I am keeping up very well with all of my friends, old and new, and I am once again doing the Star Wars marathon again (geez, stop laughing!!!) because it's an awesome to get people together and just hang out on saturday and possibly rest, especially after dealing with homecoming once again. Man, I have soooo many programs coming up this week!!!

Anyway, to spare you all from mindless rambling, Im gonna stop here. Just trying to play catch up....

PS-Happy Halloween!!!

John....

2007-10-06T01:03:00.000-05:00

John Davis is a friend whom I have known since middle school. We never went to school together, we went to church together. Both of our mothers were very involved in our church choir and they still are. We and group of other church friends who we were equally close with would always hang out during the weekend like going to the movies or just being spontaneous. I didnt know anything about John outside of church and some about his family because we lived just down the street from one anotther.

The reason I write this is because John Davis is missing. My mom called me this past Sunday and told me he had been missing for a week and she didnt want to worry me too much until she had more information. Apparently, they found his mom's car 90 miles from Amarillo which had run out of gas and he lives in duncanville which is 20 minutes south of dallas and no where near Amarillo. he always wanted a car. Im really scared right now. A detective came up to Denton from my home in Duncanville and interviewed me trying to get any information about John. I just wish I knew more about him other than our affiliation with church. The thing is John would never do something like runaway so abruptly but there is no sign of a kidnapping so he must have ran and we dont know why. My mom is really distraught right now and Im a person who hates to see any of my family members distressed because it affects me. Right now, Im trying to go on with my life at the regular pace but it is getting increasingly difficult. i have never had to deal with anything like this so my emotions are just running rapid in confusion. I am going to seek counseling and try my best not to affect the others that I care for.

John Davis is a dark African-American male with dark brown eyes. He is tall, about 6'1" skinny with a very broad forehead and sagged eyes. If you have any information, please call the Duncanville Police at (972) 780-5037. I miss you John......

Fast.....

2007-09-29T14:54:00.000-05:00

Life has been going very fast for me at the moment. The weeks are going away like the wind. Im not complaining because the weekends for me are longer because I rest. Also, I cant believe I have yet to skip one class since the semester started. Thats got to be some kind of a record. Im just glad its fall because the air is cooler and I have awesome days in fall because, like spring for most people, fall just gets to me and makes me feel awesome no matter what. Anyway, the life of an RA is very fast paced, its all go, go, go, go....Im used to it though, its just like when I was president, but much more responsibility. Ive said before that my residents are awesome, but not just my residents, but all the residents in the building. Like most dorms, there are a few who only get involved in dorm activities, and this place is no exception. We have a lot of people who get involved. Anyhoo, September is almost over and October is almost here and sooo many things are happening this month like my movie marathons (stop laughing), birthdays, midterms and projects, Halloween, on-calls, and most of all: Homecoming. Oh well, Im loving it, the fast pace keeps me on my feet. I hope everyone is doing well, but that their life isnt going as fast.......

Missing.........

2007-09-19T13:12:00.000-05:00

I miss you a whole lot. Its been a long while since we have talked and when we do talk, its very awkward. You have your friends and I have mine but so what, we are still friends right? I feel neglected by you, like you have changed over time and I dont know why. I want to talk but you dont want to tell me anything. It has changed so much. I feel like you are not the person that I knew anymore. I want to talk to you but I am so afraid that you let me in or help you that I just dont. I want it to stop being awkward. We are really good friends, at least, I think we are. I am not going to change who I am and act towards you, I just hope that you can trust me because the fact of the matter is that I feel little respect from you when I try to be there or try to be nice. All in all, I miss you man......

Oldies.........

2007-09-18T22:22:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I am soooo happy that I finally got 101 Dalmatians in the mail!!! I watched it once by myself then again with some of my residents. One of them stated how nowadays kids dont appreciate the old cartoon movies like this one. They are too used to CG and grand special effects. I feel blessed to have at leats grown up with a huge respect for old Disney movies or any old movie that I used to watch as a kid that probably came out in the 60s to 80s. Oh well, at least my brother is culturing my nephew on films of the past. In fact, some of the first movies he ever received were some of the ones I watched as a kid, so there's hope. I plan to keep on buying the old Disney movies and others like the Wizard of Oz so that I can culture other kids or for my kids (maybe). Anyhoo, thats my rant for today......if u want it u can take it, if not send it right back...... ;^)

Powerless......

2007-09-10T17:25:00.000-05:00

Wednesday Semptember 5th, 2007 is a testament to how awesome God is.....

Ok, I was awoken by my alarm on my phone at 8AM for class. As soon as I touch it and turn off the alarm, my phone completely dies: No screen, nothing. Im like "Well crap" so soon after I try everything I know to get my phone to work again, I look up online the closest AT&T store and luckily there is one only two miles away from the campus on 288. I decide to go there immediately after class to check on my phone.....

So, Im done with class and Im walking straight to my car, but my automatic locks dont work, so I opened it manually, I put my keys in the ignition, turned, and nothing happened: My car was dead (at least, the battery was dead). At this point I am frustrated and I have to contact my parents. I use one of my residents' phones, call my parents and my dad says he will come up there to help me out since he works only 3o minutes away. I call Triple A and they come, along with my dad, and tow my car to Pep Boys while my dad and I go out in his truck to get a new phone.....

On the way, I learn that my dad lost his phone about a week prior, which, of course, I think is hilarious. We get to AT&T and my dad buys both him and me a new phone.....check that, its the same phone I had only new. We drive to Pep Boys and it turns out I need a completely new battery. I pay for that and by now everything is right in the world so my dad and I go out for lunch before he returns to work. I come back to Mozart and it has been raining all that day but by then it was sunny when I returned. From then on my day was spectacular and nothing else bad happened..........

Ok, so enough with the long story, the reason this relates to God is because I seriously think he had all of this planned out and here is why......

On September 2nd, it was my brother's 34th birthday, which he does not like for me to mention, but he, mom and dad came up to see me in my dorm room after the came back from the UNT Vs. OU game. If they had not come up here that weekend, my dad would have had no idea where I lived when he came up to help me with my situation. He could not contact me at all since I had no cell phone, which also proves how much we are dependent on technology but that is a whole nother long story. Anyway, It just goes to show you how even though this was a small plan of His, He has bigger and greater plans for us in the future, so we should never feel powerless........

My DNA......

2007-09-01T10:17:00.000-05:00

To find out more.......

My personalDNA Report

Changes.....

2007-09-01T09:30:00.000-05:00

Well, a couple of changes have happened in our hall. First, the biggest and most important change is that we are getting a new Hall Director. I know!!!! Im only about three weeks into school and Im already getting a new boss!!! To give Philip some justice, he got offered another amazing job as marketer for all of Housing which is a full-time job and he gets paid much more now which is of course reasonable. Even though I have only known him for three weeks, he has been one of the best bosses I have ever had and one of the coolest. I will miss him, but he will only be living a couple of blocks away in a house.

Another change is everyone's reaction to how different Mozart has become. While Casey and I work desk we have gotten loads of compliments on how different the place has been and how a lot more people come out of their rooms to hang out. People who have lived there for the past three years have said that it is the most people they have seen out of their rooms this early in the semester. Casey has his music and video games and I have my movies. I know, a match made in heaven, right? It is going to be an amazing year!!!

The last change pertains to me. Like I have said before, it is hard to not see the faces that I had seen every day for the past two years. Making new friends here is awesome and its what I love to do, but, I dont think Im alone here when I say that it makes you feel like you are abandoning some of your other friends which just makes you feel all kinds of out of sorts. Keeping up with my other friends is going well except for a few people but I am catching up with people that I havent seen since freshman year and some from high school like Zauber( His name is Ryan Zauber, so you can see why I call him Zauber) my best friend. Oh well, great things can never happen without some changes......

Adapting.....

2007-08-24T10:04:00.000-05:00

Well, I survived RLT and trust me it was grueling and tough!!!!! It has been a while since I have been so exhausted. It literally was boot camp for RAs.

Also, Im finally moved into Mozart and I love, but, truth be told, its no Clark, but better rooms and better living. I will say that it is not the same community I had at Clark, but surprisingly to me it has a strong community here. My residents are pretty cool, at least the ones that have moved in and come out of their rooms. Plus, I have learned that Casey and I, a fellow rookie, are the only RAs to have the greatest number of residents: 70. I feel special and at the same time scared out of my mind!!! But I know that Ill be fine, its just the fact that have so many Student Interaction Forms to do now, oh well, Ill live, hopefully.

This semester is hard because as much as I love meeting new people its hard not seeing the people that I used to see every day. All I can do is keep in touch no matter how far away they grow. Well, Im gonna finish watching Scrubs and start my day.....

10 days......

2007-08-01T22:09:00.000-05:00

Well, it is now officially august and exactly ten days until RLT and I officially become an RA at Mozart Square. Needless to say, since i have said it many times in the past, I AM TOTALLY SIKED!!!!!!!

Anyway, today was another grown-up or mature day or whatever you want to call it for me. I liked this girl whom I have liked for a few months and known for a year and I told her today how i truly felt about her because i felt that to let true love remain unspoken is the quickest way to a heavy heart......ok, i got that last part from a movie but it fits. I told her that whatever she said in response would not do anything to our friendship. Even though she declined, she told me how awesome it was that I was very honest with her and not drag on awkward moments when we are together. Plus, contrary to what people might think I am still truly going to stay friends with her.

Alright, also, I have noticed that I have not kept up with any of m friends this summer, past and present and I feel like an ass because I havent and I bet they think Im an ass. Oh well, if they are my friends they will forgive me but in my defense I have been working a lot and taking classes on the side. Although, I think that one of the reasons I feel this way is because some other friends of mine havent been keeping up with me like they usually do which makes me feel bad so before the summer is up i need to catch with people and see whats up.......

This Road I'm On......

2007-07-12T16:52:00.001-05:00

Well, i know its been a while, but here it goes.....

Lets see, i recently got back from an extraordinary road trip with my friend ben to go see my other good friend andy in Del Rio, Texas and if you do not know where that is look on a map, locate san antonio and look directly west/left from there. Also, we spent 4th of July in lake jackson where we built a bonfire on the beach at the gulf of mexico. It was awesome, by far the greatest 4th of july and road trip i have ever been on since it was with friends.

Ok, well, onto whats happening in life. Well, I guess right now nothing too big to report, Im just thinking about my future, as usual. Now that the school year is approaching Im a little worried about being an RA at a new place because its a huge change and if theres one thing that my brother always told is that I am horrible and coping with change, but I have had some long time to think about it and get input from several people and and all I can say is, "Carpe Diem" and seize whatever comes my way, Ok, thats the last time ill dwell on that here, I promise.

