Tired....

Right now I feel like dozens of nights of going to sleep really late at night is all coming unto me at this one particular night. I got seriously tired around 5pm and I took a serious nap. I woke up still feeling tired. I really need to take more naps or stop going to sleep so late. Although, knowing Andy, he would want me to take more naps.

The Oscars were last night and we had a program in the TV room, but setting up for it was killer and then, I realized how much really don't relax during situations, which is a huge flaw in my life. I guess I do get flustered and stressed over jobs and duties that I have to do in my life. I have always been told to relax and I really should. I just get caught up in the moment and focus on the little things instead of the big picture. I get it from my dad. If I do become an RA I really have to work on that.....

It Has Begun....

As of this moment Lent has begun, and guess what I have given up......MOVIES!!!!! That's right, I am officially rehabilitating myself from my overbearing love of movies. It took loads and loads of contemplation for me to come to this decision since I have never done anything like this before. This has to be the greatest thing that I have ever given up during Lent, and I am going to stick to this no matter what. Here are the terms:

The days that I am not going to watch movies are monday thru friday and since Lent is null and void on the weekend, I am only going to be able to watch two but my goal is to abstain completely. I am only going to watch two if it is only necessary.....I hope...

I believe that Lent helps me gain a closer relationship with God and for the past couple of years I have been taking it for granted and not really celebrating it to the fullest extent to the point where I almost stopped practicing it. Also, I give up something trivial just for the sake of it and it doesnt do anything for me. So, I feel that this Lent will be a turning point in my relationship with God.

It will be hard, Im not going to lie, and despite what others think, I believe that I can do this. I feel that I have broken the 1st Commandment which is Thou Shalt Not Have Any gods Before Me. In my spare time I will discover new things that interest me so that I can come out of my bubble of being invested into one interest. By doing this, I feel that I will have closer relationship with God because I am putting Him first which will, hopefully, teach me a lifelong goal....

I Love Stewie!!!!.....

Happy Single Awareness Day(SAD)!!!.....

No, seriously, Happy Valentine's Day everyone. May that special someone really know and understand how you feel....

Connections....once again....

I had my first Black History Program at Clark on last Wednesday. It was at 7pm in the tv room and it was a discussion panel on every thing to do with racial issues now and in the past. It was crazy. It was sooo hard to contain everyone because everyone had something to say about everything. It lasted until 1130pm!!! Amazing, I know!!!

Anyway, after that program I began to reevaluate the way I perceive my life and try to really notice the way people perceive me. Some of the ways that I have noticed about my life are good and of course some are bad. The way others perceive me is different because there is more bad than good.

Well, at Clark I am perceived and known as the "movie guy" and nothing else. The fact is that throughout most of my life I have been known as that. It grows on you in both a good way and a bad way. People can always count on you when it comes movies and entertainment, although, that is all that they can count on you for because that is all that they think is our purpose.

people have different purposes and interests on this earth and most people have more than one. I am afraid that I think I have just one. I am afraid that this is going to be the only thing in my life that people are going to know me for and it is scary. I can not connect with people in any other way. Basically, I need a life....

In a way, it seems that I am jealous of those around me and I use the term "jealous" very loosely because I just sometimes yearn to have and experience what they have experienced since I have not done much outside of my own one interest.

Well, the real reason I am writing this is that yesterday a friend and I were hungry but I had a meeting to go to and told him that I would call him once i get out. So I do and he is already eating. The thing is, he seems to do stuff like this a lot. Its not just him, but its like that with a lot of my friends making it seem that I don't have the connection that I should if I am their friend. I dont know, maybe I'm not being a good friend.

There are barriers that I feel that I cant get around because I am one of the few people that are black, has an interest outside of sports, and hangs out with other races more often. I guess some people are still not used to a black man hanging out with you. I am mad at my friend but we are only human and I shouldnt concentrate on little problems and look at the big picture: at least he is my friend. The full connection may not be there, but he still is my friend.

Despite it all, I still pray, and I pray for that day when I will be seen by all for more than what they think interests me. My interest does not completely shape who I am.....

Nerds!!!!....

Awkward.....

