Pride....

A lot of people say it's fear, but when you really think about it, pride is the root of all sin. It instigates our drive to fear and anger.

I was tested a lot today and yesterday within myself and how others affected me. We are all prideful about something personal and the fear of losing it catapults our anger, whether it be an insult to our good nature or flaws. Of course, with family and friends that is another story entirely.

Always lift up your family, even if their faults may have a bad reflection upon you, and always lookout for your friends. If a friend falls or someone else trips him, try to be there to pick them back up. "No greater love is there than for a person to lay down their life for a friend."

But I digress (big word!), I have tried to quell my anger my entire life because I refuse to become what others try to make me become. To put it simply, the past haunts me and I put up with a lot of insults growing up, which both hurt and helped me become who I am. First of all, I come from a family of sensitive people, so it is already ingrained in me, however, it means emotions manifest very deeply. I have the capacity to over exert my emotions.

If you knew me, I'm very optimistic and passionate about things in life, and I try to be that person that is welcoming to anyone. I try to never allow anyone to see me angry because it's a foreign thing that is scary, even for me.

Yesterday, I was angry with myself for a work-related accident that really could have been avoided and today I was angry at a coworker who doesn't outright insult me, but continuously judges my nature because I am way too different than what they prefer me to be. Unfortunately, the person is just way to self-absorbed anyway, so in reality I shouldn't think much of it. But, it just finally got to me today because it added to the already shameful feelings I had yesterday. I left the office, went outside, and cooled off.

I was mad, frustrated, and stated how that person's nature was so much lower than mine. However, I thought and prayed about it, and saw how my own pride started judging them comparatively. I thought how past insults in my life have affected me, because Lord knows I've endured many like most people. I have usually thought myself better than that person for never degrading myself to their level, but it's a two-way street and I'm condemning myself in the process.

The Beatles said it best, "All you need is Love". All I can do is know what is true and keep following it on through (did I just rhyme without knowing it?). Anyway, we're all human and we get angry, some more than others, but we have to understand that what motivates our anger is our pride. It may suck, but let them insult us, we know what is true in ourselves. And, as always, shit happens, we learn from it and go on. Never dwell on it, because that just provokes an unhealthy, long-standing relationship with what I've been rambling about: pride.....

The 2nd Ten Commandments....

I went to a conference for my job and our keynote speaker was really awesome! He has won the most high school basketball games in history. he survived a devastating, life-threatening car accident when he was in his forties, and while he was recovering from that, he learned he had cancer coursing through his body. Crazy! well, of course he was not going to let that stop him. The cancer was located in his leg so he had it amputated. He is now about seventy-something years old and still in great health.

While he was talking, he gave us some smart quotes and words to take back and the one that stuck with me was a list that said, "The 2nd Ten Commandments" and it spoke to me because it dealt with all the things that I go through in life, while still maintaining a free-grace feel to it. So, i want to share them with you and hope you find it useful too:

1. Though shall not worry; for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
2. Thou shall not be fearful; for most things we fear never come to pass.
3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them; for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes; you can only handle one at a time anyway.
5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you; for they make very poor bedfellows.
6. Thou shall not borrow other people's problems; they can better care for them than you can.
7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone.
8. Thou shall be a good listener; for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own.
9. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration; 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive actions.
10. Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

There you go! I will of course fail at these many times, but they are wise words that have strong roots in the way I plan to live my life.

My verse....

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.
But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at last your care for me has flourished again; though you surely did care, but you lacked opportunity. Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4: 8-13)

Man I love this verse! it fills me with joy every time! It's a phrase I read every time the world's craziness attacks me and pulls me inside. I know it's long but it speaks so much.

Now, just because I may be now at a point that warrants this verse does not mean that I have not meditated on it many times before. This is one of the strong verses that made me seriously reevaluate my relationship with God. Not only does it clearly state our dependence on Him, but it states how my own character should be within the relationship. I have always, always been told that my greatest strength and my greatest weakness is my ability to care and trust too much. I have faltered many times with placing worldly care and trust above Him as many do, and I write this in order for me to continue opening this new chapter in my life.