OH!!! I saw Harry Potter 5 the other day and it was amazing and all I can say is that it was bad ass!!! I have read all of the books and they did leave a lot out of the movie but even if you havent read it you would still understand it and be impressed.

So, back to reality...I have been really trying to do new things that dont involve movies and reading and currently its just extremely hard for me. The reason I am doing this is so I can connect with more people because I feel that my interests isolate me from everyone because I am a very rare person who enjoys these types of things. Dont get me wrong, I am not trying to abandon what interests God has given me, Im just trying to expand my horizon since i feel isolated from most people who are interested in some of the same things, and i dont want my future to boring. Connecting with people has been hard for me for a long while, and I find myself not being able to talk to people because Im so different with what I like and do. Plus, I know that this is a stretch but i think that it sometimes has to do with the fact that I am not your stereotypical black man and dont act "black" as some would associate most black people as and its the same with other races as well. Things have changed but not fully. There are those who still treat people by the color of their skin and even though we hang out with different races there is that little voice in the back of some people's minds that tell them that that person is different. Its even voiced sometimes in the jokes we make about other groups of people. I try to break that but its a futile battle when people believe in stereotypes given to them and it makes matters worse when the group goes by those stereotypes and lives them, which im just going to say that my race does that and most of the time it sucks.
Anyway, I just want to say that if you are my friend and reading this I am not yelling or condemning you Im just voicing my own opinion on the matter because my whole life has been driven on the road of differences with my family and friends. God has really blessed me in giving me sight to see in-depth character in everyone and I believe everyone has it but its just shielded by other influences. Im just going to try not to isolate myself by what I usually like to do and try new things to better my communication. Its very hard for me to live this life by who I am and what I do, but then again, whoever said life was easy? I know it wasnt God. Well, all I can do is to continue to walk by faith on this road Im on.....

Destiny....

2007-06-19T21:19:00.000-05:00

Everyone questions what their destiny is and if you knew me very well you would know that I have questioned that for more than half my life so far. I have always wondered what God had in store for me in the past by the choices I made back then. what kind of person would I be if I did do this or where would that have led me? For instance, before I was born my dad wanted to call me Jamal, a very typical Black name, but my brother wanted me to be named something different(He was 13 at the time) so he thought of a name that was not common for a black person to be named and he came up with Ryan. My name defines me because I am black but I dont segregate myself to my own race, and my brother told me thats why he named me Ryan, he wanted it to define me. I know, smart thinking for a 13 year old.

I know Im preaching to the choir because we all have felt that way some point in our lives about our destinies but like I said before I have always felt this way. The problem with being very different from other people you find it hard to find your place in the world and that sense of loneliness. I am very anxious about the future and I know very well that I shouldnt be because God does have a plan for me and its up to me to make the right choices.

I guess Im also preaching to the people who read this as well to not worry about what your future holds and as cliche as it sounds God does have a plan. Once again Matthew 6:25-34. I really need to start living by that verse because I worry to damn much. Work with the talents that God has given you and whatever comes at you make sure you make the right choice because even the smallest, simplest one can effect our entire destiny. Its both deep and somewhat cliche, but its true.......

Summer Update....

2007-06-05T10:37:00.000-05:00

well, nothing too big except I GOT MY FIRST PAYCHECK!!!!!....not that this is the first paycheck i have ever gotten mind you, its just the first this summer. Also, Greta, the Hall Director for Clark, left on Sunday to go back to her home in California since she is officially done with graduate school. I am really going to miss her.

Lets see, I had my annual family reunion last sunday during memorial day weekend and that was great as always. I got about $50 from awesome relatives that used towards food. Of course, I still cant wait for Harry Potter: the last book and the latest movie. Work is the same, but its never boring even though we do the same stuff all the time and there are days where it is different.

Oh, and I have come to the realization that I need to read the Bible more. its been a while excluding Lent because that was a promise but I want to read it out of my own jurisdiction. i feel that it would really help determine my identity for what I shall become for the rest of my life because I have realized that I am 20 now and need to start thinking about what the future will hold for me as an independent person.

Also, everyone who reads this needs to checkout my friend Ben's awesome website that he helped create at his summer internship: Its amazing!!! You get to create your own songs on the internet with drums, guitar, and pianos. Be patient with it because its still under construction, but it should be finished by the end of the summer.

Well, so far so good for me, I hope everyone else is doing well......

Pirates!!!!!!!

2007-05-25T15:02:00.000-05:00

Pirates 3 was amazing and Im not just saying that, it actually was amazing!!! It blew the second way out of the water (no pun intended). There was just sooo much awesomeness in this one and it renewed my love for the the films. I think it actually gave the first one a run for its money. Im not a person who usually thinks that sequels even compare to the first in the series so this is one of those rare moments......

My Job....

2007-05-23T20:26:00.000-05:00

Man, I love my job. It may not be the best job in the world, but hey its a job!!! It may pay minimum wage, but hey, its a job!!! I may just be cleaning rooms, but hey......its a job!!!!!!

Seriously, I do love this job. A job that entails cleaning rooms may be trivial to some but I have an awesome group of people to hang out with and they all feel the same way about this job. If we didnt have each other, this job would suck BIG time. We are forced to see each other every day for a total of 91 days during the summer and I am pretty sure we will be ok with that.

Like I have said before this is a learning experience for me since I am working away from home. God will test since Im only twenty and I hope Im prepared, but at the same time he has given me a good support group that feels the same way I would feel in a situation pertaining to my job. Of course, its only the first week and a half but a lot has gotten me going and how much I need to learn from this job no matter how trivial it is. It keeps me going.

Its a good thing that I have my own room now so that I am able to contemplate things more fully.....

I hope everyone I know or who knows me is having a great summer!!! Hit me up if you want to talk!!!!

Summer......

2007-05-19T18:49:00.000-05:00

Well, summer is here and I think that it is not going to suck this year. The main reason why is that I am not home and here on campus working. Yeah, I know that there are going to be days where being here is going to be boring but the way I see it is that I would rather be here than at home.

To me, this is a growing experience for me since I am working and also away from home. It might sound corny, but Im loving the independence and being here with friends. This weekend, everyone left and I am basically sitting here in West by myself. Its only the first weekend and every one is gone. I can understand that its summer and everyone here wants to really START their vacation but Im really loving this relaxing time right now, since it gives me a chance to evaluate things in my life.

My job is fun for the most part. The only strenuous thing is the same cleaning routine at every dorm but I sense that everyone else on the CA crew feels the same as me so we all have no room to complain and we have fun with it which is awesome. Well, I have all summer and this weekend is only the first of many. I hope everyone has an awesome summer!!! I want to take a road trip somewhere with some friends, I might arrange that......

Geez!!!!......

2007-05-10T16:53:00.000-05:00

Why am I so emotional? This is suppose to be a happy day!!! Im done with Finals, my parents are proud of me, Im going to have an awesome summer with friends and Im going to be an RA, so what the hell?!!!!

I know that some part of it is because of my brother of course, but his condition is 100% cure-able. Also, it might be that Im leaving Clark and Ive never been a person who has an easy time dealing with change, but c'mon its going to get better, right? YEP!!!!

I hope to God that Im not turning Emo!!! Oh man, my worst fear would come true. So, why am I dwelling on superficial things when I know that God would never let me down? I just dont know

I need to stop dwelling in the past and focus on the present. So what if I had bad things in the past, I need to learn from them and brush it aside. As for the future, I shouldnt worry because I know there's a plan for me out there.

Ive been on and off with this all year and now, at the end, its starting to get on my nerves. Is God trying to teach me about coping with my strong emotions and learn how to control them?

Ive been treating my friends like crap lately and getting angry over the most stupid stuff. Im sure its more annoying for them than it is for me. Im sorry guys.

This can not happen next year. This was a test and I barely past. I really need to get over myself, especially if Im going to be an RA. I really do hate feeling this way and I know that its not me and who I truly am........

Read this.....

2007-05-07T21:47:00.001-05:00

This is a passage from a fellow blogger who is a friend of mine. He is also going through some rough times as well. I havent talk to him lately because I feel that I dont want to burden him with sympathy about my situation. Anyway, it a good passage that made me think about my faith and my relationship with God, plus how other people relate to Him. Warning: It is kind of depressing, but the root of it is good. Judge whether you agree or not......

It's a hard line. It requires more than it looks. The worst part is dealing with how far is too far. How far do you go before you have to step out of the box? I find that most times, the biggest reason people can't walk that is because they don't enough about what they believe to do it. We sacrifice our love for things that we don't fully understand under the assumption that we're standing for what we believe in. It's what you do in America, right? You sacrifice the group for personal happiness. This is what we're taught; this is how we live our lives. This is why the Church failed. It's why I no longer have a desire to get to know to people.
So much of my heart feels so hardened toward others. I can't help but feel this gigantic pain that never ceases. Walking outside, the wind blew through my hair. It pretended to refresh me and give me hope. The wind had something in it that desired to revitalize me. It was as if it had a purpose, but it had no reason. The wind didn't direct itself to find me. It had no choice. It filled it's own desire to be needed and left me unfulfilled, wanting more.
That's the way I see things now-a-days. We watch shows that give us hope that there's more to life, but what if we just came to realization that there isn't more. We aren't connected to each other on a personal level. Our desire is to find someone that we can use to give us our own high. Then we leave them. They've filled our egos. They've filled our self-centered hopefulness, and slowly, we've forgotten what's really going on. There's no longer a church. It has become a group of individuals that use each other for personal gain.
What destroys me is when I choose to talk to people about it. The church has failed, and we do nothing to change it. I feel the need to say that the bride of Christ has cancer. It's the cancer of pride, of egotism, of narcissism. So let's pretend like everything's ok. I'm dying inside. It hurts to continue to walk. It hurts to continue to fight this battle. I wish things could change. I pray that it one day does. America badly needs the eastern missionaries to show us what love is or to show us what a community really is.
I spent some time thinking, looking into my different relationships, revising them if you must. For the Dentonites, the one that I thought was my most valuable turned out to be the most abusive. "How's it going?" is the question asked of me, and all I can think about is "Why do you care?" I know their answer to it. I do. I don't like it one bit, but the truth remains. It's a question that doesn't have to be directly answered. Actions are more noticable than we think. For the Del Rioans, I no longer feel that I have a right to be involved. I've left. That town is a place that I no longer consider home. It's a place where my parents live, but it's not my home. I am no longer active, and so I have no right to believe I have value.
For the most part, burdens hurt, but why should you care? I believe Lawrence was right. Elliott Smith saved us all.