I recently helped my friend Janna with a school project where she had to come up with an imaginary product that she could sell to others like an infomercial. So we both got to thinking and all of a sudden I came up with the perfect product.....Awkward-Away: It would help people not have awkward moments or conversations. That always happens to me. I dont know why, I guess I just cant talk to people even friends without having some kind of awkward moment. Anyway, Janna loved it and decided to use it.

But, Im focusing on the fact that I have sooo many awkward moments in my life that I guess it has just grown on me. Living at Clark I am constantly surrounded by friends so for me I guess its hard to talk to everyone. I am in a crowded room with bunches of people that I know and they all are talking to one another and have things to say and I have nothing to say. I mean I want to say something, I just dont know what. This also constitutes my lack of female relationship status. It sucks!!!!

For me, to have a conversation means that it has revolve around some form of entertainment, in my case, movies. It gets tedious after so many years and I yearn to relate to other things but I feel that I missed out on certain things that everyone else has experienced. Every time a friend of mine starts a conversation with another that is interesting, common knowledge, or just a funny topic, I just say to myself why cant I think of stuff like that to talk about. Im sure Im not the only one who has these problems. Talk to my friend Janna she has a product that can help you.....

Hyde's evil results....

My family has always told me that I dont know my own strength and that I can be hulk when motivated. Well, as you know, I dont play sports a lot and so having all of that sports persistance bottled up inside, sometimes explodes when i do play sports. Its kind of like a Jekyll and Hyde complex. So, being involved in Clark means that sometimes I play some sports for fun. Well, we play soccer at midnight on fridays, which is Johnny-O's program. Although I try to suppress it, my Hyde complex comes out every time I play sports and I get crazy and tough. Recently, its been towards women. Trust me, I have been feeling horrible about this because the last thing that I ever want to do is hurt a woman.

Ok, the day was sunday and ben, johnny o, and I were playing ultimate frisbee with others. Well, johnny o's team had the frisbee and it was about to be thrown to johnny so I thought I would intercept. Well, we collided, his foot wrapped around mine and twisted, and he fell. At first he looked fine until I saw him crawling on the ground. i rushed over to him and noticed that his right foot started to swell up incredibly fast, "Oh, crap!!!" So, Ben and I were told to go to the hospital and we found out that he had broken his ankle.

Needless to say, the remainder of the day and Monday i really felt like total crap. I have never felt so bad within myself so i didnt let anyone see or talk to me because of how I was. I am currently still recovering but trust me, I am so much better than I was. i really have to watch my Hyde complex because it is messing up nice things in my life. Sometimes, "I'm sorry" just isnt enough....

Frustrating People.....

I just talked to my friend Keaton who has had a crush on this girl we both know and he finally asked this girl out, just to do something small to see where it might lead. Well, the girl told him that she was very busy and gave a very strong and compelling argument. We found out later that she was still here when she said she had to leave which really pissed Keaton off and I dont blame him. I feel for you man. I have the same problem with women and it sucks, badly.

Also, a certain staff member at Clark has really been getting on my nerves lately. I should say that this person has been getting on my nerves since I first moved to Clark my freshman year, but Im a person that likes to give people chances so I figure that he (yes, its a he) will change over time, which I thought he did but I was wrong. He plays around a lot saying that he hates me because he says it in a very sarcastic voice. Although, lately he has been demonstrating this to me a lot which has really been annoying me. Have you ever met a person who everyone likes and that person likes everyone else except you for some odd reason? I hate to not like people but this person is really making it hard for me to resist the urge.

Dont get me wrong, I can take a joke. I have been made fun of for more than half of my life and become used to it since I have realized that Im just an easy person to joke with, but I do have a line that I draw and once you have crossed it, its hard to cross back.

But hey, I cant change people's outlook on the world no matter how much I want to. As a wise man once said, "You cant change the world, but you can make a dent"-Edward Norton. There will always be people who cross that line and frustrate me, but I must learn to deal with it.

And yes, I know why Ben, people are stupid. I dont mention the name of the person who has been frustrating me because if I read this years later I hope that will have forgotten that this person has angered me and it wont matter anymore, hopefully.....

Road Ahead....

Well, The Lord of the Rings Marathon is over and Im amazed that it only took 11 hours to watch it because I seriously thought it would take longer than that since it was the extended versions. Oh well, its over and it was success even though we didnt have the projector. Everyone loved having my sound system in the TV room. It really is needed for that room. Clark seriously should consider getting one.