With every terrible and awesome moment my faith strengthens as I really try to put my full trust in Him and know that I am loved. It's ridiculously hard for me sometimes. It really is ridiculous because I can easily forgive someone but if someone else forgives me, I still find it hard to forgive myself. This chapter is very new for me because I didn't grow up with strong Christian values. I came from a very strict and structured right vs wrong mentality. I was close-minded to the sense that I was ignorant to the lures of the world and religion was just something I was supposed to know. The base of my knowledge was God is good and Jesus died for our sins. The end. I never delved any deeper than that until now. I love where I am now and I hope and pray that never changes. Things in my life may change that I will have to deal with but my relationship with Him won't. I will falter, many times, but He is my security blanket that I can crawl back to. I know I'll be fine and can take on whatever the world throws at me as long I care and trust Him......oh! and remember my verse....

A New Life.....

Well, what can I say....I started this blog while was in college and now that I have graduated, I can now spend more time going back to my second favorite hobby-writing.

To everyone who says that finding a job is hard after college, probably did not try very hard. I can honestly say that in less than a year I have been in three jobs since graduating. I was a receptionist for a senior rec center, which was a lot of fun, because it made me much less afraid of getting old! I worked for North Central Texas College for six months in the admissions department. I had a lot of fun there and learn some very valuable lessons from a dear friend, Kay Barham. I have to say that God led me to that job to meet her. She made me realize my own character and what possibilities I could achieve. I am sad to say that she passed away a couple months ago and it was the first time I have ever had someone outside of my family die very suddenly. It still affects me a little, but I know she wouldn't want me feeling sad for her all the time.

I knew her for only six months, but they were some of the best life-changing months I have ever had. I then got a job back at UNT as an Admissions Counselor. Next to my RA, this is the best job I have ever had! My basic duties are advising prospective students on how to get into UNT, travel and recruit students from different high schools in Texas, and accept or deny students. I basically help students get into college! Of course, the only down-side is when I have to deny a student, but hey! I get to travel a lot and take friends with me!

I will say though, that the job can affect someone's personal life because I can't hangout with friends as much as I use to, but I guess that's a part of being an adult. Speaking of friends, I have grown much closer to God through the relationships I have with my friends and people in general. I have written many times how much of a people-person I am, but it gets hard when you live alone and my friends help me see that I am never alone.

It's weird. I am an adult and there's nothing left to be anxious about. However, I have always strived to maintain that age is only a number and will carry that belief to my grave. God wants me to enjoy life and not worry about tomorrow. He conquered all worry and bad times for me so I can put it all on Him. I thank Him every day for that! I feel more free than I have ever been because of it and now I can begin a new life! I know I will stumble along the way, He knows I will, but I know He will always be there to pick me back up!

Reader, you can tell that this blog is a little different than some of my others. Just know that I am trying to free my self of the past since I have been haunted for way too long. It will take time, but I am finally confident in myself. Confidence is a feeling I have rarely ever felt in my life will strive to hold onto it. If you see me, or know me, feel free to slap me if I do revert back to my old self. Just kidding, but seriously....tell me!

Well, I think that's a good update for 2 years worth of absence! Thanks for reading and God Bless!

PS- I am also dating someone.....yeah, I know-FINALLY! so that might be why I am so happy right now, but who knows......

JD and Turk: Back in the habit...

I'm really going to try this time to get back in the habit of blogging because it really does help me a lot when I write my feelings down.

Let's see...

A lot has happened and I will spare you any long stories so here is the edited version of what's been going on over the months...

In April, I surprisingly became RLAC President by going to a GA, forgetting it was elections, and got nominated. I think it was to make up for the fact that I didn't get the Senior RA job, but still, I was and still am very nervous about doing this. I think I'm doing well so far....

