Time Ahead, Time Past, Time Missed.....

These past few days have been very stressful for me. If I had to count all of the things that I had due from the Monday I came back from Thanksgiving Break to now, I have had ten things due in multiple classes just because it is the end of the semester.

So, I am very sorry to all of the people that read my blogs since I havent posted them. Its all just nonsense anyway, I dont know why you read this stuff. Just kidding, but seriously.....

Anyway, another reason why I havent blogged in over a month aside from an overload of work and school is that I have been doing a lot of thinking about my past relationships with friends I have had and have right now and noticed how much things change throughout my life. Think about. You have that one special friend when you are young and you both think you will be friends for years and in some cases that does happen, but then there are those where you have an awesome relationship with and then whether it be days, weeks, months, or years, somehow something will happen where you never see him or her again, but the memories stay with you forever. I know its cliche but its true and from that person you learn and grow into understanding in how that person ran their life.

Needless to say, this has happened to me many times as Im sure it has happened to you and it just got me thinking about the person I was in the past and how much I have grown. I was a different person in elementary school, a different person in middle school, a different person in high school, and now, I am a totally different person in college, which is great because throughout all of this time meeting different people help me grow tremendously to who I am. So, here's to you people who know me. Thanks!!!

Ok, now onto the time ahead because I look at the future and what will happen to me. Right now, Im just a junior in college and I know Im going to be a super senior, but in that process, I am seeing so many good relationships leave me. Sure we say that we will keep in touch and hopefully we do, but what happens next will always be the question. Its sad to think about, I know, but then I think of all the things I have learned about that person and 9 times 10 it works, haha. As I have blogged before, I am not a person who handles change very well, but I adapt eventually.

It just becomes hard to see your life in a different light, but I have done it before and I am confident I can do it now. There is just going to be that hole where there will be time missed.....

Catch up....

Well, a lot has happened this month, mostly dealing with a lot of changes with the dorm and myself.

well, first and foremost, we finally got a new hall director at Mozart and his name is Steve and he is awesome. I have a good feeling about this guy and his methods of trying to be an amazing hall director.

There really isnt that much to report on my end about my exciting life(stop laughing) except I am keeping up very well with all of my friends, old and new, and I am once again doing the Star Wars marathon again (geez, stop laughing!!!) because it's an awesome to get people together and just hang out on saturday and possibly rest, especially after dealing with homecoming once again. Man, I have soooo many programs coming up this week!!!

Anyway, to spare you all from mindless rambling, Im gonna stop here. Just trying to play catch up....

PS-Happy Halloween!!!

John....

John Davis is a friend whom I have known since middle school. We never went to school together, we went to church together. Both of our mothers were very involved in our church choir and they still are. We and group of other church friends who we were equally close with would always hang out during the weekend like going to the movies or just being spontaneous. I didnt know anything about John outside of church and some about his family because we lived just down the street from one anotther.

The reason I write this is because John Davis is missing. My mom called me this past Sunday and told me he had been missing for a week and she didnt want to worry me too much until she had more information. Apparently, they found his mom's car 90 miles from Amarillo which had run out of gas and he lives in duncanville which is 20 minutes south of dallas and no where near Amarillo. he always wanted a car. Im really scared right now. A detective came up to Denton from my home in Duncanville and interviewed me trying to get any information about John. I just wish I knew more about him other than our affiliation with church. The thing is John would never do something like runaway so abruptly but there is no sign of a kidnapping so he must have ran and we dont know why. My mom is really distraught right now and Im a person who hates to see any of my family members distressed because it affects me. Right now, Im trying to go on with my life at the regular pace but it is getting increasingly difficult. i have never had to deal with anything like this so my emotions are just running rapid in confusion. I am going to seek counseling and try my best not to affect the others that I care for.

John Davis is a dark African-American male with dark brown eyes. He is tall, about 6'1" skinny with a very broad forehead and sagged eyes. If you have any information, please call the Duncanville Police at (972) 780-5037. I miss you John......

Fast.....

Life has been going very fast for me at the moment. The weeks are going away like the wind. Im not complaining because the weekends for me are longer because I rest. Also, I cant believe I have yet to skip one class since the semester started. Thats got to be some kind of a record. Im just glad its fall because the air is cooler and I have awesome days in fall because, like spring for most people, fall just gets to me and makes me feel awesome no matter what. Anyway, the life of an RA is very fast paced, its all go, go, go, go....Im used to it though, its just like when I was president, but much more responsibility. Ive said before that my residents are awesome, but not just my residents, but all the residents in the building. Like most dorms, there are a few who only get involved in dorm activities, and this place is no exception. We have a lot of people who get involved. Anyhoo, September is almost over and October is almost here and sooo many things are happening this month like my movie marathons (stop laughing), birthdays, midterms and projects, Halloween, on-calls, and most of all: Homecoming. Oh well, Im loving it, the fast pace keeps me on my feet. I hope everyone is doing well, but that their life isnt going as fast.......

Missing.........

I miss you a whole lot. Its been a long while since we have talked and when we do talk, its very awkward. You have your friends and I have mine but so what, we are still friends right? I feel neglected by you, like you have changed over time and I dont know why. I want to talk but you dont want to tell me anything. It has changed so much. I feel like you are not the person that I knew anymore. I want to talk to you but I am so afraid that you let me in or help you that I just dont. I want it to stop being awkward. We are really good friends, at least, I think we are. I am not going to change who I am and act towards you, I just hope that you can trust me because the fact of the matter is that I feel little respect from you when I try to be there or try to be nice. All in all, I miss you man......

Oldies.........