*EDIT* P.S.: Before there is any confusion, when I say that the church failed, I blame the church. This includes myself. Therefore, I blame myself as well as others. My own shortcomings help to add to the failure. I do not claim superiority as a christian. I am probably the worst of us all, though we are no better than anyone else, and that includes John Wayne Gacy and Cho (the guy that mass murdered Virginia Tech).

One of my favorites......

2007-05-07T21:30:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favorite quotes from the Gospel according to Matthew because I try every day to live by this quote, and it is just one of those moments where I really realize how deep Jesus was. It is kind of long......

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[a]?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

2007-05-07T20:19:00.001-05:00

Im just really scared......

My Idol....

2007-05-07T18:25:00.000-05:00

If you ever ask me who my idol is, I would always tell that it would be my brother. He has always been there for me and has never let me down at anything. He is a person that I would not hesitate to take a bullet for and Im sure he feels the same for me.

My family, on my dad's side has a history of prostate cancer and my brother went to get a check up and the doctor told him that he does have traces of it and should immediately take care of it. So, he is going to have surgery this summer. Ive been a little distressed about this and it doesnt help that its Finals week. He told me not to worry about it even though he knows I am. I will continually pray for him......

9=Mozart

2007-05-07T18:19:00.000-05:00

Well, as if those who know me dont already know, after 9 interviews at every single hall on campus that I could interview at, the last hall to interview me, got me, Mozart Square!!! Im really excited because Im in the system and the community of RAs. I know it sounds nerdy, but I think that Im going to enjoy it. Who wouldnt? free room and board and you get your own room and best of all, Ill be working in an upper-classman dorm and it has amazing rooms. Plus, the president of Maple, the dorm next to Clark, will be working with me as well. I feel very lucky to have been the only one to have received an interview from every hall, at least thats what Carl told me.....

Prayer.....

2007-04-17T00:38:00.000-05:00

Lord, please be with the victims and families of those at Virginia Tech. Please comfort them in this horrific time in our nation's history.....

Whew!!!!.......

2007-04-16T22:14:00.000-05:00

These past two weeks have been.....not exactly "hell" because i have enjoyed much of it, its just been very busy. It's why I havent blogged in almost three weeks. Anyway, I left you at the part where was very nervous about my RA interviews....well, I GOT PASSED PHASE 1!!!!!!! Of course, if you already knew this then Im not telling you just the people that don't know.

Well, now that that was out of the way, I had to concentrate on Hall of the Year. Needless to say this was going to take a whole lot of my time, literally. The Bid for HOY was due on Tuesday April 3rd, and also everything else that was school related was due on that day. All of the projects I had to so before Finals were due on that day. Fortunately, I got everything done, but at 4AM!!!!!!! and I had to get up at 7:45. What made my day awesome on that day was that it was done. I kept saying to everyone that when Tuesday is over i will be fine. The bid was amazing!!! I was soo impressed by it that I printed out a copy so that everyone could see it. Sort of an unofficial yearbook for Clark Hall. The paragraphs that me and my board wrote were sooo wonderful!!! Good job guys.

Ok, The next thing that I had to worry about was the filming part of HOY. We were doing a spoof on Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I dont know how we could do a spoof of a spoof but it worked spoofilly. Well, we started filming on that Thursday and it went sooo well. Josh was amazing as the Bridge of Death guy. So, Good Friday rolled along and as usual I watched a rendition of the Passion to remind me what He went through for us. I got a call from West Hall for an RA interview on Thurssday!!!!!!! the only thing was that I was sooo nervous because from that day on I began to get anxious about how I could be an RA at West because I just couldnt see my self there. But, I had more pressing matters to attend to like editing my HOY video.....

Editing takes forever, even for just a six minute video so a good friend and I edited the video on Sunday while I also studied for two tests that i had that week. Also, I was checking my e-mail and I got an e-mail from Melanie Sawyer, the new Hall Director of Clark and Honors hall and she wanted to set up an interview!!!! YES!!!!!!! Thus began the awesome second week....

In addition to setting up the interview for Clark and Honors Hall on Thursday and finishing the HOY video very late on monday night, i had finally heard back from the CA position and I secured my summer!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! awesome week!!! Tuesday of that week was the last day that I had to deal with RHA!!!! YEAH!!!! What a great week!!! the videos from the other halls were hilarious by the way and one of my tests were pulled back a week!!!.....

So, Thursday came along and I had to prepare for my interviews at West, Clark, and Honors while also preparing for RHA Day. The interviews went very well. Luckily, I talked to Andy before my interview and he made me feel much more calm about it and made me realize that no matter what hall I get put in I will be fine. He was right, because my interviews went very well, and I wouldn't mind working at any dorm now. Dont get me wrong, working at Clark would be awesome too.....

The conclusion of my week was the crazy president's inauguration and Field Day. Lets just say that I wasted five hours of my life at this inauguration with them talking about how great our new president is. Take it from me, she's ok, but she's mean. That whole day was just crazy. Ironically, it was Friday the 13th and we almost had a tornado on that day. God was mad that we dedicated a day just to her. Ok, Field Day was amazing, tiring, but amazing. Everyone had a blast, literally, because everyone got hurt by the end of it. Although, we had ice cream and cheesecake to top it all off......

Now, my two weeks of not-"hell" would not be complete without me contemplating things in my life. the latest thing I have been pondering is my friendship with a certain person. He.....yes, "He"....is very passive with me and I guess Im just an emotional guy, I get it from my dad, but if I can trust people with my emotions, why cant he trust me with his. its just frustrating and angering, so I had to talk to someone so i talked to Andy. Best guy to talk to by the way. We had a very long talk and he suggested that I take a break from hanging out with him. So, I am. I just feel that if he cant trust me and I can trust him, whats the point?.......

Ok, its Monday night on the third week, and to save you from reading a never-ending blog, Ill just stop here. Just know that I right this long because everything is ending, and i only have this week and next week left of CHA and class work until Finals. I cant wait until summer!!!!! Whew........

Nervous.......

2007-03-29T00:11:00.000-05:00

Oh Lord God, why have you forsaken me with sooo much emotion. No, not really, I like it Lord....in fact, I love it......see, "Love", a strong emotion....Anyway, I am very very nervous about my RA interviews coming up. I know that everyone says that I shouldn't be, but I just am. I was just gifted with soooo much emotion that I instantly feel the strongest of any of my emotions. Good thing that the thing that I can control really well is my anger.

Don't get me wrong, I am confident about it, but I'm still nervous because I have always feared the unknown. The main reason I am nervous is because I feel that I am becoming an RA for the wrong reason. Personally, I wanted to be an RA just to have that staff connection since I haven't had that. When I say that, I mean that I just wanted to truly be involved with the RA staff as a member and I am forgetting what else goes with the job. Most of the time I forget this and that is making me nervous. I see RAs having fun and I forget the purpose of what their job entails. I do have to have fun with the job but I have to remember its purpose, so there has to be a balance. For right now, Im just nervous.........

Crazy......

2007-03-27T23:39:00.000-05:00

I just realized that EVERYTHING IS DUE NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!! I have an abstract for my film class due Tuesday. I have an oral presentation for spanish on thursday. Clark Hall's written bid is due that Tuesday as well. Finally, I have to film and edit the skit this week and next week. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Times like this make me wish that this was done before Spring Break.....why me.......

Ill be doing a lot of praying......

Perception(cont.).....

2007-03-23T22:02:00.000-05:00

Also, I have become a taker instead of a giver. I'm not talking about my birthday, just other things. I need to give more to the people who support me. I feel that they support me more than I support them. Its just subtle support like nice things that people do for me and I take it without giving some kind of compensation. Even though they say that I shouldnt repay them, they would feel great if I did. I just need to find a dichotomy for what I give and take......

Perception.....

2007-03-23T11:43:00.000-05:00

Ive been thinking lately (I know, never a good sign), but I have been thinking about the way I relate to others. I need to change the perception that people have of me when they first see me. In other words, I always look stressed or distressed at something. I haven't been fair to my friends. I need to be more upbeat than I am. Like I've said before, I was never like this last year so now that I am twenty and not teenager anymore, I guess this is the perfect time to start this new outlook.

I don't think that I have been fair to God as well because of the way I've been acting. He knows that I am better than this. I have dealt with bad days before, and now that I am older and exposed to new things I guess bad things are going to become more and more common and this year has been a test on how I can deal with it. I need to trust in the support system I have with my family and friends. I have been blessed with this support so I should respect it as He would intend, but not just for Him for myself as well.....

They're at it again.......

2007-03-16T13:48:00.001-05:00

This one's cool.....

Two decades of life......

2007-03-16T12:04:00.000-05:00

OMG!!! I am at a loss for words. So, I was coming back from Chicken Express yesterday having dinner because Jenna and Johnny O offered to pay for me as a birthday gift, I entered Clark and there was a huge group of people crowding the front desk. Now, I have never been surprised before so I was shocked when everyone started singing "Happy Birthday" to me and gave me gifts. Wow, I am just amazed how much support I really have. Unfortunately, God did not give me better words to say other than, "THANK YOU!!!!" I wish i could I say more but there is nothing I else I know. Thank you sooo much guys.....

Alright......

2007-03-10T09:47:00.001-06:00

I have been really down these last couple of days, I mean REALLY down. I have never had my heart broken in such a way that it really hurts to the point where I feel so insignificant. Its like what Ron Burgundy said, "I have no heart, because a she-devil stole it!!!" Everything can be tailored to that movie. Anyway, I have been alone in my room not talking to anyone except my roommate for the past two days. I just wanted to be alone and sort out these feelings for myself.

It wasn't just the girl problem that got me down, I was also contemplating all of the unusual bad things that have happened to me over the school year. This has never happened to me before. I have never had sooo many bad days before. Well, like I said, I wanted to be by myself and I didn't want to hear any cliche remarks from people about how its going to get better. Trust me, I know that. I just wanted to sort this out for my self and be depressed for a while. Sometimes, having your space is needed. I see that now.

Basically, I'm still not over it, but I am letting myself out of the room. So, to anyone whom I know, if I avoided you or snapped at you, I'm sorry. These are new feelings for me which I have never felt before and I guess this is the way I cope with it.......

Girls......

2007-03-07T22:57:00.000-06:00

I think that this is the....seventh time that I have been rejected. For those of you who have been single for a very long time.....I feel for you. There are those of us that women do not see attractive at all and do not even want to get to know us fully at all. The sad fact is, that although most of the so-called hot girls are the superficial/sudo ones, there are those girls with great personalities and whom you automatically connect with that reject you for some stupid minuscule reason that they can not fully back-up.