In June, I went on my first date since being in college and it was great, but she was a person who didn't want to be tied down to a boyfriend yet because she wants to get her life in order first, which I can understand.

In late July, The Dark Knight came out and I saw it four times. I know, big surprise...A week later I dealt with my first big RA incident when I walked into my first room for safety checks and the resident had passed away. He committed suicide with a helium tank. I'm fine, but it was an experience.

In late September, once again I unwittingly walked in and was thrust into a position. This time it was an RHA GA and I came in seeing people holding their hands up. I wondered what was going on and right when I was about to sit down, I heard my name being nominated for something and I froze. I asked what it was for and it was for Homecoming King, so...

Homecoming came and Dana Cardone, The RHA President, and I became Homecoming Lord and Lady of UNT. That happened this past Saturday.

Those are the three big events in my life right now. Once again, I'm doing Star Wars on Saturday and I'm going to SWACURH next Thursday.

I love my residents this year compared to last year and our staff right now is amazing, I couldn't ask for a better boss.

I found a really good friend finally, that I can relate to as well. Don't get me wrong, i still hang out with all the other friends I made in college, like Ben and Johnny O, I haven't seen Andy in a while, but it seemed like he felt his journey led away from us, which I respect, and I have lost many a friend to that, so I'm cool.

Austin is cool, but he seems unsure about where he is going, but then again, aren't we all. He'll be a great psychologist one day because it's uncanny how empathic he is. He really is the Neo to my Morpheus, or better yet, the JD to my Turk....take that however you want it....

Fleeting........

Ok, I am welcoming myself back to writing blogs because I have taken too long of a hiatus from blogging and I apologize to people who actually read this, so here it goes.....

I just found out today that I am officially an RTVF major and I am very excited and once again it got me thinking about my life, and yes, I know, here we go......

Anyway, I thought about what it took for me to get here, how long it took me, and what am I going to get out of it? Needless to say Im kinda worried about my future but that is the nature of the college student and in a way I know that this fear will pass because in my opinion we need this fear to drive us forward and not let it conquer us.

Also, friendships.......once again, have been on my mind lately. Mainly the fact that one of staff members just out of the blue asked me if I had a best friend and at first I said, "no" but then I corrected the statement and replied, "I dont know" in the history of my life until now friends have been a pass and go relationship. I have talked about this before with others and they all have told me the exact same thing about enjoying the time in which I know them, but one person told me something that I will never forget. Ryan, think of the impact you are making on each person you meet even if only for a day, an hour or a minute. Each person guides you in some way through life because you learn from them. Even if you dont see them 20 years from now, you still remember them because there will come days when their name will pop up or you might see them out of the blue. If God guides us along, it means that things happen for a reason no matter how small or fleeting. So, if anyone I know or have met is reading this, you are awesome and thanks. I hope to see those who I havent seen in a while sometime in the future. It makes you know that friends and life are not fleeting........

Time Ahead, Time Past, Time Missed.....

These past few days have been very stressful for me. If I had to count all of the things that I had due from the Monday I came back from Thanksgiving Break to now, I have had ten things due in multiple classes just because it is the end of the semester.

So, I am very sorry to all of the people that read my blogs since I havent posted them. Its all just nonsense anyway, I dont know why you read this stuff. Just kidding, but seriously.....

Anyway, another reason why I havent blogged in over a month aside from an overload of work and school is that I have been doing a lot of thinking about my past relationships with friends I have had and have right now and noticed how much things change throughout my life. Think about. You have that one special friend when you are young and you both think you will be friends for years and in some cases that does happen, but then there are those where you have an awesome relationship with and then whether it be days, weeks, months, or years, somehow something will happen where you never see him or her again, but the memories stay with you forever. I know its cliche but its true and from that person you learn and grow into understanding in how that person ran their life.

Needless to say, this has happened to me many times as Im sure it has happened to you and it just got me thinking about the person I was in the past and how much I have grown. I was a different person in elementary school, a different person in middle school, a different person in high school, and now, I am a totally different person in college, which is great because throughout all of this time meeting different people help me grow tremendously to who I am. So, here's to you people who know me. Thanks!!!