Ok, so I am soooo happy that I finally got 101 Dalmatians in the mail!!! I watched it once by myself then again with some of my residents. One of them stated how nowadays kids dont appreciate the old cartoon movies like this one. They are too used to CG and grand special effects. I feel blessed to have at leats grown up with a huge respect for old Disney movies or any old movie that I used to watch as a kid that probably came out in the 60s to 80s. Oh well, at least my brother is culturing my nephew on films of the past. In fact, some of the first movies he ever received were some of the ones I watched as a kid, so there's hope. I plan to keep on buying the old Disney movies and others like the Wizard of Oz so that I can culture other kids or for my kids (maybe). Anyhoo, thats my rant for today......if u want it u can take it, if not send it right back...... ;^)

Powerless......

Wednesday Semptember 5th, 2007 is a testament to how awesome God is.....

Ok, I was awoken by my alarm on my phone at 8AM for class. As soon as I touch it and turn off the alarm, my phone completely dies: No screen, nothing. Im like "Well crap" so soon after I try everything I know to get my phone to work again, I look up online the closest AT&T store and luckily there is one only two miles away from the campus on 288. I decide to go there immediately after class to check on my phone.....

So, Im done with class and Im walking straight to my car, but my automatic locks dont work, so I opened it manually, I put my keys in the ignition, turned, and nothing happened: My car was dead (at least, the battery was dead). At this point I am frustrated and I have to contact my parents. I use one of my residents' phones, call my parents and my dad says he will come up there to help me out since he works only 3o minutes away. I call Triple A and they come, along with my dad, and tow my car to Pep Boys while my dad and I go out in his truck to get a new phone.....

On the way, I learn that my dad lost his phone about a week prior, which, of course, I think is hilarious. We get to AT&T and my dad buys both him and me a new phone.....check that, its the same phone I had only new. We drive to Pep Boys and it turns out I need a completely new battery. I pay for that and by now everything is right in the world so my dad and I go out for lunch before he returns to work. I come back to Mozart and it has been raining all that day but by then it was sunny when I returned. From then on my day was spectacular and nothing else bad happened..........

Ok, so enough with the long story, the reason this relates to God is because I seriously think he had all of this planned out and here is why......

On September 2nd, it was my brother's 34th birthday, which he does not like for me to mention, but he, mom and dad came up to see me in my dorm room after the came back from the UNT Vs. OU game. If they had not come up here that weekend, my dad would have had no idea where I lived when he came up to help me with my situation. He could not contact me at all since I had no cell phone, which also proves how much we are dependent on technology but that is a whole nother long story. Anyway, It just goes to show you how even though this was a small plan of His, He has bigger and greater plans for us in the future, so we should never feel powerless........

My DNA......

To find out more.......


My personalDNA Report

Changes.....

Well, a couple of changes have happened in our hall. First, the biggest and most important change is that we are getting a new Hall Director. I know!!!! Im only about three weeks into school and Im already getting a new boss!!! To give Philip some justice, he got offered another amazing job as marketer for all of Housing which is a full-time job and he gets paid much more now which is of course reasonable. Even though I have only known him for three weeks, he has been one of the best bosses I have ever had and one of the coolest. I will miss him, but he will only be living a couple of blocks away in a house.

Another change is everyone's reaction to how different Mozart has become. While Casey and I work desk we have gotten loads of compliments on how different the place has been and how a lot more people come out of their rooms to hang out. People who have lived there for the past three years have said that it is the most people they have seen out of their rooms this early in the semester. Casey has his music and video games and I have my movies. I know, a match made in heaven, right? It is going to be an amazing year!!!

The last change pertains to me. Like I have said before, it is hard to not see the faces that I had seen every day for the past two years. Making new friends here is awesome and its what I love to do, but, I dont think Im alone here when I say that it makes you feel like you are abandoning some of your other friends which just makes you feel all kinds of out of sorts. Keeping up with my other friends is going well except for a few people but I am catching up with people that I havent seen since freshman year and some from high school like Zauber( His name is Ryan Zauber, so you can see why I call him Zauber) my best friend. Oh well, great things can never happen without some changes......

Adapting.....

Well, I survived RLT and trust me it was grueling and tough!!!!! It has been a while since I have been so exhausted. It literally was boot camp for RAs.

Also, Im finally moved into Mozart and I love, but, truth be told, its no Clark, but better rooms and better living. I will say that it is not the same community I had at Clark, but surprisingly to me it has a strong community here. My residents are pretty cool, at least the ones that have moved in and come out of their rooms. Plus, I have learned that Casey and I, a fellow rookie, are the only RAs to have the greatest number of residents: 70. I feel special and at the same time scared out of my mind!!! But I know that Ill be fine, its just the fact that have so many Student Interaction Forms to do now, oh well, Ill live, hopefully.

This semester is hard because as much as I love meeting new people its hard not seeing the people that I used to see every day. All I can do is keep in touch no matter how far away they grow. Well, Im gonna finish watching Scrubs and start my day.....

10 days......

Well, it is now officially august and exactly ten days until RLT and I officially become an RA at Mozart Square. Needless to say, since i have said it many times in the past, I AM TOTALLY SIKED!!!!!!!

Anyway, today was another grown-up or mature day or whatever you want to call it for me. I liked this girl whom I have liked for a few months and known for a year and I told her today how i truly felt about her because i felt that to let true love remain unspoken is the quickest way to a heavy heart......ok, i got that last part from a movie but it fits. I told her that whatever she said in response would not do anything to our friendship. Even though she declined, she told me how awesome it was that I was very honest with her and not drag on awkward moments when we are together. Plus, contrary to what people might think I am still truly going to stay friends with her.

Alright, also, I have noticed that I have not kept up with any of m friends this summer, past and present and I feel like an ass because I havent and I bet they think Im an ass. Oh well, if they are my friends they will forgive me but in my defense I have been working a lot and taking classes on the side. Although, I think that one of the reasons I feel this way is because some other friends of mine havent been keeping up with me like they usually do which makes me feel bad so before the summer is up i need to catch with people and see whats up.......

This Road I'm On......