Life has been going very well lately which is the way it should be. I think things are much better here at Clark Hall at the beginning of this semester. The people are more adept to everyone since we have all come to know each other. The new people here are incredible as well. I also got a new roommate named Robert who is pretty cool and I dont think there will be any problems, heaven forbid.

Right now things are fine. Johnny O still makes pranks, Ben still thinks he's always right, but a good person for advice, and Andy still has some self-loathing but ironically is still a good person to go to for any kind of philosophical advice.

right now, I look forward to the road ahead, even though I have been a person who has had anxiety about the future....

IM BACK!!!!!.....

Hey world, Ryan is back and finally has a new laptop!!! This thing is amazing, I swear. Its much better than my old one. Well, I guess I have to fill you in on the events that have happened since I last left you...

First of all, I am keeping my promise and bringing in this year with a smile. When I returned to Clark it was awesome to see everyone back from the break and it was great to have a 3-person room to myself for a whole week. I watched a ton of movies and hung out in the TV room a lot since I had it all to myself. The first couple of days I was in Clark by myself since the RAs were at training, so it was kind of bittersweet to have Clark to myself. I did get bored and began to wish I was an RA but I knew its going to happen next semester so it was cool.

I did, however, become the honorary RA of Clark Hall while all of them were gone. Carl, the AHD, had me doing RA type jobs around the dorm to get ready for the residents to move in. It was fun and good training.

It was nice to see all of the residents come back and start to rekindle things back at Clark. We truly are not just a community but a family as well.

It was a long weekend to rest and relax with friends at every corner. On MLKJ Day, I hooked up my sound system to test it out for my Lord of the Rings Marathon and it worked very well. Then, I got many petitions to watch movies in there with the system so we watched a couple and judging by everyone's excitement I decided to hook it up in there more often, preferably during the weekend.

All of my classes are going very well so far and I think this semester will be better than last semester because I am no longer under the tyranny of Astronomy.

Ok, on wednesday, January 10th, I predicted that it would snow exactly a week from that day and no one believed me since I saw it on weather.com. I kept on saying it but no one believed me. Then, on the next wednesday, I got a call at 7:15am from Johnny O stating that I was right and he was wrong and he told me to look outside, and I just yelled at the top of my lungs. Needless to say, I had bragging rights all day while having snowball fights, watching movies, and drinking hot chocolate. It was a good day.

Well, thats it for right now, except that I am sick, but its just my nose running. My throat stopped hurting yesterday so Im good. Today is also Mr. Jumper's birthday so happy birthday to you Ben. I hoped you like the thoughtful gifts that everyone got for you. I cant wait to go to Olive garden tomorrow. Friday is going to be amazing since it is the first Friday that I dont have classes.....YES!!!!!

Hello 2007!!!!....

The year is finally over and time to start anew!!! Happy belated New Year!!!

I just got back from vacation and it was amazing!!!! I have never had so much fun with my brother, sister-in-law, and my nephew. If anyone has never been skiing then I suggest you do it before you die because it is sooo much fun!!! We drove to the Apalachian Mountains and skiied at a place called Shanendoah Valley. It was beautiful up there, and so cold!!! The snow was so thick that it reached my knees sometimes. Now, to make a long story short, I did not ski on any mountain where you would have to be a professional, i started out very small since it was my first time, and let me tell you, I fell so many times that my brother could not stop laughing and neither could I. But, it was fun to fall into the snow, I loved it!!! we stayed there for two days since we had to travel to Birmingham, Alabama for my uncle's funeral. It was a really nice funeral because I learned so much more about my uncle that I didnt know. He was a very religious person and had a lot of strength. Also, it was nice to get to hang out with all of my cousins while I was there. We went to the mall, saw the movie Dreamgirls, which is a fantastic movie by the way, and we just hung out. It was a very relaxing vacation. The East Coast is beautiful. As me, my brother, and my nephew were driving back from Birmingham to DC, we saw numerous mountains along the way that were just awe-inspiring. It was really cool to get to spend a lot of much-needed time with my brother because as I grow up, he sees a lot of himself in me when he was growing up, which makes him an even more awesome brother because hew gives me a lot of advice.

