This Road I'm On......

Well, i know its been a while, but here it goes.....

Lets see, i recently got back from an extraordinary road trip with my friend ben to go see my other good friend andy in Del Rio, Texas and if you do not know where that is look on a map, locate san antonio and look directly west/left from there. Also, we spent 4th of July in lake jackson where we built a bonfire on the beach at the gulf of mexico. It was awesome, by far the greatest 4th of july and road trip i have ever been on since it was with friends.

Ok, well, onto whats happening in life. Well, I guess right now nothing too big to report, Im just thinking about my future, as usual. Now that the school year is approaching Im a little worried about being an RA at a new place because its a huge change and if theres one thing that my brother always told is that I am horrible and coping with change, but I have had some long time to think about it and get input from several people and and all I can say is, "Carpe Diem" and seize whatever comes my way, Ok, thats the last time ill dwell on that here, I promise.

OH!!! I saw Harry Potter 5 the other day and it was amazing and all I can say is that it was bad ass!!! I have read all of the books and they did leave a lot out of the movie but even if you havent read it you would still understand it and be impressed.

So, back to reality...I have been really trying to do new things that dont involve movies and reading and currently its just extremely hard for me. The reason I am doing this is so I can connect with more people because I feel that my interests isolate me from everyone because I am a very rare person who enjoys these types of things. Dont get me wrong, I am not trying to abandon what interests God has given me, Im just trying to expand my horizon since i feel isolated from most people who are interested in some of the same things, and i dont want my future to boring. Connecting with people has been hard for me for a long while, and I find myself not being able to talk to people because Im so different with what I like and do. Plus, I know that this is a stretch but i think that it sometimes has to do with the fact that I am not your stereotypical black man and dont act "black" as some would associate most black people as and its the same with other races as well. Things have changed but not fully. There are those who still treat people by the color of their skin and even though we hang out with different races there is that little voice in the back of some people's minds that tell them that that person is different. Its even voiced sometimes in the jokes we make about other groups of people. I try to break that but its a futile battle when people believe in stereotypes given to them and it makes matters worse when the group goes by those stereotypes and lives them, which im just going to say that my race does that and most of the time it sucks.
Anyway, I just want to say that if you are my friend and reading this I am not yelling or condemning you Im just voicing my own opinion on the matter because my whole life has been driven on the road of differences with my family and friends. God has really blessed me in giving me sight to see in-depth character in everyone and I believe everyone has it but its just shielded by other influences. Im just going to try not to isolate myself by what I usually like to do and try new things to better my communication. Its very hard for me to live this life by who I am and what I do, but then again, whoever said life was easy? I know it wasnt God. Well, all I can do is to continue to walk by faith on this road Im on.....

Destiny....

Everyone questions what their destiny is and if you knew me very well you would know that I have questioned that for more than half my life so far. I have always wondered what God had in store for me in the past by the choices I made back then. what kind of person would I be if I did do this or where would that have led me? For instance, before I was born my dad wanted to call me Jamal, a very typical Black name, but my brother wanted me to be named something different(He was 13 at the time) so he thought of a name that was not common for a black person to be named and he came up with Ryan. My name defines me because I am black but I dont segregate myself to my own race, and my brother told me thats why he named me Ryan, he wanted it to define me. I know, smart thinking for a 13 year old.

I know Im preaching to the choir because we all have felt that way some point in our lives about our destinies but like I said before I have always felt this way. The problem with being very different from other people you find it hard to find your place in the world and that sense of loneliness. I am very anxious about the future and I know very well that I shouldnt be because God does have a plan for me and its up to me to make the right choices.

I guess Im also preaching to the people who read this as well to not worry about what your future holds and as cliche as it sounds God does have a plan. Once again Matthew 6:25-34. I really need to start living by that verse because I worry to damn much. Work with the talents that God has given you and whatever comes at you make sure you make the right choice because even the smallest, simplest one can effect our entire destiny. Its both deep and somewhat cliche, but its true.......