Ok, now onto the time ahead because I look at the future and what will happen to me. Right now, Im just a junior in college and I know Im going to be a super senior, but in that process, I am seeing so many good relationships leave me. Sure we say that we will keep in touch and hopefully we do, but what happens next will always be the question. Its sad to think about, I know, but then I think of all the things I have learned about that person and 9 times 10 it works, haha. As I have blogged before, I am not a person who handles change very well, but I adapt eventually.

It just becomes hard to see your life in a different light, but I have done it before and I am confident I can do it now. There is just going to be that hole where there will be time missed.....

Catch up....

Well, a lot has happened this month, mostly dealing with a lot of changes with the dorm and myself.

well, first and foremost, we finally got a new hall director at Mozart and his name is Steve and he is awesome. I have a good feeling about this guy and his methods of trying to be an amazing hall director.

There really isnt that much to report on my end about my exciting life(stop laughing) except I am keeping up very well with all of my friends, old and new, and I am once again doing the Star Wars marathon again (geez, stop laughing!!!) because it's an awesome to get people together and just hang out on saturday and possibly rest, especially after dealing with homecoming once again. Man, I have soooo many programs coming up this week!!!

Anyway, to spare you all from mindless rambling, Im gonna stop here. Just trying to play catch up....

PS-Happy Halloween!!!

John....

John Davis is a friend whom I have known since middle school. We never went to school together, we went to church together. Both of our mothers were very involved in our church choir and they still are. We and group of other church friends who we were equally close with would always hang out during the weekend like going to the movies or just being spontaneous. I didnt know anything about John outside of church and some about his family because we lived just down the street from one anotther.

The reason I write this is because John Davis is missing. My mom called me this past Sunday and told me he had been missing for a week and she didnt want to worry me too much until she had more information. Apparently, they found his mom's car 90 miles from Amarillo which had run out of gas and he lives in duncanville which is 20 minutes south of dallas and no where near Amarillo. he always wanted a car. Im really scared right now. A detective came up to Denton from my home in Duncanville and interviewed me trying to get any information about John. I just wish I knew more about him other than our affiliation with church. The thing is John would never do something like runaway so abruptly but there is no sign of a kidnapping so he must have ran and we dont know why. My mom is really distraught right now and Im a person who hates to see any of my family members distressed because it affects me. Right now, Im trying to go on with my life at the regular pace but it is getting increasingly difficult. i have never had to deal with anything like this so my emotions are just running rapid in confusion. I am going to seek counseling and try my best not to affect the others that I care for.

John Davis is a dark African-American male with dark brown eyes. He is tall, about 6'1" skinny with a very broad forehead and sagged eyes. If you have any information, please call the Duncanville Police at (972) 780-5037. I miss you John......

Fast.....

Life has been going very fast for me at the moment. The weeks are going away like the wind. Im not complaining because the weekends for me are longer because I rest. Also, I cant believe I have yet to skip one class since the semester started. Thats got to be some kind of a record. Im just glad its fall because the air is cooler and I have awesome days in fall because, like spring for most people, fall just gets to me and makes me feel awesome no matter what. Anyway, the life of an RA is very fast paced, its all go, go, go, go....Im used to it though, its just like when I was president, but much more responsibility. Ive said before that my residents are awesome, but not just my residents, but all the residents in the building. Like most dorms, there are a few who only get involved in dorm activities, and this place is no exception. We have a lot of people who get involved. Anyhoo, September is almost over and October is almost here and sooo many things are happening this month like my movie marathons (stop laughing), birthdays, midterms and projects, Halloween, on-calls, and most of all: Homecoming. Oh well, Im loving it, the fast pace keeps me on my feet. I hope everyone is doing well, but that their life isnt going as fast.......

Missing.........