Yes, I needed that vacation soooo badly because of all the frustrations Ive had. What's funny is that there were frustrations also during my vacation, but it did not bother me. Too many to mention, but just know that I did not and would not let it get to me. I still dont get the deal, but Im tired of worrying about it, so Im welcoming this year with a smile.... :^)

Oh!!!

Just a side note, Ill be in Washington DC tomorrow until January 2nd visiting my brother who I havent seen in about 2 years, which is long enough to declare legally dead. Its going to be awesome!!!!.......

Merry Christmas!!!

To all who read this, I wish you a Merry Christmas!!!

But, I have to tell you what happened at my church....

Well, it started out as a regular church day, where I go to church help out the choir, and hang out with friends. It was Christmas eve so my choir was getting ready for our annual Christmas program and we were practicing while helping Father Mike decorate the entire church. Thats when it happened....

Father Mike realized he was in a jam for a part of the Christmas ceremonies, he forgot to pick out a Santa Claus. He and others started fanning out all over the church looking for anyone who could play Santa Claus, and my choir director, whom I have known all of my life, told them that I could do it. Uhhh, needless to say, I immediately said, "No!!!" and went on the rest of the afternoon at the church saying it because lets just say that exactly ten Chritmases ago I played Santa when I was nine for a play that my school put on and I tripped and fell. That experience has haunted me all this time. I also started looking around for anyone else who could play Santa, anyone, but everyone had stuff already to do for the program and couldnt do it. "Why me" I kept asking myself, then I realized that it was because God wanted me to do it. I guess, he wanted me to take that nine-year-old phobia away from my life....

In great reluctance, i agreed. Of course, through all of the entire service and program I was as nervous as I had never been before. I didnt know what was wrong with me because I have been on stage dozens of times, so I guess it was just that event that happened ten years ago....

It was time. I got up there, did whatever Santa Claus does with my experience of seeing it done from other Santas in the past and all in all, it was worth it. To see those kids light up when they saw me was just soooo indescribable. It brought me back to when I was that young. It was awesome. They sat on my lap, told me what the wanted for Christmas, and took pictures with me. Geez, I have a huge soft heart, "Why me!!!", but thanx anyway God....

No Humbug for me.....

Weird, all of these bad things keep happening even when Im at home. This year has totally been a drag...

Ok, once I got back I told my parents about my computer and the lengths i took to get it fixed, and they were proud of my effort to get them not to spend money, but we had to. So, the only place I looked up where I could possibly get it repaired was Northpark Mall in downtown Dallas, about 30 minutes away. Well, my mom and I went there, it took us 20 minutes to find a parking spot, we go in, and the store tells us that it would cost up to $500 to get it fixed. WHAT!!! Needless to say, they suggested we buy another one, so I have been trying to look for good prices for another ever since that day. Next, the dryer broke in our house after I dried my clothes, then, the garabage compactor broke. Today, we just got news that my uncle Chris is doing worse and its only a matter of time now. My mom is flying off to Birmingham to see him tomorrow so she might not be home for Christmas. Oh yeah, my dad found a gray hair on my head and I told him that it had to be because of this semester. That tells you I have had stress....

But, you know what, through it all, Im not mad or depressed because its Christmas. I make sure I do all the family traditions. Like every year, I volunteered at the Salvation Army by handing out gifts to neeedy families for Christmas. Because of the money we have to spend, I might not get a present this year, but you know, I really dont care. Its funny, I could actually care less. I have gotten all the presents for the people who care about me and that is what makes me feel good. Christmas has always been that special time of year for me where I reflect and my life and thank God so much for it. I truly think that this is a test from Him and I bless Him for always making see the true spirit of the Holidays. I truly think that nothing can destroy that spirit for me and thats the only present I need....

Vacation, all I ever wanted.....