Well, i know its been a while, but here it goes.....

Lets see, i recently got back from an extraordinary road trip with my friend ben to go see my other good friend andy in Del Rio, Texas and if you do not know where that is look on a map, locate san antonio and look directly west/left from there. Also, we spent 4th of July in lake jackson where we built a bonfire on the beach at the gulf of mexico. It was awesome, by far the greatest 4th of july and road trip i have ever been on since it was with friends.

Ok, well, onto whats happening in life. Well, I guess right now nothing too big to report, Im just thinking about my future, as usual. Now that the school year is approaching Im a little worried about being an RA at a new place because its a huge change and if theres one thing that my brother always told is that I am horrible and coping with change, but I have had some long time to think about it and get input from several people and and all I can say is, "Carpe Diem" and seize whatever comes my way, Ok, thats the last time ill dwell on that here, I promise.

OH!!! I saw Harry Potter 5 the other day and it was amazing and all I can say is that it was bad ass!!! I have read all of the books and they did leave a lot out of the movie but even if you havent read it you would still understand it and be impressed.

So, back to reality...I have been really trying to do new things that dont involve movies and reading and currently its just extremely hard for me. The reason I am doing this is so I can connect with more people because I feel that my interests isolate me from everyone because I am a very rare person who enjoys these types of things. Dont get me wrong, I am not trying to abandon what interests God has given me, Im just trying to expand my horizon since i feel isolated from most people who are interested in some of the same things, and i dont want my future to boring. Connecting with people has been hard for me for a long while, and I find myself not being able to talk to people because Im so different with what I like and do. Plus, I know that this is a stretch but i think that it sometimes has to do with the fact that I am not your stereotypical black man and dont act "black" as some would associate most black people as and its the same with other races as well. Things have changed but not fully. There are those who still treat people by the color of their skin and even though we hang out with different races there is that little voice in the back of some people's minds that tell them that that person is different. Its even voiced sometimes in the jokes we make about other groups of people. I try to break that but its a futile battle when people believe in stereotypes given to them and it makes matters worse when the group goes by those stereotypes and lives them, which im just going to say that my race does that and most of the time it sucks.
Anyway, I just want to say that if you are my friend and reading this I am not yelling or condemning you Im just voicing my own opinion on the matter because my whole life has been driven on the road of differences with my family and friends. God has really blessed me in giving me sight to see in-depth character in everyone and I believe everyone has it but its just shielded by other influences. Im just going to try not to isolate myself by what I usually like to do and try new things to better my communication. Its very hard for me to live this life by who I am and what I do, but then again, whoever said life was easy? I know it wasnt God. Well, all I can do is to continue to walk by faith on this road Im on.....

Destiny....

Everyone questions what their destiny is and if you knew me very well you would know that I have questioned that for more than half my life so far. I have always wondered what God had in store for me in the past by the choices I made back then. what kind of person would I be if I did do this or where would that have led me? For instance, before I was born my dad wanted to call me Jamal, a very typical Black name, but my brother wanted me to be named something different(He was 13 at the time) so he thought of a name that was not common for a black person to be named and he came up with Ryan. My name defines me because I am black but I dont segregate myself to my own race, and my brother told me thats why he named me Ryan, he wanted it to define me. I know, smart thinking for a 13 year old.

I know Im preaching to the choir because we all have felt that way some point in our lives about our destinies but like I said before I have always felt this way. The problem with being very different from other people you find it hard to find your place in the world and that sense of loneliness. I am very anxious about the future and I know very well that I shouldnt be because God does have a plan for me and its up to me to make the right choices.

I guess Im also preaching to the people who read this as well to not worry about what your future holds and as cliche as it sounds God does have a plan. Once again Matthew 6:25-34. I really need to start living by that verse because I worry to damn much. Work with the talents that God has given you and whatever comes at you make sure you make the right choice because even the smallest, simplest one can effect our entire destiny. Its both deep and somewhat cliche, but its true.......

Summer Update....

well, nothing too big except I GOT MY FIRST PAYCHECK!!!!!....not that this is the first paycheck i have ever gotten mind you, its just the first this summer. Also, Greta, the Hall Director for Clark, left on Sunday to go back to her home in California since she is officially done with graduate school. I am really going to miss her.

Lets see, I had my annual family reunion last sunday during memorial day weekend and that was great as always. I got about $50 from awesome relatives that used towards food. Of course, I still cant wait for Harry Potter: the last book and the latest movie. Work is the same, but its never boring even though we do the same stuff all the time and there are days where it is different.

Oh, and I have come to the realization that I need to read the Bible more. its been a while excluding Lent because that was a promise but I want to read it out of my own jurisdiction. i feel that it would really help determine my identity for what I shall become for the rest of my life because I have realized that I am 20 now and need to start thinking about what the future will hold for me as an independent person.

Also, everyone who reads this needs to checkout my friend Ben's awesome website that he helped create at his summer internship: Its amazing!!! You get to create your own songs on the internet with drums, guitar, and pianos. Be patient with it because its still under construction, but it should be finished by the end of the summer.

Well, so far so good for me, I hope everyone else is doing well......

Pirates!!!!!!!

Pirates 3 was amazing and Im not just saying that, it actually was amazing!!! It blew the second way out of the water (no pun intended). There was just sooo much awesomeness in this one and it renewed my love for the the films. I think it actually gave the first one a run for its money. Im not a person who usually thinks that sequels even compare to the first in the series so this is one of those rare moments......

My Job....

Man, I love my job. It may not be the best job in the world, but hey its a job!!! It may pay minimum wage, but hey, its a job!!! I may just be cleaning rooms, but hey......its a job!!!!!!

Seriously, I do love this job. A job that entails cleaning rooms may be trivial to some but I have an awesome group of people to hang out with and they all feel the same way about this job. If we didnt have each other, this job would suck BIG time. We are forced to see each other every day for a total of 91 days during the summer and I am pretty sure we will be ok with that.

