Im just really scared......

My Idol....

If you ever ask me who my idol is, I would always tell that it would be my brother. He has always been there for me and has never let me down at anything. He is a person that I would not hesitate to take a bullet for and Im sure he feels the same for me.

My family, on my dad's side has a history of prostate cancer and my brother went to get a check up and the doctor told him that he does have traces of it and should immediately take care of it. So, he is going to have surgery this summer. Ive been a little distressed about this and it doesnt help that its Finals week. He told me not to worry about it even though he knows I am. I will continually pray for him......

9=Mozart

Well, as if those who know me dont already know, after 9 interviews at every single hall on campus that I could interview at, the last hall to interview me, got me, Mozart Square!!! Im really excited because Im in the system and the community of RAs. I know it sounds nerdy, but I think that Im going to enjoy it. Who wouldnt? free room and board and you get your own room and best of all, Ill be working in an upper-classman dorm and it has amazing rooms. Plus, the president of Maple, the dorm next to Clark, will be working with me as well. I feel very lucky to have been the only one to have received an interview from every hall, at least thats what Carl told me.....

Prayer.....

Lord, please be with the victims and families of those at Virginia Tech. Please comfort them in this horrific time in our nation's history.....

Whew!!!!.......

These past two weeks have been.....not exactly "hell" because i have enjoyed much of it, its just been very busy. It's why I havent blogged in almost three weeks. Anyway, I left you at the part where was very nervous about my RA interviews....well, I GOT PASSED PHASE 1!!!!!!! Of course, if you already knew this then Im not telling you just the people that don't know.

Well, now that that was out of the way, I had to concentrate on Hall of the Year. Needless to say this was going to take a whole lot of my time, literally. The Bid for HOY was due on Tuesday April 3rd, and also everything else that was school related was due on that day. All of the projects I had to so before Finals were due on that day. Fortunately, I got everything done, but at 4AM!!!!!!! and I had to get up at 7:45. What made my day awesome on that day was that it was done. I kept saying to everyone that when Tuesday is over i will be fine. The bid was amazing!!! I was soo impressed by it that I printed out a copy so that everyone could see it. Sort of an unofficial yearbook for Clark Hall. The paragraphs that me and my board wrote were sooo wonderful!!! Good job guys.

Ok, The next thing that I had to worry about was the filming part of HOY. We were doing a spoof on Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I dont know how we could do a spoof of a spoof but it worked spoofilly. Well, we started filming on that Thursday and it went sooo well. Josh was amazing as the Bridge of Death guy. So, Good Friday rolled along and as usual I watched a rendition of the Passion to remind me what He went through for us. I got a call from West Hall for an RA interview on Thurssday!!!!!!! the only thing was that I was sooo nervous because from that day on I began to get anxious about how I could be an RA at West because I just couldnt see my self there. But, I had more pressing matters to attend to like editing my HOY video.....

Editing takes forever, even for just a six minute video so a good friend and I edited the video on Sunday while I also studied for two tests that i had that week. Also, I was checking my e-mail and I got an e-mail from Melanie Sawyer, the new Hall Director of Clark and Honors hall and she wanted to set up an interview!!!! YES!!!!!!! Thus began the awesome second week....

In addition to setting up the interview for Clark and Honors Hall on Thursday and finishing the HOY video very late on monday night, i had finally heard back from the CA position and I secured my summer!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! awesome week!!! Tuesday of that week was the last day that I had to deal with RHA!!!! YEAH!!!! What a great week!!! the videos from the other halls were hilarious by the way and one of my tests were pulled back a week!!!.....

So, Thursday came along and I had to prepare for my interviews at West, Clark, and Honors while also preparing for RHA Day. The interviews went very well. Luckily, I talked to Andy before my interview and he made me feel much more calm about it and made me realize that no matter what hall I get put in I will be fine. He was right, because my interviews went very well, and I wouldn't mind working at any dorm now. Dont get me wrong, working at Clark would be awesome too.....