I miss you a whole lot. Its been a long while since we have talked and when we do talk, its very awkward. You have your friends and I have mine but so what, we are still friends right? I feel neglected by you, like you have changed over time and I dont know why. I want to talk but you dont want to tell me anything. It has changed so much. I feel like you are not the person that I knew anymore. I want to talk to you but I am so afraid that you let me in or help you that I just dont. I want it to stop being awkward. We are really good friends, at least, I think we are. I am not going to change who I am and act towards you, I just hope that you can trust me because the fact of the matter is that I feel little respect from you when I try to be there or try to be nice. All in all, I miss you man......

Oldies.........

Ok, so I am soooo happy that I finally got 101 Dalmatians in the mail!!! I watched it once by myself then again with some of my residents. One of them stated how nowadays kids dont appreciate the old cartoon movies like this one. They are too used to CG and grand special effects. I feel blessed to have at leats grown up with a huge respect for old Disney movies or any old movie that I used to watch as a kid that probably came out in the 60s to 80s. Oh well, at least my brother is culturing my nephew on films of the past. In fact, some of the first movies he ever received were some of the ones I watched as a kid, so there's hope. I plan to keep on buying the old Disney movies and others like the Wizard of Oz so that I can culture other kids or for my kids (maybe). Anyhoo, thats my rant for today......if u want it u can take it, if not send it right back...... ;^)

Powerless......

Wednesday Semptember 5th, 2007 is a testament to how awesome God is.....

Ok, I was awoken by my alarm on my phone at 8AM for class. As soon as I touch it and turn off the alarm, my phone completely dies: No screen, nothing. Im like "Well crap" so soon after I try everything I know to get my phone to work again, I look up online the closest AT&T store and luckily there is one only two miles away from the campus on 288. I decide to go there immediately after class to check on my phone.....

So, Im done with class and Im walking straight to my car, but my automatic locks dont work, so I opened it manually, I put my keys in the ignition, turned, and nothing happened: My car was dead (at least, the battery was dead). At this point I am frustrated and I have to contact my parents. I use one of my residents' phones, call my parents and my dad says he will come up there to help me out since he works only 3o minutes away. I call Triple A and they come, along with my dad, and tow my car to Pep Boys while my dad and I go out in his truck to get a new phone.....

On the way, I learn that my dad lost his phone about a week prior, which, of course, I think is hilarious. We get to AT&T and my dad buys both him and me a new phone.....check that, its the same phone I had only new. We drive to Pep Boys and it turns out I need a completely new battery. I pay for that and by now everything is right in the world so my dad and I go out for lunch before he returns to work. I come back to Mozart and it has been raining all that day but by then it was sunny when I returned. From then on my day was spectacular and nothing else bad happened..........

Ok, so enough with the long story, the reason this relates to God is because I seriously think he had all of this planned out and here is why......

On September 2nd, it was my brother's 34th birthday, which he does not like for me to mention, but he, mom and dad came up to see me in my dorm room after the came back from the UNT Vs. OU game. If they had not come up here that weekend, my dad would have had no idea where I lived when he came up to help me with my situation. He could not contact me at all since I had no cell phone, which also proves how much we are dependent on technology but that is a whole nother long story. Anyway, It just goes to show you how even though this was a small plan of His, He has bigger and greater plans for us in the future, so we should never feel powerless........

My DNA......

To find out more.......


My personalDNA Report

Changes.....

Well, a couple of changes have happened in our hall. First, the biggest and most important change is that we are getting a new Hall Director. I know!!!! Im only about three weeks into school and Im already getting a new boss!!! To give Philip some justice, he got offered another amazing job as marketer for all of Housing which is a full-time job and he gets paid much more now which is of course reasonable. Even though I have only known him for three weeks, he has been one of the best bosses I have ever had and one of the coolest. I will miss him, but he will only be living a couple of blocks away in a house.