My roommate once told me last year to not look for love, but let fate guide on your quest and just keep on living your life. Although he was right, I feel that when opportunity knocks that you have to answer the door. I believed today was my opportunity, and regardless of past failure, I was going to be confident. Besides, the one in middle school she had to be the most shocking rejection: she just flat out said no, but it was a tone that suggested a little disgust at the question.

I had known this girl for six months and we were becoming really good friends, so I just don't get it. I know that I am not that attractive, but damn!!!! Oh well.....

I am going to try and not let that ruin the rest of my life and just stop at this point in my life. I mean I am depressed, but i figure that I am only 19 about to be 20, so I have a long life ahead....I hope....I will let fate guide my life and pursue my life's dreams. After all, this is life and I have to cope with rejection, even if it is a whole bunch.......

Tired....

2007-02-26T22:30:00.000-06:00

Right now I feel like dozens of nights of going to sleep really late at night is all coming unto me at this one particular night. I got seriously tired around 5pm and I took a serious nap. I woke up still feeling tired. I really need to take more naps or stop going to sleep so late. Although, knowing Andy, he would want me to take more naps.

The Oscars were last night and we had a program in the TV room, but setting up for it was killer and then, I realized how much really don't relax during situations, which is a huge flaw in my life. I guess I do get flustered and stressed over jobs and duties that I have to do in my life. I have always been told to relax and I really should. I just get caught up in the moment and focus on the little things instead of the big picture. I get it from my dad. If I do become an RA I really have to work on that.....

It Has Begun....

2007-02-21T00:07:00.000-06:00

As of this moment Lent has begun, and guess what I have given up......MOVIES!!!!! That's right, I am officially rehabilitating myself from my overbearing love of movies. It took loads and loads of contemplation for me to come to this decision since I have never done anything like this before. This has to be the greatest thing that I have ever given up during Lent, and I am going to stick to this no matter what. Here are the terms:

The days that I am not going to watch movies are monday thru friday and since Lent is null and void on the weekend, I am only going to be able to watch two but my goal is to abstain completely. I am only going to watch two if it is only necessary.....I hope...

I believe that Lent helps me gain a closer relationship with God and for the past couple of years I have been taking it for granted and not really celebrating it to the fullest extent to the point where I almost stopped practicing it. Also, I give up something trivial just for the sake of it and it doesnt do anything for me. So, I feel that this Lent will be a turning point in my relationship with God.

It will be hard, Im not going to lie, and despite what others think, I believe that I can do this. I feel that I have broken the 1st Commandment which is Thou Shalt Not Have Any gods Before Me. In my spare time I will discover new things that interest me so that I can come out of my bubble of being invested into one interest. By doing this, I feel that I will have closer relationship with God because I am putting Him first which will, hopefully, teach me a lifelong goal....

I Love Stewie!!!!.....

2007-02-15T18:56:00.000-06:00

Happy Single Awareness Day(SAD)!!!.....

2007-02-14T13:41:00.000-06:00

No, seriously, Happy Valentine's Day everyone. May that special someone really know and understand how you feel....

Connections....once again....

2007-02-13T23:16:00.000-06:00

I had my first Black History Program at Clark on last Wednesday. It was at 7pm in the tv room and it was a discussion panel on every thing to do with racial issues now and in the past. It was crazy. It was sooo hard to contain everyone because everyone had something to say about everything. It lasted until 1130pm!!! Amazing, I know!!!

Anyway, after that program I began to reevaluate the way I perceive my life and try to really notice the way people perceive me. Some of the ways that I have noticed about my life are good and of course some are bad. The way others perceive me is different because there is more bad than good.

Well, at Clark I am perceived and known as the "movie guy" and nothing else. The fact is that throughout most of my life I have been known as that. It grows on you in both a good way and a bad way. People can always count on you when it comes movies and entertainment, although, that is all that they can count on you for because that is all that they think is our purpose.

people have different purposes and interests on this earth and most people have more than one. I am afraid that I think I have just one. I am afraid that this is going to be the only thing in my life that people are going to know me for and it is scary. I can not connect with people in any other way. Basically, I need a life....

In a way, it seems that I am jealous of those around me and I use the term "jealous" very loosely because I just sometimes yearn to have and experience what they have experienced since I have not done much outside of my own one interest.

Well, the real reason I am writing this is that yesterday a friend and I were hungry but I had a meeting to go to and told him that I would call him once i get out. So I do and he is already eating. The thing is, he seems to do stuff like this a lot. Its not just him, but its like that with a lot of my friends making it seem that I don't have the connection that I should if I am their friend. I dont know, maybe I'm not being a good friend.

There are barriers that I feel that I cant get around because I am one of the few people that are black, has an interest outside of sports, and hangs out with other races more often. I guess some people are still not used to a black man hanging out with you. I am mad at my friend but we are only human and I shouldnt concentrate on little problems and look at the big picture: at least he is my friend. The full connection may not be there, but he still is my friend.

Despite it all, I still pray, and I pray for that day when I will be seen by all for more than what they think interests me. My interest does not completely shape who I am.....

Nerds!!!!....

2007-02-11T14:29:00.000-06:00

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Awkward.....

2007-02-06T00:22:00.000-06:00

I recently helped my friend Janna with a school project where she had to come up with an imaginary product that she could sell to others like an infomercial. So we both got to thinking and all of a sudden I came up with the perfect product.....Awkward-Away: It would help people not have awkward moments or conversations. That always happens to me. I dont know why, I guess I just cant talk to people even friends without having some kind of awkward moment. Anyway, Janna loved it and decided to use it.

But, Im focusing on the fact that I have sooo many awkward moments in my life that I guess it has just grown on me. Living at Clark I am constantly surrounded by friends so for me I guess its hard to talk to everyone. I am in a crowded room with bunches of people that I know and they all are talking to one another and have things to say and I have nothing to say. I mean I want to say something, I just dont know what. This also constitutes my lack of female relationship status. It sucks!!!!

For me, to have a conversation means that it has revolve around some form of entertainment, in my case, movies. It gets tedious after so many years and I yearn to relate to other things but I feel that I missed out on certain things that everyone else has experienced. Every time a friend of mine starts a conversation with another that is interesting, common knowledge, or just a funny topic, I just say to myself why cant I think of stuff like that to talk about. Im sure Im not the only one who has these problems. Talk to my friend Janna she has a product that can help you.....

Hyde's evil results....

2007-01-31T23:46:00.000-06:00

My family has always told me that I dont know my own strength and that I can be hulk when motivated. Well, as you know, I dont play sports a lot and so having all of that sports persistance bottled up inside, sometimes explodes when i do play sports. Its kind of like a Jekyll and Hyde complex. So, being involved in Clark means that sometimes I play some sports for fun. Well, we play soccer at midnight on fridays, which is Johnny-O's program. Although I try to suppress it, my Hyde complex comes out every time I play sports and I get crazy and tough. Recently, its been towards women. Trust me, I have been feeling horrible about this because the last thing that I ever want to do is hurt a woman.

Ok, the day was sunday and ben, johnny o, and I were playing ultimate frisbee with others. Well, johnny o's team had the frisbee and it was about to be thrown to johnny so I thought I would intercept. Well, we collided, his foot wrapped around mine and twisted, and he fell. At first he looked fine until I saw him crawling on the ground. i rushed over to him and noticed that his right foot started to swell up incredibly fast, "Oh, crap!!!" So, Ben and I were told to go to the hospital and we found out that he had broken his ankle.

Needless to say, the remainder of the day and Monday i really felt like total crap. I have never felt so bad within myself so i didnt let anyone see or talk to me because of how I was. I am currently still recovering but trust me, I am so much better than I was. i really have to watch my Hyde complex because it is messing up nice things in my life. Sometimes, "I'm sorry" just isnt enough....

Frustrating People.....

2007-01-27T21:08:00.000-06:00

I just talked to my friend Keaton who has had a crush on this girl we both know and he finally asked this girl out, just to do something small to see where it might lead. Well, the girl told him that she was very busy and gave a very strong and compelling argument. We found out later that she was still here when she said she had to leave which really pissed Keaton off and I dont blame him. I feel for you man. I have the same problem with women and it sucks, badly.

Also, a certain staff member at Clark has really been getting on my nerves lately. I should say that this person has been getting on my nerves since I first moved to Clark my freshman year, but Im a person that likes to give people chances so I figure that he (yes, its a he) will change over time, which I thought he did but I was wrong. He plays around a lot saying that he hates me because he says it in a very sarcastic voice. Although, lately he has been demonstrating this to me a lot which has really been annoying me. Have you ever met a person who everyone likes and that person likes everyone else except you for some odd reason? I hate to not like people but this person is really making it hard for me to resist the urge.

Dont get me wrong, I can take a joke. I have been made fun of for more than half of my life and become used to it since I have realized that Im just an easy person to joke with, but I do have a line that I draw and once you have crossed it, its hard to cross back.

But hey, I cant change people's outlook on the world no matter how much I want to. As a wise man once said, "You cant change the world, but you can make a dent"-Edward Norton. There will always be people who cross that line and frustrate me, but I must learn to deal with it.

And yes, I know why Ben, people are stupid. I dont mention the name of the person who has been frustrating me because if I read this years later I hope that will have forgotten that this person has angered me and it wont matter anymore, hopefully.....

Road Ahead....

2007-01-26T00:22:00.000-06:00

Well, The Lord of the Rings Marathon is over and Im amazed that it only took 11 hours to watch it because I seriously thought it would take longer than that since it was the extended versions. Oh well, its over and it was success even though we didnt have the projector. Everyone loved having my sound system in the TV room. It really is needed for that room. Clark seriously should consider getting one.

Life has been going very well lately which is the way it should be. I think things are much better here at Clark Hall at the beginning of this semester. The people are more adept to everyone since we have all come to know each other. The new people here are incredible as well. I also got a new roommate named Robert who is pretty cool and I dont think there will be any problems, heaven forbid.

Right now things are fine. Johnny O still makes pranks, Ben still thinks he's always right, but a good person for advice, and Andy still has some self-loathing but ironically is still a good person to go to for any kind of philosophical advice.

right now, I look forward to the road ahead, even though I have been a person who has had anxiety about the future....

IM BACK!!!!!.....

2007-01-18T21:38:00.000-06:00

Hey world, Ryan is back and finally has a new laptop!!! This thing is amazing, I swear. Its much better than my old one. Well, I guess I have to fill you in on the events that have happened since I last left you...

First of all, I am keeping my promise and bringing in this year with a smile. When I returned to Clark it was awesome to see everyone back from the break and it was great to have a 3-person room to myself for a whole week. I watched a ton of movies and hung out in the TV room a lot since I had it all to myself. The first couple of days I was in Clark by myself since the RAs were at training, so it was kind of bittersweet to have Clark to myself. I did get bored and began to wish I was an RA but I knew its going to happen next semester so it was cool.