Christmas break is here and it's time to celebrate. I am done with astronomy forever!!! So what if I got my first "D" in college, I still passed and that is good enough for me. I thought this terrible semester was complete when my laptop broke....oh yeah, my laptop broke. the connector on the back of the computer that connects the chord to the outlet broke off. So how am I writing this blog, I am at home on my desktop. Anyway, Back to the end of the semester....so as I was saying, I thought that this terrible semester would be complete with the total annihilation and destruction of my laptop, but no, I finally found my silver lining....I know its corny but just go with it, ok.....some really good friends of mine donated some money to buy me a $40 gift card to Hastings. Now, I have seen my fair share of tear-jerking movies in my day and have never cried at any of them, well except Passion of the Christ, but lets not get into that, anyway, this act of just plain awesome kindness almost made me want to show my feminine side. Oh c'mon, every man has a femenine side whether we want to accept it or not. I really can't thank everyone enough for what they did.

Well, its vacation time and on the day after christmas, the 26th, I am going to Washington DC to see my brother. Man, I cant wait because we are going skiing and its going to be awesome. Considering all of the dumb and stupid stuff that has happened to me this semester and normally does not happen in my life, I deserve this vacation.

Vacation, all I ever wanted, Vacation, have to get away......well, you know the rest.....

Be a Follower Not a Leader

For most of my life, my parents have told me to be a leader not a follower, and for most of my life I have strived to be that, but its just not in the cards. I have always been a follower. I have been influenced a lot by other people where in reality I almost have no individuality. Sometimes I just dont stand up for my own personal beliefs enough and when i do, there is a more compelling arguement that comes my way that someone else has brought forth, and I usually go with that. I need a life....

Plus, I help people all the time. I have been doing that since middle school, If people need someone to talk to they always come to me because I am only good to talk to and express feelings to. I have never done a lot just for myself and I guess its bittersweet because Im not really selfish. I always let others go before me, which sometimes is not good in a way. But again I think of how much different the world I know would be if I didnt even exist. Oh well, like I said there will be a satisfaction day for me and thats good enough for me....

Some Day.....

If you are one of those people who were never born with athletic talents or any kind of talent with games, I feel your pain....

This entire semester I have been getting more involved with intramurals at Clark and trying to excercise any kind of athletic talent or any kind of skill I have with games, but sadly I have none whatsoever. None for pool, ping-pong, board games, or sports in general just to name a few. I have lost every game I have come in contact with. You see, when I lose its, of course, my fault, but when Im on a team, we lose either because I suck or I just have this losing aurora around me where I cant be with a winning team. Dont worry, I find it very funny. For example, when I was playing Battleship with either Andy, Ben, or Johnny O, I would start winning at a really fast rate and just when I know I have them beat, out of nowhere this huge fluke happens where they beat me at the last second. Whats the deal!!! I even lose to the person who sucks really bad at something. Oh well, I have faith that one of these days I will win something, and it might be major because all of this losing has to add up to something major happening, I hope....

Well, until that day comes, Ill try to keep being a good sport about things.....

SNOW!!!!!

It was winter wonderland here at Clark Hall. It was awesome to play in the snow then come back inside, watch some movies while drinking hot chocolate. the only problem was that school closed at 3pm instead of earlier, but whatever Im just happy it snowed. I mean c'mon its Texas.

Infinity....NOT!!!!

when people go back and forth when they make jokes, some of them slap on infinity to the end of their joke which means the other person cant make any more. Its funny, but stop and think....nothing is infinite in this world except God, so it doesnt work, HA!!!

Anyway, surprise, surprise, Ive been in one of my moods again and I did promise that I would try not to write depressing stuff anymore, but the time demands it because my Uncle Chris is on life support right now and it doesnt look good.

As I stated in my previous blog, Uncle Chris has had a rough life. He was born paralyzed from the waist down and his immune system not fully working. Uncle is the fifth child of nine children on my mom's side. He is my mom's brother. He is in late forties right now and I see him as a huge role model in my life because he has had to indure his entire life. think of your life. he never experienced a lot of simple pleasure having been paralyzed, being black and living in the segregation era. Every time I see him he always has a smile on his face and he is one the friendliest people you could ever meet. I love him so much.

It goes to show you that nothing is infinite in this world. We take a lot of things for granted and this is what puts me in this mood; not just because of my uncle but how much life throws at us and we always focus on the little things without looking at the big picture. Uncle Chris did and I love him so much for that. Im just glad that he is finally going home and leaving the turbulence that is life to get there.

We all have to focus on the big picture because such things like love is eternal and will never die. My Uncle Chris showed me that. Thanks Uncle Chris.....