The conclusion of my week was the crazy president's inauguration and Field Day. Lets just say that I wasted five hours of my life at this inauguration with them talking about how great our new president is. Take it from me, she's ok, but she's mean. That whole day was just crazy. Ironically, it was Friday the 13th and we almost had a tornado on that day. God was mad that we dedicated a day just to her. Ok, Field Day was amazing, tiring, but amazing. Everyone had a blast, literally, because everyone got hurt by the end of it. Although, we had ice cream and cheesecake to top it all off......

Now, my two weeks of not-"hell" would not be complete without me contemplating things in my life. the latest thing I have been pondering is my friendship with a certain person. He.....yes, "He"....is very passive with me and I guess Im just an emotional guy, I get it from my dad, but if I can trust people with my emotions, why cant he trust me with his. its just frustrating and angering, so I had to talk to someone so i talked to Andy. Best guy to talk to by the way. We had a very long talk and he suggested that I take a break from hanging out with him. So, I am. I just feel that if he cant trust me and I can trust him, whats the point?.......

Ok, its Monday night on the third week, and to save you from reading a never-ending blog, Ill just stop here. Just know that I right this long because everything is ending, and i only have this week and next week left of CHA and class work until Finals. I cant wait until summer!!!!! Whew........

Nervous.......

Oh Lord God, why have you forsaken me with sooo much emotion. No, not really, I like it Lord....in fact, I love it......see, "Love", a strong emotion....Anyway, I am very very nervous about my RA interviews coming up. I know that everyone says that I shouldn't be, but I just am. I was just gifted with soooo much emotion that I instantly feel the strongest of any of my emotions. Good thing that the thing that I can control really well is my anger.

Don't get me wrong, I am confident about it, but I'm still nervous because I have always feared the unknown. The main reason I am nervous is because I feel that I am becoming an RA for the wrong reason. Personally, I wanted to be an RA just to have that staff connection since I haven't had that. When I say that, I mean that I just wanted to truly be involved with the RA staff as a member and I am forgetting what else goes with the job. Most of the time I forget this and that is making me nervous. I see RAs having fun and I forget the purpose of what their job entails. I do have to have fun with the job but I have to remember its purpose, so there has to be a balance. For right now, Im just nervous.........

Crazy......

I just realized that EVERYTHING IS DUE NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!! I have an abstract for my film class due Tuesday. I have an oral presentation for spanish on thursday. Clark Hall's written bid is due that Tuesday as well. Finally, I have to film and edit the skit this week and next week. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Times like this make me wish that this was done before Spring Break.....why me.......

Ill be doing a lot of praying......

Perception(cont.).....

Also, I have become a taker instead of a giver. I'm not talking about my birthday, just other things. I need to give more to the people who support me. I feel that they support me more than I support them. Its just subtle support like nice things that people do for me and I take it without giving some kind of compensation. Even though they say that I shouldnt repay them, they would feel great if I did. I just need to find a dichotomy for what I give and take......

Perception.....

Ive been thinking lately (I know, never a good sign), but I have been thinking about the way I relate to others. I need to change the perception that people have of me when they first see me. In other words, I always look stressed or distressed at something. I haven't been fair to my friends. I need to be more upbeat than I am. Like I've said before, I was never like this last year so now that I am twenty and not teenager anymore, I guess this is the perfect time to start this new outlook.

I don't think that I have been fair to God as well because of the way I've been acting. He knows that I am better than this. I have dealt with bad days before, and now that I am older and exposed to new things I guess bad things are going to become more and more common and this year has been a test on how I can deal with it. I need to trust in the support system I have with my family and friends. I have been blessed with this support so I should respect it as He would intend, but not just for Him for myself as well.....

They're at it again.......

This one's cool.....

Two decades of life......