I did, however, become the honorary RA of Clark Hall while all of them were gone. Carl, the AHD, had me doing RA type jobs around the dorm to get ready for the residents to move in. It was fun and good training.

It was nice to see all of the residents come back and start to rekindle things back at Clark. We truly are not just a community but a family as well.

It was a long weekend to rest and relax with friends at every corner. On MLKJ Day, I hooked up my sound system to test it out for my Lord of the Rings Marathon and it worked very well. Then, I got many petitions to watch movies in there with the system so we watched a couple and judging by everyone's excitement I decided to hook it up in there more often, preferably during the weekend.

All of my classes are going very well so far and I think this semester will be better than last semester because I am no longer under the tyranny of Astronomy.

Ok, on wednesday, January 10th, I predicted that it would snow exactly a week from that day and no one believed me since I saw it on weather.com. I kept on saying it but no one believed me. Then, on the next wednesday, I got a call at 7:15am from Johnny O stating that I was right and he was wrong and he told me to look outside, and I just yelled at the top of my lungs. Needless to say, I had bragging rights all day while having snowball fights, watching movies, and drinking hot chocolate. It was a good day.

Well, thats it for right now, except that I am sick, but its just my nose running. My throat stopped hurting yesterday so Im good. Today is also Mr. Jumper's birthday so happy birthday to you Ben. I hoped you like the thoughtful gifts that everyone got for you. I cant wait to go to Olive garden tomorrow. Friday is going to be amazing since it is the first Friday that I dont have classes.....YES!!!!!

Hello 2007!!!!....

2007-01-04T08:54:00.000-06:00

The year is finally over and time to start anew!!! Happy belated New Year!!!

I just got back from vacation and it was amazing!!!! I have never had so much fun with my brother, sister-in-law, and my nephew. If anyone has never been skiing then I suggest you do it before you die because it is sooo much fun!!! We drove to the Apalachian Mountains and skiied at a place called Shanendoah Valley. It was beautiful up there, and so cold!!! The snow was so thick that it reached my knees sometimes. Now, to make a long story short, I did not ski on any mountain where you would have to be a professional, i started out very small since it was my first time, and let me tell you, I fell so many times that my brother could not stop laughing and neither could I. But, it was fun to fall into the snow, I loved it!!! we stayed there for two days since we had to travel to Birmingham, Alabama for my uncle's funeral. It was a really nice funeral because I learned so much more about my uncle that I didnt know. He was a very religious person and had a lot of strength. Also, it was nice to get to hang out with all of my cousins while I was there. We went to the mall, saw the movie Dreamgirls, which is a fantastic movie by the way, and we just hung out. It was a very relaxing vacation. The East Coast is beautiful. As me, my brother, and my nephew were driving back from Birmingham to DC, we saw numerous mountains along the way that were just awe-inspiring. It was really cool to get to spend a lot of much-needed time with my brother because as I grow up, he sees a lot of himself in me when he was growing up, which makes him an even more awesome brother because hew gives me a lot of advice.

Yes, I needed that vacation soooo badly because of all the frustrations Ive had. What's funny is that there were frustrations also during my vacation, but it did not bother me. Too many to mention, but just know that I did not and would not let it get to me. I still dont get the deal, but Im tired of worrying about it, so Im welcoming this year with a smile.... :^)

Oh!!!

2006-12-25T18:17:00.000-06:00

Just a side note, Ill be in Washington DC tomorrow until January 2nd visiting my brother who I havent seen in about 2 years, which is long enough to declare legally dead. Its going to be awesome!!!!.......

Merry Christmas!!!

2006-12-25T11:55:00.000-06:00

To all who read this, I wish you a Merry Christmas!!!

But, I have to tell you what happened at my church....

Well, it started out as a regular church day, where I go to church help out the choir, and hang out with friends. It was Christmas eve so my choir was getting ready for our annual Christmas program and we were practicing while helping Father Mike decorate the entire church. Thats when it happened....

Father Mike realized he was in a jam for a part of the Christmas ceremonies, he forgot to pick out a Santa Claus. He and others started fanning out all over the church looking for anyone who could play Santa Claus, and my choir director, whom I have known all of my life, told them that I could do it. Uhhh, needless to say, I immediately said, "No!!!" and went on the rest of the afternoon at the church saying it because lets just say that exactly ten Chritmases ago I played Santa when I was nine for a play that my school put on and I tripped and fell. That experience has haunted me all this time. I also started looking around for anyone else who could play Santa, anyone, but everyone had stuff already to do for the program and couldnt do it. "Why me" I kept asking myself, then I realized that it was because God wanted me to do it. I guess, he wanted me to take that nine-year-old phobia away from my life....

In great reluctance, i agreed. Of course, through all of the entire service and program I was as nervous as I had never been before. I didnt know what was wrong with me because I have been on stage dozens of times, so I guess it was just that event that happened ten years ago....

It was time. I got up there, did whatever Santa Claus does with my experience of seeing it done from other Santas in the past and all in all, it was worth it. To see those kids light up when they saw me was just soooo indescribable. It brought me back to when I was that young. It was awesome. They sat on my lap, told me what the wanted for Christmas, and took pictures with me. Geez, I have a huge soft heart, "Why me!!!", but thanx anyway God....

No Humbug for me.....

2006-12-21T19:02:00.000-06:00

Weird, all of these bad things keep happening even when Im at home. This year has totally been a drag...

Ok, once I got back I told my parents about my computer and the lengths i took to get it fixed, and they were proud of my effort to get them not to spend money, but we had to. So, the only place I looked up where I could possibly get it repaired was Northpark Mall in downtown Dallas, about 30 minutes away. Well, my mom and I went there, it took us 20 minutes to find a parking spot, we go in, and the store tells us that it would cost up to $500 to get it fixed. WHAT!!! Needless to say, they suggested we buy another one, so I have been trying to look for good prices for another ever since that day. Next, the dryer broke in our house after I dried my clothes, then, the garabage compactor broke. Today, we just got news that my uncle Chris is doing worse and its only a matter of time now. My mom is flying off to Birmingham to see him tomorrow so she might not be home for Christmas. Oh yeah, my dad found a gray hair on my head and I told him that it had to be because of this semester. That tells you I have had stress....

But, you know what, through it all, Im not mad or depressed because its Christmas. I make sure I do all the family traditions. Like every year, I volunteered at the Salvation Army by handing out gifts to neeedy families for Christmas. Because of the money we have to spend, I might not get a present this year, but you know, I really dont care. Its funny, I could actually care less. I have gotten all the presents for the people who care about me and that is what makes me feel good. Christmas has always been that special time of year for me where I reflect and my life and thank God so much for it. I truly think that this is a test from Him and I bless Him for always making see the true spirit of the Holidays. I truly think that nothing can destroy that spirit for me and thats the only present I need....

Vacation, all I ever wanted.....

2006-12-15T22:59:00.000-06:00

Christmas break is here and it's time to celebrate. I am done with astronomy forever!!! So what if I got my first "D" in college, I still passed and that is good enough for me. I thought this terrible semester was complete when my laptop broke....oh yeah, my laptop broke. the connector on the back of the computer that connects the chord to the outlet broke off. So how am I writing this blog, I am at home on my desktop. Anyway, Back to the end of the semester....so as I was saying, I thought that this terrible semester would be complete with the total annihilation and destruction of my laptop, but no, I finally found my silver lining....I know its corny but just go with it, ok.....some really good friends of mine donated some money to buy me a $40 gift card to Hastings. Now, I have seen my fair share of tear-jerking movies in my day and have never cried at any of them, well except Passion of the Christ, but lets not get into that, anyway, this act of just plain awesome kindness almost made me want to show my feminine side. Oh c'mon, every man has a femenine side whether we want to accept it or not. I really can't thank everyone enough for what they did.

Well, its vacation time and on the day after christmas, the 26th, I am going to Washington DC to see my brother. Man, I cant wait because we are going skiing and its going to be awesome. Considering all of the dumb and stupid stuff that has happened to me this semester and normally does not happen in my life, I deserve this vacation.

Vacation, all I ever wanted, Vacation, have to get away......well, you know the rest.....

Be a Follower Not a Leader

2006-12-07T15:43:00.000-06:00

For most of my life, my parents have told me to be a leader not a follower, and for most of my life I have strived to be that, but its just not in the cards. I have always been a follower. I have been influenced a lot by other people where in reality I almost have no individuality. Sometimes I just dont stand up for my own personal beliefs enough and when i do, there is a more compelling arguement that comes my way that someone else has brought forth, and I usually go with that. I need a life....

Plus, I help people all the time. I have been doing that since middle school, If people need someone to talk to they always come to me because I am only good to talk to and express feelings to. I have never done a lot just for myself and I guess its bittersweet because Im not really selfish. I always let others go before me, which sometimes is not good in a way. But again I think of how much different the world I know would be if I didnt even exist. Oh well, like I said there will be a satisfaction day for me and thats good enough for me....

Some Day.....

2006-12-06T17:26:00.000-06:00

If you are one of those people who were never born with athletic talents or any kind of talent with games, I feel your pain....

This entire semester I have been getting more involved with intramurals at Clark and trying to excercise any kind of athletic talent or any kind of skill I have with games, but sadly I have none whatsoever. None for pool, ping-pong, board games, or sports in general just to name a few. I have lost every game I have come in contact with. You see, when I lose its, of course, my fault, but when Im on a team, we lose either because I suck or I just have this losing aurora around me where I cant be with a winning team. Dont worry, I find it very funny. For example, when I was playing Battleship with either Andy, Ben, or Johnny O, I would start winning at a really fast rate and just when I know I have them beat, out of nowhere this huge fluke happens where they beat me at the last second. Whats the deal!!! I even lose to the person who sucks really bad at something. Oh well, I have faith that one of these days I will win something, and it might be major because all of this losing has to add up to something major happening, I hope....

Well, until that day comes, Ill try to keep being a good sport about things.....

SNOW!!!!!

2006-12-01T01:20:00.000-06:00

It was winter wonderland here at Clark Hall. It was awesome to play in the snow then come back inside, watch some movies while drinking hot chocolate. the only problem was that school closed at 3pm instead of earlier, but whatever Im just happy it snowed. I mean c'mon its Texas.

Infinity....NOT!!!!

2006-12-01T00:17:00.000-06:00

when people go back and forth when they make jokes, some of them slap on infinity to the end of their joke which means the other person cant make any more. Its funny, but stop and think....nothing is infinite in this world except God, so it doesnt work, HA!!!