Summer Update....

well, nothing too big except I GOT MY FIRST PAYCHECK!!!!!....not that this is the first paycheck i have ever gotten mind you, its just the first this summer. Also, Greta, the Hall Director for Clark, left on Sunday to go back to her home in California since she is officially done with graduate school. I am really going to miss her.

Lets see, I had my annual family reunion last sunday during memorial day weekend and that was great as always. I got about $50 from awesome relatives that used towards food. Of course, I still cant wait for Harry Potter: the last book and the latest movie. Work is the same, but its never boring even though we do the same stuff all the time and there are days where it is different.

Oh, and I have come to the realization that I need to read the Bible more. its been a while excluding Lent because that was a promise but I want to read it out of my own jurisdiction. i feel that it would really help determine my identity for what I shall become for the rest of my life because I have realized that I am 20 now and need to start thinking about what the future will hold for me as an independent person.

Also, everyone who reads this needs to checkout my friend Ben's awesome website that he helped create at his summer internship: Its amazing!!! You get to create your own songs on the internet with drums, guitar, and pianos. Be patient with it because its still under construction, but it should be finished by the end of the summer.

Well, so far so good for me, I hope everyone else is doing well......

Pirates!!!!!!!

Pirates 3 was amazing and Im not just saying that, it actually was amazing!!! It blew the second way out of the water (no pun intended). There was just sooo much awesomeness in this one and it renewed my love for the the films. I think it actually gave the first one a run for its money. Im not a person who usually thinks that sequels even compare to the first in the series so this is one of those rare moments......

My Job....

Man, I love my job. It may not be the best job in the world, but hey its a job!!! It may pay minimum wage, but hey, its a job!!! I may just be cleaning rooms, but hey......its a job!!!!!!

Seriously, I do love this job. A job that entails cleaning rooms may be trivial to some but I have an awesome group of people to hang out with and they all feel the same way about this job. If we didnt have each other, this job would suck BIG time. We are forced to see each other every day for a total of 91 days during the summer and I am pretty sure we will be ok with that.

Like I have said before this is a learning experience for me since I am working away from home. God will test since Im only twenty and I hope Im prepared, but at the same time he has given me a good support group that feels the same way I would feel in a situation pertaining to my job. Of course, its only the first week and a half but a lot has gotten me going and how much I need to learn from this job no matter how trivial it is. It keeps me going.

Its a good thing that I have my own room now so that I am able to contemplate things more fully.....

I hope everyone I know or who knows me is having a great summer!!! Hit me up if you want to talk!!!!

Summer......

Well, summer is here and I think that it is not going to suck this year. The main reason why is that I am not home and here on campus working. Yeah, I know that there are going to be days where being here is going to be boring but the way I see it is that I would rather be here than at home.

To me, this is a growing experience for me since I am working and also away from home. It might sound corny, but Im loving the independence and being here with friends. This weekend, everyone left and I am basically sitting here in West by myself. Its only the first weekend and every one is gone. I can understand that its summer and everyone here wants to really START their vacation but Im really loving this relaxing time right now, since it gives me a chance to evaluate things in my life.

My job is fun for the most part. The only strenuous thing is the same cleaning routine at every dorm but I sense that everyone else on the CA crew feels the same as me so we all have no room to complain and we have fun with it which is awesome. Well, I have all summer and this weekend is only the first of many. I hope everyone has an awesome summer!!! I want to take a road trip somewhere with some friends, I might arrange that......

Geez!!!!......

Why am I so emotional? This is suppose to be a happy day!!! Im done with Finals, my parents are proud of me, Im going to have an awesome summer with friends and Im going to be an RA, so what the hell?!!!!

I know that some part of it is because of my brother of course, but his condition is 100% cure-able. Also, it might be that Im leaving Clark and Ive never been a person who has an easy time dealing with change, but c'mon its going to get better, right? YEP!!!!

I hope to God that Im not turning Emo!!! Oh man, my worst fear would come true. So, why am I dwelling on superficial things when I know that God would never let me down? I just dont know

I need to stop dwelling in the past and focus on the present. So what if I had bad things in the past, I need to learn from them and brush it aside. As for the future, I shouldnt worry because I know there's a plan for me out there.