Like I have said before this is a learning experience for me since I am working away from home. God will test since Im only twenty and I hope Im prepared, but at the same time he has given me a good support group that feels the same way I would feel in a situation pertaining to my job. Of course, its only the first week and a half but a lot has gotten me going and how much I need to learn from this job no matter how trivial it is. It keeps me going.

Its a good thing that I have my own room now so that I am able to contemplate things more fully.....

I hope everyone I know or who knows me is having a great summer!!! Hit me up if you want to talk!!!!

Summer......

Well, summer is here and I think that it is not going to suck this year. The main reason why is that I am not home and here on campus working. Yeah, I know that there are going to be days where being here is going to be boring but the way I see it is that I would rather be here than at home.

To me, this is a growing experience for me since I am working and also away from home. It might sound corny, but Im loving the independence and being here with friends. This weekend, everyone left and I am basically sitting here in West by myself. Its only the first weekend and every one is gone. I can understand that its summer and everyone here wants to really START their vacation but Im really loving this relaxing time right now, since it gives me a chance to evaluate things in my life.

My job is fun for the most part. The only strenuous thing is the same cleaning routine at every dorm but I sense that everyone else on the CA crew feels the same as me so we all have no room to complain and we have fun with it which is awesome. Well, I have all summer and this weekend is only the first of many. I hope everyone has an awesome summer!!! I want to take a road trip somewhere with some friends, I might arrange that......

Geez!!!!......

Why am I so emotional? This is suppose to be a happy day!!! Im done with Finals, my parents are proud of me, Im going to have an awesome summer with friends and Im going to be an RA, so what the hell?!!!!

I know that some part of it is because of my brother of course, but his condition is 100% cure-able. Also, it might be that Im leaving Clark and Ive never been a person who has an easy time dealing with change, but c'mon its going to get better, right? YEP!!!!

I hope to God that Im not turning Emo!!! Oh man, my worst fear would come true. So, why am I dwelling on superficial things when I know that God would never let me down? I just dont know

I need to stop dwelling in the past and focus on the present. So what if I had bad things in the past, I need to learn from them and brush it aside. As for the future, I shouldnt worry because I know there's a plan for me out there.

Ive been on and off with this all year and now, at the end, its starting to get on my nerves. Is God trying to teach me about coping with my strong emotions and learn how to control them?

Ive been treating my friends like crap lately and getting angry over the most stupid stuff. Im sure its more annoying for them than it is for me. Im sorry guys.

This can not happen next year. This was a test and I barely past. I really need to get over myself, especially if Im going to be an RA. I really do hate feeling this way and I know that its not me and who I truly am........

Read this.....

This is a passage from a fellow blogger who is a friend of mine. He is also going through some rough times as well. I havent talk to him lately because I feel that I dont want to burden him with sympathy about my situation. Anyway, it a good passage that made me think about my faith and my relationship with God, plus how other people relate to Him. Warning: It is kind of depressing, but the root of it is good. Judge whether you agree or not......


It's a hard line. It requires more than it looks. The worst part is dealing with how far is too far. How far do you go before you have to step out of the box? I find that most times, the biggest reason people can't walk that is because they don't enough about what they believe to do it. We sacrifice our love for things that we don't fully understand under the assumption that we're standing for what we believe in. It's what you do in America, right? You sacrifice the group for personal happiness. This is what we're taught; this is how we live our lives. This is why the Church failed. It's why I no longer have a desire to get to know to people.
So much of my heart feels so hardened toward others. I can't help but feel this gigantic pain that never ceases. Walking outside, the wind blew through my hair. It pretended to refresh me and give me hope. The wind had something in it that desired to revitalize me. It was as if it had a purpose, but it had no reason. The wind didn't direct itself to find me. It had no choice. It filled it's own desire to be needed and left me unfulfilled, wanting more.
That's the way I see things now-a-days. We watch shows that give us hope that there's more to life, but what if we just came to realization that there isn't more. We aren't connected to each other on a personal level. Our desire is to find someone that we can use to give us our own high. Then we leave them. They've filled our egos. They've filled our self-centered hopefulness, and slowly, we've forgotten what's really going on. There's no longer a church. It has become a group of individuals that use each other for personal gain.
What destroys me is when I choose to talk to people about it. The church has failed, and we do nothing to change it. I feel the need to say that the bride of Christ has cancer. It's the cancer of pride, of egotism, of narcissism. So let's pretend like everything's ok. I'm dying inside. It hurts to continue to walk. It hurts to continue to fight this battle. I wish things could change. I pray that it one day does. America badly needs the eastern missionaries to show us what love is or to show us what a community really is.
I spent some time thinking, looking into my different relationships, revising them if you must. For the Dentonites, the one that I thought was my most valuable turned out to be the most abusive. "How's it going?" is the question asked of me, and all I can think about is "Why do you care?" I know their answer to it. I do. I don't like it one bit, but the truth remains. It's a question that doesn't have to be directly answered. Actions are more noticable than we think. For the Del Rioans, I no longer feel that I have a right to be involved. I've left. That town is a place that I no longer consider home. It's a place where my parents live, but it's not my home. I am no longer active, and so I have no right to believe I have value.
For the most part, burdens hurt, but why should you care? I believe Lawrence was right. Elliott Smith saved us all.

*EDIT* P.S.: Before there is any confusion, when I say that the church failed, I blame the church. This includes myself. Therefore, I blame myself as well as others. My own shortcomings help to add to the failure. I do not claim superiority as a christian. I am probably the worst of us all, though we are no better than anyone else, and that includes John Wayne Gacy and Cho (the guy that mass murdered Virginia Tech).

One of my favorites......

This is one of my favorite quotes from the Gospel according to Matthew because I try every day to live by this quote, and it is just one of those moments where I really realize how deep Jesus was. It is kind of long......