Anyway, surprise, surprise, Ive been in one of my moods again and I did promise that I would try not to write depressing stuff anymore, but the time demands it because my Uncle Chris is on life support right now and it doesnt look good.

As I stated in my previous blog, Uncle Chris has had a rough life. He was born paralyzed from the waist down and his immune system not fully working. Uncle is the fifth child of nine children on my mom's side. He is my mom's brother. He is in late forties right now and I see him as a huge role model in my life because he has had to indure his entire life. think of your life. he never experienced a lot of simple pleasure having been paralyzed, being black and living in the segregation era. Every time I see him he always has a smile on his face and he is one the friendliest people you could ever meet. I love him so much.

It goes to show you that nothing is infinite in this world. We take a lot of things for granted and this is what puts me in this mood; not just because of my uncle but how much life throws at us and we always focus on the little things without looking at the big picture. Uncle Chris did and I love him so much for that. Im just glad that he is finally going home and leaving the turbulence that is life to get there.

We all have to focus on the big picture because such things like love is eternal and will never die. My Uncle Chris showed me that. Thanks Uncle Chris.....

Lets Pray....

2006-12-01T00:14:00.000-06:00

May God be with my Uncle Chris Powell as he is about to enter heaven. He has had a rough life but he has been an inspiration to me because he is one of the strongest people I have ever met in my life. God Bless him!!!

OMG!!!....

2006-11-20T21:07:00.000-06:00

OH MY GOD!!!!!I cant believe the semester is almost over!!!! I cant believe I have had so many terrible days this semester!!!! I cant believe how much fun SWACURH was!!! I cant believe I did something major with out my parents knowing!!!! I cant believe I watched Star Wars for 15 hours.....

I am so glad this semester is almost over because it has been the most physically and emotionally draining semester I have ever had in college. The only class I am afraid of is Astronomy because the teacher makes the class really hard because she gives a lot of information but still has some info on the test that we didnt go over. Logic just adds math to the equation and Im lost. the other classes are fine.

Well, yes, I have had a whole lot of terrible days this semester. Not just in the class but outside the class as well. I dont know why this year has been the season of depression but as a friend recently told me, "If this is the worst time in my life, then I have it good." Its a good quote that I shall remember. These last couple of weeks have been the last of my bad days this semester hopefully. The only thing is that because of all these bad days, little things are beggining to get to me and I hate that because there is no reason for it. Oh well, I am definitely going to try and be the great person that I, my family, friends, and God know that I am.

SWACURH, which mean South West Affiliate of College and Universities for Residence Halls, WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!! I have never had so much joy for being involved in residence life. We traveled to Texas Tech for a conference/retreat for all of the Hall Associations in the southwest region. We did a WHOLE lot of cheers for UNT and yelled so much that I lost my voice the day we came back. There was a lot of bonding on this trip and I met some really cool people from other schools. I am so glad I went and I hope to go again.

I went camping for the 10th time in my life last weekend with a cool group of people and it was the first time i went camping without any Boy Scouts which was fun because it was just a fun trip with friends. The only Eagle Scouts there were ben and I, but I wasnt being much of a scout though since i didnt have some small camping equipment. Oh well, I still had a lot of fun. Its one of those times in my life i will never forget because i did it without my parents knowing.

just to reiterate, people are stupid and i hate stupid people, so i hate myself.....NO!!! of course not, just people who do stupid things, I cant stand, I mean c'mon, can you?.....

The 5th of November....

2006-11-05T23:59:00.000-06:00

Remember, remember the 5th of November....I just survived a blackout at Clark and needless to say it was bittersweet. Yeah, we had no power what-so-ever, but it was fun to see everyone just hanging out in the dark and do just stuff. We should have T-shirts for this blackout because it lasted a little over an hour. Yeah, we had fun but people were still frantic. Also, we watched V for Vendetta since its the 5th of November. If you havent seen the movie then you should because its an awesome movie and also to understand why we watched it today.

Remember, remember the 5th of November the gunpowder treason and plot. i know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot....

Good Friends....

2006-11-05T15:09:00.000-06:00

Throughout my life I have been blessed with awesome friends in my life, but they never last and i feel kind of bad about that. My first ever friend's name was John and he lived directly across the street from me and he was an awesome friend. He was like a brother to me. Unfortunately, he moved away when i was six and i havent seen or talk to him since. From then on, I hadnt had a really good friend since. Especially in middle school, i had no friends but i really didnt care because all of the people in middle school were either mean or just stuck-up. Basically, I hated middle school with every ounce of my being and to this day it still haunts me.

In high school, it was much better because people were a little bit more mature in those times. I do stress the "little" part. I did meet some people who eventually became really good friends to me. Abel, Garnett, Buzz, Chase, Sean, and Jennifer. There was one guy though that became a really good friend and his name ironically enough was Ryan. Ryan Zauber is like me in every way, literally. The only difference is that he is white. We still hang out and talk during the summer while we are both in college; its the same with Buzz.

My point is that I have found that most the time friendship are not everlasting which kind of devasting to me because i feel that every one should have a good friend and God has blessed me many times with that. Now in college I have a lot of people that I have really become friends with and once again its awesome. I guess you cant predict the future so i dont know how long friendship with the people i meet will last. Like i said i still keep in touch with my good friends ryan and buzz while also making friends with others while in college. I dont know what the future holds because I have learned that friends come and go and maybe come back, I just hope that the support, fun, and memories never die. Thanks God for blessing me with awesome friends throughout my life....

AWESOME!!!!

2006-11-04T20:45:00.000-06:00

I am currently in the TV room watching the Star Wars marathon and we are on episode five: Empire Strikes Back. Like the Disney marathon, I have been going since 9am and I am damn proud of it. All six star wars movies plus the clone wars on a big projector screen and sound system. Its what i like to do. I cant until next semester when we do lord of the rings. YES!!!!!!!!

Star Wars.....

2006-10-30T22:15:00.000-06:00

On a lighter note though, this weekend we will be showing all 6 Star Wars films in order chronologically on a big projector screen. AWESOME!!!!!!!

Crying for those Green Pastures.....

2006-10-30T21:13:00.000-06:00

They say that there are only certain times when a an cries. Some examples are a faily tragedy, when his girlfriend or wife is the only one around, or he is alone. Me, I am sitting here in my dorm room alone so its ok for me to cry. Well, there reason I am in my room crying is not because I have lost almost any game at the dorm that I have played an RA at or the fact that I am hating astronomy, it is because of the past weekend.....

The stress started on Friday when I was totally unaware that anything would happen to me since I was really looking forward to this weekend: it was the last weekend before halloween and Clark Hall Association was hosting a Masquerade Ball to celebrate. I had my costume, all the food and donations were sent so everything was set. The only thing that might have made me sad was that some people I knew werent coming. No, not just you andy and ben, but other people I knew as well, but it honestly didnt bother me a lot. So, we are getting ready on Friday and matt griffeth was picking up the food and low and behold, Little Ceasars denied making any kind of agreement with me and only gave us half of what we had asked and gotten confirmed for. Carl and I were pissed. And The Tomato completely forgot our order and it got here very late during the ball. Other than that the ball was fun and I had a blast. Even though there was barely any people there, the people who were there made it very special and I thank them.

Well, i guess you could say I had a bit too much fun because the very next morning I was very sick. It has been going around the dorm for months so I wasnt too surprised by it and was just going to take medicine and let it run its course. That was the biggest disappointment of that day apart from no one being in the dorm. It was dead. It was like the ideal weekend for everyone to leave and go someowhere. Barely anyone was here.....

Sunday was just the pinnacle of disappointment. It began as my fault because I had procrastinated on this 4 page paper that I was supposed to do for my film class, so, being that I was still sick, I decided to get on that. I had about 2 and a half pages done when my phone rings and it was my dad. He was just calling to remind me about what we are going to do for thanksgiving. After that, he starts striking up a general conversation about how I am doing in school and in life and as usual he starts asking me if I have been to any black parties. I have already had an on and off bad weekend so I tell him that I did not want to talk about that again, and then he gives me the "You should be more connected with your race lecture" and says something that I will never forget, and I dont think he knows how uch he affected me, "I wish you were more like that...." Its like he did not even like the way I am. I love my dad, but sometimes he says things that I know he doesnt mean but doesnt realize how much words can hurt......

So the rest of the day and some of this day I have been in a slump. I have been on and off hammered down because of it and if anyone is reading this and has seen me today, Im sorry you had to see me like that. Like my dad, I am sort of sensitive to certain things and they dwell on me sometimes no matter how much I dont want them to. Sorry....

Well, tomorrow is another and I hate that most of y blogs comprise of me being depressed, but if I am happy or sad I do write about it, its just it seems that it is depression season because I have also been doubting my leadership as president, but I have pushed that aside because that is just dumb little satan talking. Anyway, I am in my room right venting on these events that have happened this weekend and I feel that I will be better tomorrow. I am reminded of Psalm 23 and this semester has dealt with my emotions so much that I am still going to carry on. So I am crying, crying for those green pastures.....

Connection...two...

2006-10-22T15:52:00.000-05:00

Once again I am depressed and, yes, once again its because of my parents. Its nothing too big this time, its just usual stuff that they keep telling me that aggravates me. If you read my previous blog, Connection, you will understand what I am again going to talk about....

Ok, so while I was at home, my parents gave me this whole lecture on how they are concerned about how connected to my roots as a black man. I do understand that I am black and with that skin color comes a lot of history and consequence. What really got me was how they were trying to make it seem that it was "ok" that I was hanging out with a predominantly mixed group of people. Now, don't get mad at my parents, you have to understand where they are coming from. My mom grew up in Birmingham, Alabama during the fifties and sixties, so she is very grounded and has a good handle on the world. My dad grew up in Wichita Falls, Texas and he was more out-going than my mom and dealt with racism a lot more first-hand. So, I fully understand where they are coming from but its just the fact that my brother and I never had to deal with the horrible prejudice that they had to deal with and I feel that sometimes that when I hangout with different races they feel somewhat threatened....

As I have said in Connection, I feel that one of the purposes in my life as I feel it should be in everyone else's lives is to break the racial barriers that surround us. It makes humanity so much harder to deal with. So it just depresses me sometimes when it seems my parents will always see those barriers that will separate people. It goes with other people. WAKE UP!!! As long as God is in charge, I really doubt that humanity will change. Even if every race except white was killed off, thousands of years later another race would spawn. That was just my little scifi excerpt. As Edward Norton once said, "You can't change the world, but you can make a dent." I dont know about you, but I wish to be that dent in the world even if sometimes my parents disapprove....

Im Still Alive....

2006-10-20T22:15:00.000-05:00

Dont worry Im still here, its just that soooo many different, weird, and awesome things have been going on so far which has just had me on the go. I know I said that homecoming was over, but things I have done to compensate for all of the hard work were just awesome and thrilling...