Another change is everyone's reaction to how different Mozart has become. While Casey and I work desk we have gotten loads of compliments on how different the place has been and how a lot more people come out of their rooms to hang out. People who have lived there for the past three years have said that it is the most people they have seen out of their rooms this early in the semester. Casey has his music and video games and I have my movies. I know, a match made in heaven, right? It is going to be an amazing year!!!

The last change pertains to me. Like I have said before, it is hard to not see the faces that I had seen every day for the past two years. Making new friends here is awesome and its what I love to do, but, I dont think Im alone here when I say that it makes you feel like you are abandoning some of your other friends which just makes you feel all kinds of out of sorts. Keeping up with my other friends is going well except for a few people but I am catching up with people that I havent seen since freshman year and some from high school like Zauber( His name is Ryan Zauber, so you can see why I call him Zauber) my best friend. Oh well, great things can never happen without some changes......

Adapting.....

Well, I survived RLT and trust me it was grueling and tough!!!!! It has been a while since I have been so exhausted. It literally was boot camp for RAs.

Also, Im finally moved into Mozart and I love, but, truth be told, its no Clark, but better rooms and better living. I will say that it is not the same community I had at Clark, but surprisingly to me it has a strong community here. My residents are pretty cool, at least the ones that have moved in and come out of their rooms. Plus, I have learned that Casey and I, a fellow rookie, are the only RAs to have the greatest number of residents: 70. I feel special and at the same time scared out of my mind!!! But I know that Ill be fine, its just the fact that have so many Student Interaction Forms to do now, oh well, Ill live, hopefully.

This semester is hard because as much as I love meeting new people its hard not seeing the people that I used to see every day. All I can do is keep in touch no matter how far away they grow. Well, Im gonna finish watching Scrubs and start my day.....

10 days......

Well, it is now officially august and exactly ten days until RLT and I officially become an RA at Mozart Square. Needless to say, since i have said it many times in the past, I AM TOTALLY SIKED!!!!!!!

Anyway, today was another grown-up or mature day or whatever you want to call it for me. I liked this girl whom I have liked for a few months and known for a year and I told her today how i truly felt about her because i felt that to let true love remain unspoken is the quickest way to a heavy heart......ok, i got that last part from a movie but it fits. I told her that whatever she said in response would not do anything to our friendship. Even though she declined, she told me how awesome it was that I was very honest with her and not drag on awkward moments when we are together. Plus, contrary to what people might think I am still truly going to stay friends with her.

Alright, also, I have noticed that I have not kept up with any of m friends this summer, past and present and I feel like an ass because I havent and I bet they think Im an ass. Oh well, if they are my friends they will forgive me but in my defense I have been working a lot and taking classes on the side. Although, I think that one of the reasons I feel this way is because some other friends of mine havent been keeping up with me like they usually do which makes me feel bad so before the summer is up i need to catch with people and see whats up.......

This Road I'm On......

Well, i know its been a while, but here it goes.....

Lets see, i recently got back from an extraordinary road trip with my friend ben to go see my other good friend andy in Del Rio, Texas and if you do not know where that is look on a map, locate san antonio and look directly west/left from there. Also, we spent 4th of July in lake jackson where we built a bonfire on the beach at the gulf of mexico. It was awesome, by far the greatest 4th of july and road trip i have ever been on since it was with friends.

Ok, well, onto whats happening in life. Well, I guess right now nothing too big to report, Im just thinking about my future, as usual. Now that the school year is approaching Im a little worried about being an RA at a new place because its a huge change and if theres one thing that my brother always told is that I am horrible and coping with change, but I have had some long time to think about it and get input from several people and and all I can say is, "Carpe Diem" and seize whatever comes my way, Ok, thats the last time ill dwell on that here, I promise.

OH!!! I saw Harry Potter 5 the other day and it was amazing and all I can say is that it was bad ass!!! I have read all of the books and they did leave a lot out of the movie but even if you havent read it you would still understand it and be impressed.