25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[a]?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Im just really scared......

My Idol....

If you ever ask me who my idol is, I would always tell that it would be my brother. He has always been there for me and has never let me down at anything. He is a person that I would not hesitate to take a bullet for and Im sure he feels the same for me.

My family, on my dad's side has a history of prostate cancer and my brother went to get a check up and the doctor told him that he does have traces of it and should immediately take care of it. So, he is going to have surgery this summer. Ive been a little distressed about this and it doesnt help that its Finals week. He told me not to worry about it even though he knows I am. I will continually pray for him......

9=Mozart

Well, as if those who know me dont already know, after 9 interviews at every single hall on campus that I could interview at, the last hall to interview me, got me, Mozart Square!!! Im really excited because Im in the system and the community of RAs. I know it sounds nerdy, but I think that Im going to enjoy it. Who wouldnt? free room and board and you get your own room and best of all, Ill be working in an upper-classman dorm and it has amazing rooms. Plus, the president of Maple, the dorm next to Clark, will be working with me as well. I feel very lucky to have been the only one to have received an interview from every hall, at least thats what Carl told me.....

Prayer.....

Lord, please be with the victims and families of those at Virginia Tech. Please comfort them in this horrific time in our nation's history.....

Whew!!!!.......

These past two weeks have been.....not exactly "hell" because i have enjoyed much of it, its just been very busy. It's why I havent blogged in almost three weeks. Anyway, I left you at the part where was very nervous about my RA interviews....well, I GOT PASSED PHASE 1!!!!!!! Of course, if you already knew this then Im not telling you just the people that don't know.

Well, now that that was out of the way, I had to concentrate on Hall of the Year. Needless to say this was going to take a whole lot of my time, literally. The Bid for HOY was due on Tuesday April 3rd, and also everything else that was school related was due on that day. All of the projects I had to so before Finals were due on that day. Fortunately, I got everything done, but at 4AM!!!!!!! and I had to get up at 7:45. What made my day awesome on that day was that it was done. I kept saying to everyone that when Tuesday is over i will be fine. The bid was amazing!!! I was soo impressed by it that I printed out a copy so that everyone could see it. Sort of an unofficial yearbook for Clark Hall. The paragraphs that me and my board wrote were sooo wonderful!!! Good job guys.

Ok, The next thing that I had to worry about was the filming part of HOY. We were doing a spoof on Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I dont know how we could do a spoof of a spoof but it worked spoofilly. Well, we started filming on that Thursday and it went sooo well. Josh was amazing as the Bridge of Death guy. So, Good Friday rolled along and as usual I watched a rendition of the Passion to remind me what He went through for us. I got a call from West Hall for an RA interview on Thurssday!!!!!!! the only thing was that I was sooo nervous because from that day on I began to get anxious about how I could be an RA at West because I just couldnt see my self there. But, I had more pressing matters to attend to like editing my HOY video.....

Editing takes forever, even for just a six minute video so a good friend and I edited the video on Sunday while I also studied for two tests that i had that week. Also, I was checking my e-mail and I got an e-mail from Melanie Sawyer, the new Hall Director of Clark and Honors hall and she wanted to set up an interview!!!! YES!!!!!!! Thus began the awesome second week....

In addition to setting up the interview for Clark and Honors Hall on Thursday and finishing the HOY video very late on monday night, i had finally heard back from the CA position and I secured my summer!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! awesome week!!! Tuesday of that week was the last day that I had to deal with RHA!!!! YEAH!!!! What a great week!!! the videos from the other halls were hilarious by the way and one of my tests were pulled back a week!!!.....

So, Thursday came along and I had to prepare for my interviews at West, Clark, and Honors while also preparing for RHA Day. The interviews went very well. Luckily, I talked to Andy before my interview and he made me feel much more calm about it and made me realize that no matter what hall I get put in I will be fine. He was right, because my interviews went very well, and I wouldn't mind working at any dorm now. Dont get me wrong, working at Clark would be awesome too.....

The conclusion of my week was the crazy president's inauguration and Field Day. Lets just say that I wasted five hours of my life at this inauguration with them talking about how great our new president is. Take it from me, she's ok, but she's mean. That whole day was just crazy. Ironically, it was Friday the 13th and we almost had a tornado on that day. God was mad that we dedicated a day just to her. Ok, Field Day was amazing, tiring, but amazing. Everyone had a blast, literally, because everyone got hurt by the end of it. Although, we had ice cream and cheesecake to top it all off......

Now, my two weeks of not-"hell" would not be complete without me contemplating things in my life. the latest thing I have been pondering is my friendship with a certain person. He.....yes, "He"....is very passive with me and I guess Im just an emotional guy, I get it from my dad, but if I can trust people with my emotions, why cant he trust me with his. its just frustrating and angering, so I had to talk to someone so i talked to Andy. Best guy to talk to by the way. We had a very long talk and he suggested that I take a break from hanging out with him. So, I am. I just feel that if he cant trust me and I can trust him, whats the point?.......

Ok, its Monday night on the third week, and to save you from reading a never-ending blog, Ill just stop here. Just know that I right this long because everything is ending, and i only have this week and next week left of CHA and class work until Finals. I cant wait until summer!!!!! Whew........

Nervous.......

Oh Lord God, why have you forsaken me with sooo much emotion. No, not really, I like it Lord....in fact, I love it......see, "Love", a strong emotion....Anyway, I am very very nervous about my RA interviews coming up. I know that everyone says that I shouldn't be, but I just am. I was just gifted with soooo much emotion that I instantly feel the strongest of any of my emotions. Good thing that the thing that I can control really well is my anger.