Well, I skipped some classes that I should not have skipped during homecoming week because of how much homecoming demanded of me and I promised myself that the next I would not do that and go to every single one of my classes, which if you have read my past blog, Scheduling Frenzy, it is not an easy thing to do, but I succeeded and I knew it would pay off because I was going to something that weekend which would really be a reward for me for homecoming....

GOING TO THE FAIR!!!! The fair is not just a big thing for Texas, but it is also a huge deal for me and my family as well. According to my parents, I have not missed a fair date since I was born, so I have been to the fair 19 times, wow!!! When I heard that a huge group of my college friends like andy and johnny o had never gone to the fair, literally fell over dead.....nah, Im just messin with ya, but serioulsy....I was shocked and appalled at this, so I got Andy to arrange a day when we go to the fair. We went on the 14th and it could not have been a better day. We saw and did one of everything: we got food, rode rides, bought stuff, and rode the ferris wheel, which Texas is known for since it is the biggest in the nation. After, the fun the main event came along....Jars of Clay. They played at the fair and honestly this was the first concert I had ever been to and was ecstatic because it could not have been with a better band. These guys were awesome and really got the crowd riled up and it got me wound up as well. It was insanely awesome!!!....

After the fair the hardwork began because I then realized that I had two tests on Tuesday. Now, these werent just normal tests, these were tests in my hardest classes on the same day, damn!!! I told everyone from then on that after Tuesday the 16th, i would be good because I knew that day would live in infamy and it did. It started out fine, my first test, Astronomy, went better than i expected. The problem was history because all it comprised of was essay. I felt bad about it because after the test I heard how people had written ten pages worth and i only wrote four, but they were four good pages which is all that matters right? I hope so...What ended the stressful day was when my dvd remote died and it wasnt because of dead batteries, it just died, no more remote I had to get another one....

Which brings me to today. No, I am not writing this blog at Clark, I am currently at home writing this on the home computer. I am home because my family misses me, typical, so I decided to come home for a night, spend time with them, and head back the next morning. But I am not going home empty handed, which brings me back to the remote....I manipulated, wait "manipulated" is such a strong word...I asked my parents if they could get me a universal remote and they agreed. I cant go into long detail on how I got them to do it, but if you ask me in person I will tell you. So I am on my way to wal-mart to buy it, I buy it, leave, and just as I am getting on the intersection without a traffic light, a multitude of cars pass by and I am blinded by their lights since its dark, and it looks like they are all turning into wal-mart so I can go....as I go a car, out of nowhere, comes up and literally comes inches away from crashing into me on the driver's side. Needless to say, I could have died instantaneously. I felt so dumb and stupid for that. Sometimes I feel I just dont deserve God's love and He just gave me a huge, "WRONG!!!" by a near-death experience. Wow!!!

So by nearly dying of shock, cotton candy, concert-craze, 2 tests, and an actual near-death experience, I truly think its a miracle that Im still alive....

7=Perfection according to God....

2006-10-08T01:07:00.000-05:00

In the bible, God created the world in seven days and according to Him it was perfect on the seventh day. Now, throughout my life I have always considered this number to be perfect if God has said so....

Ok, now to the relevance of this. I know that our football team is not the greatest.....man, what am I saying, we suck. So, our homecoming game starts at 6pm and I decided not to go because even though we were playing a team that was 0-5, I just did not have all the confidence. That was until I decided to see what Andy was doing and found out he was going to the game at 7:30, so not to feel lonely I decided to go.....

Ok, I have always thought that I bring an auora of bad luck to the team I am ruiting for, and sure enough that was tested once I stepped onto our field and surfe enough the other team scored their first touchdown which put them ahead. Damn. So the game goes on and stricking it turns around when we make a miraculous touchdown to put us ahead with a minute and 25 seconds left in the fourth quater. YES!!!! Until, they scored a field goal to tie us up. Overtime. Ok, I was really anxious but not too much because I knew we would win and it would be over in no time.....

WRONG!!!!!!!, Ok, the game stayed tied and we went into the second overtime. Tied again, third overtime. this time, we should have won, but the ball bounced off the field goal. Fourth overtime, tied again, Fifth overtime. By this time, anxiousness was a huge understatement for what everyone, who decided to stay, were feeling at this moment. Sixth overtime. What was funny to me was that all of the points that each team was getting were all through field goals not touchdowns and each field goal were close-calls for us meaning we could have won, but alas. Seventh overtime. At this point, I was praying to God and asking him why this was happening, then it hit me. 7. Its perfection. And my philosophy was correct, WE WON!!!!!!!!

This was indeed the most interesting games/homecoming games that I have ever been to or seen. It was the classic battle between the worst teams going at it, which maybe the reason why it took so long, but who cares, WE WON!!!!! Everyone rushed to the field because it was such an awesome end to a crazy week. Now, I can rest because it truly is over.

You see, there is a God....

IT'S OVER!!!!!!!.......almost....

2006-10-07T16:12:00.000-05:00

FINALLY, Homecoming is over and I can rest and concentrate on more important things, like my life. Dont get me wrong, I had a blast working on all of the events: Mini-bonfire, Spirit Wall, Chalk the Walk, and Yell Like Hell.

Speaking of Yell Like Hell, it was awesome!!! of course we were nervous in the beginning, but once we got up there it was like we were stepping into a world of our own and that is really what it felt like. You know, I really don't care that we didnt win Yell Like Hell, the point is that we did an amazing job and I am so proud of everyone who participated and worked their asses off just to have fun. Oh, Im also glad that West Hall or Maple Hall didnt win. They're our rivals.

Im not sure, but Ill bet we got points for being very original with our chant and dance. We danced to an MC Hammer song, "Walk Like an Egyptian", "Achy, Braky Heart" and the song from Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Needless to say, it was awesome!!!

Now all that is left is the game and Im still debating on whether Im going to go. So Homecoing is almost over.....

Long meetings, homecoming, late nights, birthdays.....Disney?

2006-09-30T01:26:00.000-05:00

Ugh, its been a long time, I know, because I have been unbelievably busy this week and next week will be even worse. Right now, Im in the TV room watching the immortal Robin Hood: Men in Tights. So I figure this is a great opportunity to blog because there are so many things that happened this week that must spill out....

Last time, I left you at the point where my board and I were going to have a serious meeting about our progress. Im happy to tell you that the meeting went very well and that every one had great things to say about why they were participating in CHA. I said that the meeting would be long, and it was, incredibly long. 2 hours to be exact. Luckily, I went to church before the meeting and I am soooo glad i went. They discussed Psalm 23, "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...." It was really weird and awesome because I felt that God was talking right at me. See, there is a God. Needless to say, I felt very confident after that. At the meeting We discussed many things from GAs to Homecoming. Speaking of which....

Tuesday, we had our Ninja GA which I think was a huge improvement from our Pirate GA, since we did our game first rather than doing it last so that people could get pumped for the meeting. Anyway, Im getting off subject, Tuesday is also the day we started Homecoing events. We tried to get the residents pumped up for that as well so that we could win this year. The first one was mini-bonfire which was due that following Friday. We discussed ideas and on Wednesday we put it into action. I was selling Clark Hall T-shirts and I had three tests that week. Although, on Thursday, I had finished my exams so I could work on the bonfire....

From what I saw, they had done a great job with building the bonfire out of nothing but popsicle sticks. Just, things needed to be glued and painted, so it shouldnt be that long of a job. Yeah right!!! i started helping them at 9pm because i figured I wouldnt be at it long. So, Janna, Jessica, Andy and I started painting and i cant tell you how long it took us to stop painting because then we started getting other ideas about what we could add to it and that added on more time of work. I didnt complain because I thought it was fun. but then it got to be 1am and everyone started to get very tired and some people left. As time went on, the only people that were left were my friend Johnny O and I. To make a long story short, we stayed up until 4:30am putting finishing touches on the construction and repairing bad things. The problem for me was that i shouldnt have stayed up so because the following night i had to stay up all night once again for my program....

Friday was the start of Family Weekend and I have been building up for this weekend since I came back to school. For about a month I have been planning a program for Family Weekend called Little Sibs. This program was for families, residents, and kids. Through Housing, i bought $200 worth of food for this program. Ok, what we did was set up a huge projector screen in the TV room and sound system and watch nothing but Disney movies. Like I said, I was supposed to stay up all night again and I did. The program started Friday at 10pm to 12 noon Saturday. I know, ridiculous, but it was very fun. Ice cream, cookies, fruit snacks, chips, and soda, nothing could be better. There was one thing, sleep. I was totally exhausted from the week at 12 noon Saturday. I have never taken such a good nap. I slept for 5 and a half hours, woke up, read Andy's e-mail about my program being the best ever, went to the disappointing UNT football game, came back and napped again....

The end and reward to the madness of the week came to me when Johnny O and Bethany called me and told me they had a surprise for me for all of my hard work. They had free tickets to the movie theatre that they got from a stranger, they expired that night. I wasnt about to let my Saturday go to waste without doing something for myself so I thought who else could go. Then it hit me like lightning, Andy. It was his birthday the next day and he is kind of blah about his birthday so I decided to make it fun for him. We saw The Last Kiss, which is a very messed up movie by the way. Anyway, that is the madness that was this week and it does not stop there, this week is Homecoming Week so events galore, I just hope Im ready......Oh! and Happy Birthday once again Andy.....

Blah...for me...

2006-09-22T13:36:00.000-05:00

This week was just blah for me. For everyone else it seemed it was really hectic. Anyway, Monday, of course like any other Monday, was just a blah day and nothing big happened.

On Tuesday, the day started out great and just ended on a bad note. Ok, I was all ready to go to the RHA GA because the theme this week was pirates vs. ninjas, needless to say, AWESOME!!! Well, to make a long bad story short, some people on the board didnt do what they were suppose to, thus making things difficult. I will say that it did bother me a bit.

On Wednesday, I was still reeling from yesterday so i woke up blah and dismal. i decided to talk to my advisor about yesterday because he is good guy to talk to if your feeling bad. Anyway, we set up a meeting for Thursday so we could discuss....things, muahahahaha.....sorry. I felt better after that.

During the meeting we discussed many things that will be addressed with everyone at our next board meeting. Needless to say, it will be a long meeting on Sunday. Also, I really did not care but it was funny to see everyone else care....the internet shut down at our dorm. People went crazy and kept complaining how they were soooo bored. I swear, you would think that the internet is like a drug. people all over the dorm were drooling over the absence of no internet, it was pretty hilarious.