Ive been on and off with this all year and now, at the end, its starting to get on my nerves. Is God trying to teach me about coping with my strong emotions and learn how to control them?

Ive been treating my friends like crap lately and getting angry over the most stupid stuff. Im sure its more annoying for them than it is for me. Im sorry guys.

This can not happen next year. This was a test and I barely past. I really need to get over myself, especially if Im going to be an RA. I really do hate feeling this way and I know that its not me and who I truly am........

Read this.....

This is a passage from a fellow blogger who is a friend of mine. He is also going through some rough times as well. I havent talk to him lately because I feel that I dont want to burden him with sympathy about my situation. Anyway, it a good passage that made me think about my faith and my relationship with God, plus how other people relate to Him. Warning: It is kind of depressing, but the root of it is good. Judge whether you agree or not......


It's a hard line. It requires more than it looks. The worst part is dealing with how far is too far. How far do you go before you have to step out of the box? I find that most times, the biggest reason people can't walk that is because they don't enough about what they believe to do it. We sacrifice our love for things that we don't fully understand under the assumption that we're standing for what we believe in. It's what you do in America, right? You sacrifice the group for personal happiness. This is what we're taught; this is how we live our lives. This is why the Church failed. It's why I no longer have a desire to get to know to people.
So much of my heart feels so hardened toward others. I can't help but feel this gigantic pain that never ceases. Walking outside, the wind blew through my hair. It pretended to refresh me and give me hope. The wind had something in it that desired to revitalize me. It was as if it had a purpose, but it had no reason. The wind didn't direct itself to find me. It had no choice. It filled it's own desire to be needed and left me unfulfilled, wanting more.
That's the way I see things now-a-days. We watch shows that give us hope that there's more to life, but what if we just came to realization that there isn't more. We aren't connected to each other on a personal level. Our desire is to find someone that we can use to give us our own high. Then we leave them. They've filled our egos. They've filled our self-centered hopefulness, and slowly, we've forgotten what's really going on. There's no longer a church. It has become a group of individuals that use each other for personal gain.
What destroys me is when I choose to talk to people about it. The church has failed, and we do nothing to change it. I feel the need to say that the bride of Christ has cancer. It's the cancer of pride, of egotism, of narcissism. So let's pretend like everything's ok. I'm dying inside. It hurts to continue to walk. It hurts to continue to fight this battle. I wish things could change. I pray that it one day does. America badly needs the eastern missionaries to show us what love is or to show us what a community really is.
I spent some time thinking, looking into my different relationships, revising them if you must. For the Dentonites, the one that I thought was my most valuable turned out to be the most abusive. "How's it going?" is the question asked of me, and all I can think about is "Why do you care?" I know their answer to it. I do. I don't like it one bit, but the truth remains. It's a question that doesn't have to be directly answered. Actions are more noticable than we think. For the Del Rioans, I no longer feel that I have a right to be involved. I've left. That town is a place that I no longer consider home. It's a place where my parents live, but it's not my home. I am no longer active, and so I have no right to believe I have value.
For the most part, burdens hurt, but why should you care? I believe Lawrence was right. Elliott Smith saved us all.

*EDIT* P.S.: Before there is any confusion, when I say that the church failed, I blame the church. This includes myself. Therefore, I blame myself as well as others. My own shortcomings help to add to the failure. I do not claim superiority as a christian. I am probably the worst of us all, though we are no better than anyone else, and that includes John Wayne Gacy and Cho (the guy that mass murdered Virginia Tech).

One of my favorites......

This is one of my favorite quotes from the Gospel according to Matthew because I try every day to live by this quote, and it is just one of those moments where I really realize how deep Jesus was. It is kind of long......


25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[a]?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Im just really scared......

My Idol....

If you ever ask me who my idol is, I would always tell that it would be my brother. He has always been there for me and has never let me down at anything. He is a person that I would not hesitate to take a bullet for and Im sure he feels the same for me.