Don't get me wrong, I am confident about it, but I'm still nervous because I have always feared the unknown. The main reason I am nervous is because I feel that I am becoming an RA for the wrong reason. Personally, I wanted to be an RA just to have that staff connection since I haven't had that. When I say that, I mean that I just wanted to truly be involved with the RA staff as a member and I am forgetting what else goes with the job. Most of the time I forget this and that is making me nervous. I see RAs having fun and I forget the purpose of what their job entails. I do have to have fun with the job but I have to remember its purpose, so there has to be a balance. For right now, Im just nervous.........

Crazy......

I just realized that EVERYTHING IS DUE NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!! I have an abstract for my film class due Tuesday. I have an oral presentation for spanish on thursday. Clark Hall's written bid is due that Tuesday as well. Finally, I have to film and edit the skit this week and next week. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Times like this make me wish that this was done before Spring Break.....why me.......

Ill be doing a lot of praying......

Perception(cont.).....

Also, I have become a taker instead of a giver. I'm not talking about my birthday, just other things. I need to give more to the people who support me. I feel that they support me more than I support them. Its just subtle support like nice things that people do for me and I take it without giving some kind of compensation. Even though they say that I shouldnt repay them, they would feel great if I did. I just need to find a dichotomy for what I give and take......

Perception.....

Ive been thinking lately (I know, never a good sign), but I have been thinking about the way I relate to others. I need to change the perception that people have of me when they first see me. In other words, I always look stressed or distressed at something. I haven't been fair to my friends. I need to be more upbeat than I am. Like I've said before, I was never like this last year so now that I am twenty and not teenager anymore, I guess this is the perfect time to start this new outlook.

I don't think that I have been fair to God as well because of the way I've been acting. He knows that I am better than this. I have dealt with bad days before, and now that I am older and exposed to new things I guess bad things are going to become more and more common and this year has been a test on how I can deal with it. I need to trust in the support system I have with my family and friends. I have been blessed with this support so I should respect it as He would intend, but not just for Him for myself as well.....

They're at it again.......

This one's cool.....

Two decades of life......

OMG!!! I am at a loss for words. So, I was coming back from Chicken Express yesterday having dinner because Jenna and Johnny O offered to pay for me as a birthday gift, I entered Clark and there was a huge group of people crowding the front desk. Now, I have never been surprised before so I was shocked when everyone started singing "Happy Birthday" to me and gave me gifts. Wow, I am just amazed how much support I really have. Unfortunately, God did not give me better words to say other than, "THANK YOU!!!!" I wish i could I say more but there is nothing I else I know. Thank you sooo much guys.....

Alright......

I have been really down these last couple of days, I mean REALLY down. I have never had my heart broken in such a way that it really hurts to the point where I feel so insignificant. Its like what Ron Burgundy said, "I have no heart, because a she-devil stole it!!!" Everything can be tailored to that movie. Anyway, I have been alone in my room not talking to anyone except my roommate for the past two days. I just wanted to be alone and sort out these feelings for myself.

It wasn't just the girl problem that got me down, I was also contemplating all of the unusual bad things that have happened to me over the school year. This has never happened to me before. I have never had sooo many bad days before. Well, like I said, I wanted to be by myself and I didn't want to hear any cliche remarks from people about how its going to get better. Trust me, I know that. I just wanted to sort this out for my self and be depressed for a while. Sometimes, having your space is needed. I see that now.

Basically, I'm still not over it, but I am letting myself out of the room. So, to anyone whom I know, if I avoided you or snapped at you, I'm sorry. These are new feelings for me which I have never felt before and I guess this is the way I cope with it.......

Girls......

I think that this is the....seventh time that I have been rejected. For those of you who have been single for a very long time.....I feel for you. There are those of us that women do not see attractive at all and do not even want to get to know us fully at all. The sad fact is, that although most of the so-called hot girls are the superficial/sudo ones, there are those girls with great personalities and whom you automatically connect with that reject you for some stupid minuscule reason that they can not fully back-up.

My roommate once told me last year to not look for love, but let fate guide on your quest and just keep on living your life. Although he was right, I feel that when opportunity knocks that you have to answer the door. I believed today was my opportunity, and regardless of past failure, I was going to be confident. Besides, the one in middle school she had to be the most shocking rejection: she just flat out said no, but it was a tone that suggested a little disgust at the question.

I had known this girl for six months and we were becoming really good friends, so I just don't get it. I know that I am not that attractive, but damn!!!! Oh well.....

I am going to try and not let that ruin the rest of my life and just stop at this point in my life. I mean I am depressed, but i figure that I am only 19 about to be 20, so I have a long life ahead....I hope....I will let fate guide my life and pursue my life's dreams. After all, this is life and I have to cope with rejection, even if it is a whole bunch.......

Tired....

Right now I feel like dozens of nights of going to sleep really late at night is all coming unto me at this one particular night. I got seriously tired around 5pm and I took a serious nap. I woke up still feeling tired. I really need to take more naps or stop going to sleep so late. Although, knowing Andy, he would want me to take more naps.

The Oscars were last night and we had a program in the TV room, but setting up for it was killer and then, I realized how much really don't relax during situations, which is a huge flaw in my life. I guess I do get flustered and stressed over jobs and duties that I have to do in my life. I have always been told to relax and I really should. I just get caught up in the moment and focus on the little things instead of the big picture. I get it from my dad. If I do become an RA I really have to work on that.....

It Has Begun....

As of this moment Lent has begun, and guess what I have given up......MOVIES!!!!! That's right, I am officially rehabilitating myself from my overbearing love of movies. It took loads and loads of contemplation for me to come to this decision since I have never done anything like this before. This has to be the greatest thing that I have ever given up during Lent, and I am going to stick to this no matter what. Here are the terms:

The days that I am not going to watch movies are monday thru friday and since Lent is null and void on the weekend, I am only going to be able to watch two but my goal is to abstain completely. I am only going to watch two if it is only necessary.....I hope...