OMG!!! I am at a loss for words. So, I was coming back from Chicken Express yesterday having dinner because Jenna and Johnny O offered to pay for me as a birthday gift, I entered Clark and there was a huge group of people crowding the front desk. Now, I have never been surprised before so I was shocked when everyone started singing "Happy Birthday" to me and gave me gifts. Wow, I am just amazed how much support I really have. Unfortunately, God did not give me better words to say other than, "THANK YOU!!!!" I wish i could I say more but there is nothing I else I know. Thank you sooo much guys.....

Alright......

I have been really down these last couple of days, I mean REALLY down. I have never had my heart broken in such a way that it really hurts to the point where I feel so insignificant. Its like what Ron Burgundy said, "I have no heart, because a she-devil stole it!!!" Everything can be tailored to that movie. Anyway, I have been alone in my room not talking to anyone except my roommate for the past two days. I just wanted to be alone and sort out these feelings for myself.

It wasn't just the girl problem that got me down, I was also contemplating all of the unusual bad things that have happened to me over the school year. This has never happened to me before. I have never had sooo many bad days before. Well, like I said, I wanted to be by myself and I didn't want to hear any cliche remarks from people about how its going to get better. Trust me, I know that. I just wanted to sort this out for my self and be depressed for a while. Sometimes, having your space is needed. I see that now.

Basically, I'm still not over it, but I am letting myself out of the room. So, to anyone whom I know, if I avoided you or snapped at you, I'm sorry. These are new feelings for me which I have never felt before and I guess this is the way I cope with it.......

Girls......

I think that this is the....seventh time that I have been rejected. For those of you who have been single for a very long time.....I feel for you. There are those of us that women do not see attractive at all and do not even want to get to know us fully at all. The sad fact is, that although most of the so-called hot girls are the superficial/sudo ones, there are those girls with great personalities and whom you automatically connect with that reject you for some stupid minuscule reason that they can not fully back-up.

My roommate once told me last year to not look for love, but let fate guide on your quest and just keep on living your life. Although he was right, I feel that when opportunity knocks that you have to answer the door. I believed today was my opportunity, and regardless of past failure, I was going to be confident. Besides, the one in middle school she had to be the most shocking rejection: she just flat out said no, but it was a tone that suggested a little disgust at the question.

I had known this girl for six months and we were becoming really good friends, so I just don't get it. I know that I am not that attractive, but damn!!!! Oh well.....

I am going to try and not let that ruin the rest of my life and just stop at this point in my life. I mean I am depressed, but i figure that I am only 19 about to be 20, so I have a long life ahead....I hope....I will let fate guide my life and pursue my life's dreams. After all, this is life and I have to cope with rejection, even if it is a whole bunch.......

Tired....

Right now I feel like dozens of nights of going to sleep really late at night is all coming unto me at this one particular night. I got seriously tired around 5pm and I took a serious nap. I woke up still feeling tired. I really need to take more naps or stop going to sleep so late. Although, knowing Andy, he would want me to take more naps.

The Oscars were last night and we had a program in the TV room, but setting up for it was killer and then, I realized how much really don't relax during situations, which is a huge flaw in my life. I guess I do get flustered and stressed over jobs and duties that I have to do in my life. I have always been told to relax and I really should. I just get caught up in the moment and focus on the little things instead of the big picture. I get it from my dad. If I do become an RA I really have to work on that.....

It Has Begun....

As of this moment Lent has begun, and guess what I have given up......MOVIES!!!!! That's right, I am officially rehabilitating myself from my overbearing love of movies. It took loads and loads of contemplation for me to come to this decision since I have never done anything like this before. This has to be the greatest thing that I have ever given up during Lent, and I am going to stick to this no matter what. Here are the terms:

The days that I am not going to watch movies are monday thru friday and since Lent is null and void on the weekend, I am only going to be able to watch two but my goal is to abstain completely. I am only going to watch two if it is only necessary.....I hope...

I believe that Lent helps me gain a closer relationship with God and for the past couple of years I have been taking it for granted and not really celebrating it to the fullest extent to the point where I almost stopped practicing it. Also, I give up something trivial just for the sake of it and it doesnt do anything for me. So, I feel that this Lent will be a turning point in my relationship with God.