My family, on my dad's side has a history of prostate cancer and my brother went to get a check up and the doctor told him that he does have traces of it and should immediately take care of it. So, he is going to have surgery this summer. Ive been a little distressed about this and it doesnt help that its Finals week. He told me not to worry about it even though he knows I am. I will continually pray for him......

9=Mozart

Well, as if those who know me dont already know, after 9 interviews at every single hall on campus that I could interview at, the last hall to interview me, got me, Mozart Square!!! Im really excited because Im in the system and the community of RAs. I know it sounds nerdy, but I think that Im going to enjoy it. Who wouldnt? free room and board and you get your own room and best of all, Ill be working in an upper-classman dorm and it has amazing rooms. Plus, the president of Maple, the dorm next to Clark, will be working with me as well. I feel very lucky to have been the only one to have received an interview from every hall, at least thats what Carl told me.....

Prayer.....

Lord, please be with the victims and families of those at Virginia Tech. Please comfort them in this horrific time in our nation's history.....

Whew!!!!.......

These past two weeks have been.....not exactly "hell" because i have enjoyed much of it, its just been very busy. It's why I havent blogged in almost three weeks. Anyway, I left you at the part where was very nervous about my RA interviews....well, I GOT PASSED PHASE 1!!!!!!! Of course, if you already knew this then Im not telling you just the people that don't know.

Well, now that that was out of the way, I had to concentrate on Hall of the Year. Needless to say this was going to take a whole lot of my time, literally. The Bid for HOY was due on Tuesday April 3rd, and also everything else that was school related was due on that day. All of the projects I had to so before Finals were due on that day. Fortunately, I got everything done, but at 4AM!!!!!!! and I had to get up at 7:45. What made my day awesome on that day was that it was done. I kept saying to everyone that when Tuesday is over i will be fine. The bid was amazing!!! I was soo impressed by it that I printed out a copy so that everyone could see it. Sort of an unofficial yearbook for Clark Hall. The paragraphs that me and my board wrote were sooo wonderful!!! Good job guys.

Ok, The next thing that I had to worry about was the filming part of HOY. We were doing a spoof on Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I dont know how we could do a spoof of a spoof but it worked spoofilly. Well, we started filming on that Thursday and it went sooo well. Josh was amazing as the Bridge of Death guy. So, Good Friday rolled along and as usual I watched a rendition of the Passion to remind me what He went through for us. I got a call from West Hall for an RA interview on Thurssday!!!!!!! the only thing was that I was sooo nervous because from that day on I began to get anxious about how I could be an RA at West because I just couldnt see my self there. But, I had more pressing matters to attend to like editing my HOY video.....

Editing takes forever, even for just a six minute video so a good friend and I edited the video on Sunday while I also studied for two tests that i had that week. Also, I was checking my e-mail and I got an e-mail from Melanie Sawyer, the new Hall Director of Clark and Honors hall and she wanted to set up an interview!!!! YES!!!!!!! Thus began the awesome second week....

In addition to setting up the interview for Clark and Honors Hall on Thursday and finishing the HOY video very late on monday night, i had finally heard back from the CA position and I secured my summer!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! awesome week!!! Tuesday of that week was the last day that I had to deal with RHA!!!! YEAH!!!! What a great week!!! the videos from the other halls were hilarious by the way and one of my tests were pulled back a week!!!.....

So, Thursday came along and I had to prepare for my interviews at West, Clark, and Honors while also preparing for RHA Day. The interviews went very well. Luckily, I talked to Andy before my interview and he made me feel much more calm about it and made me realize that no matter what hall I get put in I will be fine. He was right, because my interviews went very well, and I wouldn't mind working at any dorm now. Dont get me wrong, working at Clark would be awesome too.....

The conclusion of my week was the crazy president's inauguration and Field Day. Lets just say that I wasted five hours of my life at this inauguration with them talking about how great our new president is. Take it from me, she's ok, but she's mean. That whole day was just crazy. Ironically, it was Friday the 13th and we almost had a tornado on that day. God was mad that we dedicated a day just to her. Ok, Field Day was amazing, tiring, but amazing. Everyone had a blast, literally, because everyone got hurt by the end of it. Although, we had ice cream and cheesecake to top it all off......