Remember that I said that my week was blah, well it was for me because majorly things that usually happens to me, did. Is "majorly" a word? Well, its friday and thats all that matters. Oh, at breakfast I was eating oranges and some of the pulp got on my lip and my friend Jenna told me to wipe it off, well, I did but it moved to another part of my face and then another and another until I finally got it off. I guess you could say that was something out of the ordinary that happened to me this week.

Haircut....

2006-09-17T14:04:00.000-05:00

YAY!!!! I have finally gotten my haircut. Even though I had to drive home in order to actually get a haircut, it wasnt really that bad. While I was getting my haircut, it felt very liberating, like I was getting a lot of tension off of my body. I know that sounds very weird, but hey, I have had a lot of tension before I went there.

A haircut is silently considered a special thing for a black person because we really have to get it cut just right otherwise we will go around lookin all kinda messed up. The best thing about it was that it was my barber whom I have had for many years so he gives me a discount. Awesome, I know. After my haircut, its like I said, it felt like a huge weight was lifted because I havent had a haircut in almost a month. I felt goooooooood.

The only problem was that when I came back, it was amazing to see what people actually noticed I got a haircut and oddly enough, most of the people that noticed were black. I know that we have different hair, but come on, i can tell when a white person has had a haircut. It was sooooo funny.

Well, anyway....

Obstacles....

2006-09-13T00:30:00.000-05:00

Eureka!!! Ok, so Im sitting in the car with my friend Andy and we are on the way to Whataburger, and I have the strangest yet greatest revealation, I am becoming under a state of depression.

So you are thinking right now, "Why is this idiot so happy right now when he just said that he was depressed..." Well, I shall tell you...It has been said we use more muscles when we frown than when we smile and just recently I researched that and found out that it is actually true, so stop frowning, its too much of an unnecessary excercise. Anyway, another part of my revealation is that depression is so easy to counter-attack and if you do it early it wont rule you. The only thing that is bothering me is why am I depressed in the first place, its weird. If has something to do with my father, it would be strange because I have argued with my dad before but I can handle that because like I have said, we are a lot alike. Well, I pray that from this day and hour forward that I no longer be depressed over small, insignificant or even big things because God has a bigger plan for me and would not want me to waste my time lingering over past obstacles and tribulations...

Connection...

2006-09-10T16:42:00.000-05:00

In my opinion everyone should have at least one good friend. It doesnt have to be your best friend but just someone you can connect with or someone who will always be there whenever you arent OK. For me, almost everyone I meet, most of the time, I can connect with him/her. There is only one problem...and please dont take me the wrong way when I say this...they are mostly white.

The reason being, is because I basically do not fit the stereotype for what most people perceive a black person to be. I can safely say that I am not alone out there. I have talked to many people of my race who feel the same way. Its not that dislike our culture, its just that some of the things like talking ghetto or dressing a certain way that some blacks dress just dont appeal to some of us, and, basically it might pertain more to a white person. I know Im being a little stereotypical, but its how the world is perceived nowadays.

The main reason for this post is to state how I connect with both black people and white people, and if you are reading this with a stereotypical mind then you would say that I do not connect with both because you perceive them to be totally different. But if you arent reading this that way then you would say that I do in a sense that I perceive the world to be the same yet we all, of course, have different interests no matter what race.

Anyway, to this day it is hard for me to connect fully with both races because of their inate observation on race and its "difference". Although, every day I thank God in some way for not making me so ignorant in regards to that and letting me see the big picture, that all people are the same. It has always been a goal for me to break those barriers, and I will continue to make the connection.

Better Day....I hope...

2006-09-10T10:31:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, if someone saw or tried to talk to me they would have noticed that I was a little off and there is a valid reason for that. Well, my dad and I are sooo much alike in our characteristics that when we argue its like Hurricane Katrina all over again. Most of the time, we argue over the most dumbest stuff which is a big reason why I get mad in the end. I dont want to go into the gory details but it happened early Saturday morning and afterwards I kept telling myself that the rest of the day was going to be better. Yeah right!!!

Ok, I was really looking forward to my haircut because it has been growing for the last 5 weeks, and if you are black, and would look ugly in a fro, that is not good. Unfortunately my barber did not show at the time he told me he would and I waited there for an hour and then left because I had other stuff to do. I started to get ready to go shopping for pirate stuff with the some people on the Clark Hall board for our General Assembly. But, many other people had other pressing engagements which is understandable because its Saturday. And the end of my morning happened when I got into an arguement with Andy, who himself was having a bad morning.

Alright, at that point I was just saying to myself that "so what if my morning was shot, I still have the game to look forward to." Well, during paint-up, I spilled paint on the carpet in the TV room so Silvia the janitor is going to kill me. The upside is, if you havent already read my previous blog, WE WON!!! After the game, a group of us decided to go to IHOP, so I went to my room to get ready and they accidently left without me. My roommate was also going with another group and I decided to bum a ride with them, but then at that point my mind was just sooo out of it from all of today's bad luck, I just didnt go and stayed behind.

So lets recap...whenever I have a bad arguement with my dad early in the morning, the rest of my day gets shot. Well, its Sunday and nothing bad has happened, maybe because I am just sitting in my room typing this, hmmm....? Anyway, I have done my praying and will have a better day...I hope...

We Won!!!....

2006-09-10T10:05:00.000-05:00

As I have said before, I am a sophomore in college, so of course I have seen my fair share of UNT's football games and let me just say that every single home game last year let me down. I mean I dont want to say that we sucked, but it just was not a good year. Anyway, last night was our first home game of the season against our rival SMU, and, just to simplify things, WE WON!!!!!.

It was the first time since I have been there that we actually won a home game. I might be over-reacting, but I am surely going to milk this for all its worth!!!

Labor Day...whats the point?...

2006-09-04T19:10:00.000-05:00

Once again, another boring Labor Day. I dont think I have ever done anything amazing on Labor Day. Well, I dont want this Blog to be all about complaining, its just that sometimes I feel that Labor Day comes off to me as a useless holiday, but dont get the wrong idea, I love the fact that I get a day off from school, but I have only had one week of school and its really early to have a day off. Maybe, if I did something amazing over Labor Day, it would be more amazing to me but once again I feel like its a day that doesnt need big planning for because Im just coming off of summer and I have had all my amazing times already. Its just a boring meaningless holiday to me, if someone wants to disprove me please do.

I dont know, this just rambling. All in all, I still dont want to go to classes tomorrow.

Scheduling Frenzy....

2006-09-01T17:20:00.000-05:00

The first week of classes is finally over, now I can rest with the knowledge that I have a three-day weekend because of Labor Day. Alright, it started out like this: I had class from 8am-12pm on Monday and I absolutely loved all of my classes, History, Film and even Spanish!!! considering I have it 5 times a week. Ok, Tuesday was the worst day: I had class from 9:3am-2pm straight with no breaks, AHH!!!!!! it started out bad when my backpack of 2 years finally broke and i had to carry all of my books to all my classes. Astronomy was fine, the only thing bad about it was that I forgot to sign up for a lab so i will have to do that next semester.

Ok, the worst class that I signed up for was American Literature. Dont get me wrong, I love to read, I enjoy it immensely. IT WAS THE TEACHER!!!! she was absolutely horrible. she is French and talks in a very quiet and slow voice. It was soooo annoying. Also, she would take long pauses between her words and I kept wondering if she was ever going to speak again. Basically, I really had to get out of that class, it just ruined the fun of Literature for me. So, all week I kept trying to get out of that class hoping something more interesting would turn up. So, I turned to Philosophy.

Nothing was open for the Philosophy classes until Thursday, when I saw that Intro to Logic was open and at that point I was desperate so I signed. The fun didnt stop there. Remember I had an 8 o'clock class so that class opened up some time for Tuesday and Thursday so I switched my 8 o'clock for a better time on Tuesday and Thursday. Now, it was set. My schedule was perfect and now I have only one class on Friday and that is at 11am. Awesome!!!!!

And to make matters better, I just got my official Flip-in/Flip-out card since I am pres. YES!!!!! and tomorrow we are having a watching party for the UT vs. UNT game. Of course, we are gonna win. (in case you didnt catch that, I was being sarcastic.)

The Day of Reckoning Is Coming....

2006-08-17T16:39:00.000-05:00

Ok, tomorrow I officially move back to Clark, and I couldn't be happier!!!! The only thing is i tend to overpack. Its mostly because of my mom; she has the mind set that "you can never have too much stuff", whatever. I cant wait to meet up with everyone, it will be like a homecoming, because I consider Clark like another home to me. I made some really close friends during my freshman year in that dorm, so this year will be much better.

Anyway, back to my overpacking situation, I have a lot of stuff and Clark has three floors with no elevator only stairs, do you catch my drift now? lugging that stuff up the stairs is going to be murder because my dad, awesome guy by the way, has a back problem so its up to me or in his words, "Your the young one, you can do it ALL by yourself because.....my back....you know." Ugh!!! There are times where he really loves to play the guilt card, but dont worry its a battle with us because I do the same thing to him sometimes.

I am writing today because I more than likely will not have time to write tomorrow because I need to set up my room. This time I have a three-person room, and I know what you're thinking, "Roommates suck!!!", well, that fortunately was not the case for me last year. I had an awesome roommate, not only because his name was also Ryan, but we had a lot in common so it was cool. He is one of my roommates in the room, the other is Brandon, he was the first guy I met once I moved in and we've cool since, mostly because he is my ping-pong rival.

The First Post

2006-08-14T17:33:00.000-05:00

What's up everyone, Im Ryan, and I felt it was time for me to just sit down and once for all write down all the stuff that is in my head. Now, since this is my very first posting, i should say that Im 19 and I am not going to start at the point where I was born up to now, Im just going to start at this very day, August 14th, 2006.

Ok, I am a sophomore in college and as of today I am packing my stuff for when I move in on Friday, YEAH!!!!!!!!. Now, I know a lot of people hate to live in a dorm, but they have never experienced the glory that is Clark Hall, my dorm. I love Clark Hall so much that I became president. Thats right, Im a nerd and proud of it!!! Anyway, I have no idea what to expect for when I start this job and I am anxious both in a good way and bad way.

I'll start with the good way first. Its good, not only because i get 20% off of Housing (woot), but also its a great chance to meet new people, tell them about college life. I know!!! fun isnt it? Oh, I never said what college i was in, The University of North Texas in Denton, TX. Ok, I guess the only bad side is just that Im nervous about not doing a good enough job. Although, I do always get nervous when i have to handle a huge responsibility, who doesnt? And I shouldnt be, because i have great support from friends and family.

I think thats enough, for now. I need to show this post to Jumper and Ricchuiti. Jumper is the one who wanted me to start a blog, well here ya go Ben!!!