So, back to reality...I have been really trying to do new things that dont involve movies and reading and currently its just extremely hard for me. The reason I am doing this is so I can connect with more people because I feel that my interests isolate me from everyone because I am a very rare person who enjoys these types of things. Dont get me wrong, I am not trying to abandon what interests God has given me, Im just trying to expand my horizon since i feel isolated from most people who are interested in some of the same things, and i dont want my future to boring. Connecting with people has been hard for me for a long while, and I find myself not being able to talk to people because Im so different with what I like and do. Plus, I know that this is a stretch but i think that it sometimes has to do with the fact that I am not your stereotypical black man and dont act "black" as some would associate most black people as and its the same with other races as well. Things have changed but not fully. There are those who still treat people by the color of their skin and even though we hang out with different races there is that little voice in the back of some people's minds that tell them that that person is different. Its even voiced sometimes in the jokes we make about other groups of people. I try to break that but its a futile battle when people believe in stereotypes given to them and it makes matters worse when the group goes by those stereotypes and lives them, which im just going to say that my race does that and most of the time it sucks.
Anyway, I just want to say that if you are my friend and reading this I am not yelling or condemning you Im just voicing my own opinion on the matter because my whole life has been driven on the road of differences with my family and friends. God has really blessed me in giving me sight to see in-depth character in everyone and I believe everyone has it but its just shielded by other influences. Im just going to try not to isolate myself by what I usually like to do and try new things to better my communication. Its very hard for me to live this life by who I am and what I do, but then again, whoever said life was easy? I know it wasnt God. Well, all I can do is to continue to walk by faith on this road Im on.....

Destiny....

Everyone questions what their destiny is and if you knew me very well you would know that I have questioned that for more than half my life so far. I have always wondered what God had in store for me in the past by the choices I made back then. what kind of person would I be if I did do this or where would that have led me? For instance, before I was born my dad wanted to call me Jamal, a very typical Black name, but my brother wanted me to be named something different(He was 13 at the time) so he thought of a name that was not common for a black person to be named and he came up with Ryan. My name defines me because I am black but I dont segregate myself to my own race, and my brother told me thats why he named me Ryan, he wanted it to define me. I know, smart thinking for a 13 year old.

I know Im preaching to the choir because we all have felt that way some point in our lives about our destinies but like I said before I have always felt this way. The problem with being very different from other people you find it hard to find your place in the world and that sense of loneliness. I am very anxious about the future and I know very well that I shouldnt be because God does have a plan for me and its up to me to make the right choices.

I guess Im also preaching to the people who read this as well to not worry about what your future holds and as cliche as it sounds God does have a plan. Once again Matthew 6:25-34. I really need to start living by that verse because I worry to damn much. Work with the talents that God has given you and whatever comes at you make sure you make the right choice because even the smallest, simplest one can effect our entire destiny. Its both deep and somewhat cliche, but its true.......

Summer Update....

well, nothing too big except I GOT MY FIRST PAYCHECK!!!!!....not that this is the first paycheck i have ever gotten mind you, its just the first this summer. Also, Greta, the Hall Director for Clark, left on Sunday to go back to her home in California since she is officially done with graduate school. I am really going to miss her.

Lets see, I had my annual family reunion last sunday during memorial day weekend and that was great as always. I got about $50 from awesome relatives that used towards food. Of course, I still cant wait for Harry Potter: the last book and the latest movie. Work is the same, but its never boring even though we do the same stuff all the time and there are days where it is different.

Oh, and I have come to the realization that I need to read the Bible more. its been a while excluding Lent because that was a promise but I want to read it out of my own jurisdiction. i feel that it would really help determine my identity for what I shall become for the rest of my life because I have realized that I am 20 now and need to start thinking about what the future will hold for me as an independent person.

Also, everyone who reads this needs to checkout my friend Ben's awesome website that he helped create at his summer internship: Its amazing!!! You get to create your own songs on the internet with drums, guitar, and pianos. Be patient with it because its still under construction, but it should be finished by the end of the summer.

Well, so far so good for me, I hope everyone else is doing well......