It will be hard, Im not going to lie, and despite what others think, I believe that I can do this. I feel that I have broken the 1st Commandment which is Thou Shalt Not Have Any gods Before Me. In my spare time I will discover new things that interest me so that I can come out of my bubble of being invested into one interest. By doing this, I feel that I will have closer relationship with God because I am putting Him first which will, hopefully, teach me a lifelong goal....

I Love Stewie!!!!.....

Happy Single Awareness Day(SAD)!!!.....

No, seriously, Happy Valentine's Day everyone. May that special someone really know and understand how you feel....

Connections....once again....

I had my first Black History Program at Clark on last Wednesday. It was at 7pm in the tv room and it was a discussion panel on every thing to do with racial issues now and in the past. It was crazy. It was sooo hard to contain everyone because everyone had something to say about everything. It lasted until 1130pm!!! Amazing, I know!!!

Anyway, after that program I began to reevaluate the way I perceive my life and try to really notice the way people perceive me. Some of the ways that I have noticed about my life are good and of course some are bad. The way others perceive me is different because there is more bad than good.

Well, at Clark I am perceived and known as the "movie guy" and nothing else. The fact is that throughout most of my life I have been known as that. It grows on you in both a good way and a bad way. People can always count on you when it comes movies and entertainment, although, that is all that they can count on you for because that is all that they think is our purpose.

people have different purposes and interests on this earth and most people have more than one. I am afraid that I think I have just one. I am afraid that this is going to be the only thing in my life that people are going to know me for and it is scary. I can not connect with people in any other way. Basically, I need a life....

In a way, it seems that I am jealous of those around me and I use the term "jealous" very loosely because I just sometimes yearn to have and experience what they have experienced since I have not done much outside of my own one interest.

Well, the real reason I am writing this is that yesterday a friend and I were hungry but I had a meeting to go to and told him that I would call him once i get out. So I do and he is already eating. The thing is, he seems to do stuff like this a lot. Its not just him, but its like that with a lot of my friends making it seem that I don't have the connection that I should if I am their friend. I dont know, maybe I'm not being a good friend.

There are barriers that I feel that I cant get around because I am one of the few people that are black, has an interest outside of sports, and hangs out with other races more often. I guess some people are still not used to a black man hanging out with you. I am mad at my friend but we are only human and I shouldnt concentrate on little problems and look at the big picture: at least he is my friend. The full connection may not be there, but he still is my friend.

Despite it all, I still pray, and I pray for that day when I will be seen by all for more than what they think interests me. My interest does not completely shape who I am.....

Nerds!!!!....

Awkward.....

I recently helped my friend Janna with a school project where she had to come up with an imaginary product that she could sell to others like an infomercial. So we both got to thinking and all of a sudden I came up with the perfect product.....Awkward-Away: It would help people not have awkward moments or conversations. That always happens to me. I dont know why, I guess I just cant talk to people even friends without having some kind of awkward moment. Anyway, Janna loved it and decided to use it.

But, Im focusing on the fact that I have sooo many awkward moments in my life that I guess it has just grown on me. Living at Clark I am constantly surrounded by friends so for me I guess its hard to talk to everyone. I am in a crowded room with bunches of people that I know and they all are talking to one another and have things to say and I have nothing to say. I mean I want to say something, I just dont know what. This also constitutes my lack of female relationship status. It sucks!!!!

For me, to have a conversation means that it has revolve around some form of entertainment, in my case, movies. It gets tedious after so many years and I yearn to relate to other things but I feel that I missed out on certain things that everyone else has experienced. Every time a friend of mine starts a conversation with another that is interesting, common knowledge, or just a funny topic, I just say to myself why cant I think of stuff like that to talk about. Im sure Im not the only one who has these problems. Talk to my friend Janna she has a product that can help you.....