Now, my two weeks of not-"hell" would not be complete without me contemplating things in my life. the latest thing I have been pondering is my friendship with a certain person. He.....yes, "He"....is very passive with me and I guess Im just an emotional guy, I get it from my dad, but if I can trust people with my emotions, why cant he trust me with his. its just frustrating and angering, so I had to talk to someone so i talked to Andy. Best guy to talk to by the way. We had a very long talk and he suggested that I take a break from hanging out with him. So, I am. I just feel that if he cant trust me and I can trust him, whats the point?.......

Ok, its Monday night on the third week, and to save you from reading a never-ending blog, Ill just stop here. Just know that I right this long because everything is ending, and i only have this week and next week left of CHA and class work until Finals. I cant wait until summer!!!!! Whew........

Nervous.......

Oh Lord God, why have you forsaken me with sooo much emotion. No, not really, I like it Lord....in fact, I love it......see, "Love", a strong emotion....Anyway, I am very very nervous about my RA interviews coming up. I know that everyone says that I shouldn't be, but I just am. I was just gifted with soooo much emotion that I instantly feel the strongest of any of my emotions. Good thing that the thing that I can control really well is my anger.

Don't get me wrong, I am confident about it, but I'm still nervous because I have always feared the unknown. The main reason I am nervous is because I feel that I am becoming an RA for the wrong reason. Personally, I wanted to be an RA just to have that staff connection since I haven't had that. When I say that, I mean that I just wanted to truly be involved with the RA staff as a member and I am forgetting what else goes with the job. Most of the time I forget this and that is making me nervous. I see RAs having fun and I forget the purpose of what their job entails. I do have to have fun with the job but I have to remember its purpose, so there has to be a balance. For right now, Im just nervous.........

Crazy......

I just realized that EVERYTHING IS DUE NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!! I have an abstract for my film class due Tuesday. I have an oral presentation for spanish on thursday. Clark Hall's written bid is due that Tuesday as well. Finally, I have to film and edit the skit this week and next week. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Times like this make me wish that this was done before Spring Break.....why me.......

Ill be doing a lot of praying......

Perception(cont.).....

Also, I have become a taker instead of a giver. I'm not talking about my birthday, just other things. I need to give more to the people who support me. I feel that they support me more than I support them. Its just subtle support like nice things that people do for me and I take it without giving some kind of compensation. Even though they say that I shouldnt repay them, they would feel great if I did. I just need to find a dichotomy for what I give and take......

Perception.....

Ive been thinking lately (I know, never a good sign), but I have been thinking about the way I relate to others. I need to change the perception that people have of me when they first see me. In other words, I always look stressed or distressed at something. I haven't been fair to my friends. I need to be more upbeat than I am. Like I've said before, I was never like this last year so now that I am twenty and not teenager anymore, I guess this is the perfect time to start this new outlook.

I don't think that I have been fair to God as well because of the way I've been acting. He knows that I am better than this. I have dealt with bad days before, and now that I am older and exposed to new things I guess bad things are going to become more and more common and this year has been a test on how I can deal with it. I need to trust in the support system I have with my family and friends. I have been blessed with this support so I should respect it as He would intend, but not just for Him for myself as well.....

They're at it again.......

This one's cool.....

Two decades of life......

OMG!!! I am at a loss for words. So, I was coming back from Chicken Express yesterday having dinner because Jenna and Johnny O offered to pay for me as a birthday gift, I entered Clark and there was a huge group of people crowding the front desk. Now, I have never been surprised before so I was shocked when everyone started singing "Happy Birthday" to me and gave me gifts. Wow, I am just amazed how much support I really have. Unfortunately, God did not give me better words to say other than, "THANK YOU!!!!" I wish i could I say more but there is nothing I else I know. Thank you sooo much guys.....