I believe that Lent helps me gain a closer relationship with God and for the past couple of years I have been taking it for granted and not really celebrating it to the fullest extent to the point where I almost stopped practicing it. Also, I give up something trivial just for the sake of it and it doesnt do anything for me. So, I feel that this Lent will be a turning point in my relationship with God.

It will be hard, Im not going to lie, and despite what others think, I believe that I can do this. I feel that I have broken the 1st Commandment which is Thou Shalt Not Have Any gods Before Me. In my spare time I will discover new things that interest me so that I can come out of my bubble of being invested into one interest. By doing this, I feel that I will have closer relationship with God because I am putting Him first which will, hopefully, teach me a lifelong goal....

I Love Stewie!!!!.....

Happy Single Awareness Day(SAD)!!!.....

No, seriously, Happy Valentine's Day everyone. May that special someone really know and understand how you feel....

Connections....once again....

I had my first Black History Program at Clark on last Wednesday. It was at 7pm in the tv room and it was a discussion panel on every thing to do with racial issues now and in the past. It was crazy. It was sooo hard to contain everyone because everyone had something to say about everything. It lasted until 1130pm!!! Amazing, I know!!!

Anyway, after that program I began to reevaluate the way I perceive my life and try to really notice the way people perceive me. Some of the ways that I have noticed about my life are good and of course some are bad. The way others perceive me is different because there is more bad than good.

Well, at Clark I am perceived and known as the "movie guy" and nothing else. The fact is that throughout most of my life I have been known as that. It grows on you in both a good way and a bad way. People can always count on you when it comes movies and entertainment, although, that is all that they can count on you for because that is all that they think is our purpose.

people have different purposes and interests on this earth and most people have more than one. I am afraid that I think I have just one. I am afraid that this is going to be the only thing in my life that people are going to know me for and it is scary. I can not connect with people in any other way. Basically, I need a life....

In a way, it seems that I am jealous of those around me and I use the term "jealous" very loosely because I just sometimes yearn to have and experience what they have experienced since I have not done much outside of my own one interest.

Well, the real reason I am writing this is that yesterday a friend and I were hungry but I had a meeting to go to and told him that I would call him once i get out. So I do and he is already eating. The thing is, he seems to do stuff like this a lot. Its not just him, but its like that with a lot of my friends making it seem that I don't have the connection that I should if I am their friend. I dont know, maybe I'm not being a good friend.

There are barriers that I feel that I cant get around because I am one of the few people that are black, has an interest outside of sports, and hangs out with other races more often. I guess some people are still not used to a black man hanging out with you. I am mad at my friend but we are only human and I shouldnt concentrate on little problems and look at the big picture: at least he is my friend. The full connection may not be there, but he still is my friend.

Despite it all, I still pray, and I pray for that day when I will be seen by all for more than what they think interests me. My interest does not completely shape who I am.....

Nerds!!!!....

Awkward.....

I recently helped my friend Janna with a school project where she had to come up with an imaginary product that she could sell to others like an infomercial. So we both got to thinking and all of a sudden I came up with the perfect product.....Awkward-Away: It would help people not have awkward moments or conversations. That always happens to me. I dont know why, I guess I just cant talk to people even friends without having some kind of awkward moment. Anyway, Janna loved it and decided to use it.

But, Im focusing on the fact that I have sooo many awkward moments in my life that I guess it has just grown on me. Living at Clark I am constantly surrounded by friends so for me I guess its hard to talk to everyone. I am in a crowded room with bunches of people that I know and they all are talking to one another and have things to say and I have nothing to say. I mean I want to say something, I just dont know what. This also constitutes my lack of female relationship status. It sucks!!!!

For me, to have a conversation means that it has revolve around some form of entertainment, in my case, movies. It gets tedious after so many years and I yearn to relate to other things but I feel that I missed out on certain things that everyone else has experienced. Every time a friend of mine starts a conversation with another that is interesting, common knowledge, or just a funny topic, I just say to myself why cant I think of stuff like that to talk about. Im sure Im not the only one who has these problems. Talk to my friend Janna she has a product that can help you.....

Hyde's evil results....

My family has always told me that I dont know my own strength and that I can be hulk when motivated. Well, as you know, I dont play sports a lot and so having all of that sports persistance bottled up inside, sometimes explodes when i do play sports. Its kind of like a Jekyll and Hyde complex. So, being involved in Clark means that sometimes I play some sports for fun. Well, we play soccer at midnight on fridays, which is Johnny-O's program. Although I try to suppress it, my Hyde complex comes out every time I play sports and I get crazy and tough. Recently, its been towards women. Trust me, I have been feeling horrible about this because the last thing that I ever want to do is hurt a woman.

Ok, the day was sunday and ben, johnny o, and I were playing ultimate frisbee with others. Well, johnny o's team had the frisbee and it was about to be thrown to johnny so I thought I would intercept. Well, we collided, his foot wrapped around mine and twisted, and he fell. At first he looked fine until I saw him crawling on the ground. i rushed over to him and noticed that his right foot started to swell up incredibly fast, "Oh, crap!!!" So, Ben and I were told to go to the hospital and we found out that he had broken his ankle.

Needless to say, the remainder of the day and Monday i really felt like total crap. I have never felt so bad within myself so i didnt let anyone see or talk to me because of how I was. I am currently still recovering but trust me, I am so much better than I was. i really have to watch my Hyde complex because it is messing up nice things in my life. Sometimes, "I'm sorry" just isnt enough....

Frustrating People.....

I just talked to my friend Keaton who has had a crush on this girl we both know and he finally asked this girl out, just to do something small to see where it might lead. Well, the girl told him that she was very busy and gave a very strong and compelling argument. We found out later that she was still here when she said she had to leave which really pissed Keaton off and I dont blame him. I feel for you man. I have the same problem with women and it sucks, badly.

Also, a certain staff member at Clark has really been getting on my nerves lately. I should say that this person has been getting on my nerves since I first moved to Clark my freshman year, but Im a person that likes to give people chances so I figure that he (yes, its a he) will change over time, which I thought he did but I was wrong. He plays around a lot saying that he hates me because he says it in a very sarcastic voice. Although, lately he has been demonstrating this to me a lot which has really been annoying me. Have you ever met a person who everyone likes and that person likes everyone else except you for some odd reason? I hate to not like people but this person is really making it hard for me to resist the urge.

Dont get me wrong, I can take a joke. I have been made fun of for more than half of my life and become used to it since I have realized that Im just an easy person to joke with, but I do have a line that I draw and once you have crossed it, its hard to cross back.

But hey, I cant change people's outlook on the world no matter how much I want to. As a wise man once said, "You cant change the world, but you can make a dent"-Edward Norton. There will always be people who cross that line and frustrate me, but I must learn to deal with it.

And yes, I know why Ben, people are stupid. I dont mention the name of the person who has been frustrating me because if I read this years later I hope that will have forgotten that this person has angered me and it wont matter anymore, hopefully.....

Road Ahead....

Well, The Lord of the Rings Marathon is over and Im amazed that it only took 11 hours to watch it because I seriously thought it would take longer than that since it was the extended versions. Oh well, its over and it was success even though we didnt have the projector. Everyone loved having my sound system in the TV room. It really is needed for that room. Clark seriously should consider getting one.

Life has been going very well lately which is the way it should be. I think things are much better here at Clark Hall at the beginning of this semester. The people are more adept to everyone since we have all come to know each other. The new people here are incredible as well. I also got a new roommate named Robert who is pretty cool and I dont think there will be any problems, heaven forbid.

Right now things are fine. Johnny O still makes pranks, Ben still thinks he's always right, but a good person for advice, and Andy still has some self-loathing but ironically is still a good person to go to for any kind of philosophical advice.

right now, I look forward to the road ahead, even though I have been a person who has had anxiety about the future....

IM BACK!!!!!.....

Hey world, Ryan is back and finally has a new laptop!!! This thing is amazing, I swear. Its much better than my old one. Well, I guess I have to fill you in on the events that have happened since I last left you...

First of all, I am keeping my promise and bringing in this year with a smile. When I returned to Clark it was awesome to see everyone back from the break and it was great to have a 3-person room to myself for a whole week. I watched a ton of movies and hung out in the TV room a lot since I had it all to myself. The first couple of days I was in Clark by myself since the RAs were at training, so it was kind of bittersweet to have Clark to myself. I did get bored and began to wish I was an RA but I knew its going to happen next semester so it was cool.

I did, however, become the honorary RA of Clark Hall while all of them were gone. Carl, the AHD, had me doing RA type jobs around the dorm to get ready for the residents to move in. It was fun and good training.

It was nice to see all of the residents come back and start to rekindle things back at Clark. We truly are not just a community but a family as well.

It was a long weekend to rest and relax with friends at every corner. On MLKJ Day, I hooked up my sound system to test it out for my Lord of the Rings Marathon and it worked very well. Then, I got many petitions to watch movies in there with the system so we watched a couple and judging by everyone's excitement I decided to hook it up in there more often, preferably during the weekend.

All of my classes are going very well so far and I think this semester will be better than last semester because I am no longer under the tyranny of Astronomy.

Ok, on wednesday, January 10th, I predicted that it would snow exactly a week from that day and no one believed me since I saw it on weather.com. I kept on saying it but no one believed me. Then, on the next wednesday, I got a call at 7:15am from Johnny O stating that I was right and he was wrong and he told me to look outside, and I just yelled at the top of my lungs. Needless to say, I had bragging rights all day while having snowball fights, watching movies, and drinking hot chocolate. It was a good day.

Well, thats it for right now, except that I am sick, but its just my nose running. My throat stopped hurting yesterday so Im good. Today is also Mr. Jumper's birthday so happy birthday to you Ben. I hoped you like the thoughtful gifts that everyone got for you. I cant wait to go to Olive garden tomorrow. Friday is going to be amazing since it is the first Friday that I dont have classes.....YES!!!!!

Hello 2007!!!!....

The year is finally over and time to start anew!!! Happy belated New Year!!!

I just got back from vacation and it was amazing!!!! I have never had so much fun with my brother, sister-in-law, and my nephew. If anyone has never been skiing then I suggest you do it before you die because it is sooo much fun!!! We drove to the Apalachian Mountains and skiied at a place called Shanendoah Valley. It was beautiful up there, and so cold!!! The snow was so thick that it reached my knees sometimes. Now, to make a long story short, I did not ski on any mountain where you would have to be a professional, i started out very small since it was my first time, and let me tell you, I fell so many times that my brother could not stop laughing and neither could I. But, it was fun to fall into the snow, I loved it!!! we stayed there for two days since we had to travel to Birmingham, Alabama for my uncle's funeral. It was a really nice funeral because I learned so much more about my uncle that I didnt know. He was a very religious person and had a lot of strength. Also, it was nice to get to hang out with all of my cousins while I was there. We went to the mall, saw the movie Dreamgirls, which is a fantastic movie by the way, and we just hung out. It was a very relaxing vacation. The East Coast is beautiful. As me, my brother, and my nephew were driving back from Birmingham to DC, we saw numerous mountains along the way that were just awe-inspiring. It was really cool to get to spend a lot of much-needed time with my brother because as I grow up, he sees a lot of himself in me when he was growing up, which makes him an even more awesome brother because hew gives me a lot of advice.

Yes, I needed that vacation soooo badly because of all the frustrations Ive had. What's funny is that there were frustrations also during my vacation, but it did not bother me. Too many to mention, but just know that I did not and would not let it get to me. I still dont get the deal, but Im tired of worrying about it, so Im welcoming this year with a smile.... :^)