Pride....

A lot of people say it's fear, but when you really think about it, pride is the root of all sin. It instigates our drive to fear and anger.

I was tested a lot today and yesterday within myself and how others affected me. We are all prideful about something personal and the fear of losing it catapults our anger, whether it be an insult to our good nature or flaws. Of course, with family and friends that is another story entirely.

Always lift up your family, even if their faults may have a bad reflection upon you, and always lookout for your friends. If a friend falls or someone else trips him, try to be there to pick them back up. "No greater love is there than for a person to lay down their life for a friend."

But I digress (big word!), I have tried to quell my anger my entire life because I refuse to become what others try to make me become. To put it simply, the past haunts me and I put up with a lot of insults growing up, which both hurt and helped me become who I am. First of all, I come from a family of sensitive people, so it is already ingrained in me, however, it means emotions manifest very deeply. I have the capacity to over exert my emotions.

If you knew me, I'm very optimistic and passionate about things in life, and I try to be that person that is welcoming to anyone. I try to never allow anyone to see me angry because it's a foreign thing that is scary, even for me.

Yesterday, I was angry with myself for a work-related accident that really could have been avoided and today I was angry at a coworker who doesn't outright insult me, but continuously judges my nature because I am way too different than what they prefer me to be. Unfortunately, the person is just way to self-absorbed anyway, so in reality I shouldn't think much of it. But, it just finally got to me today because it added to the already shameful feelings I had yesterday. I left the office, went outside, and cooled off.

I was mad, frustrated, and stated how that person's nature was so much lower than mine. However, I thought and prayed about it, and saw how my own pride started judging them comparatively. I thought how past insults in my life have affected me, because Lord knows I've endured many like most people. I have usually thought myself better than that person for never degrading myself to their level, but it's a two-way street and I'm condemning myself in the process.

The Beatles said it best, "All you need is Love". All I can do is know what is true and keep following it on through (did I just rhyme without knowing it?). Anyway, we're all human and we get angry, some more than others, but we have to understand that what motivates our anger is our pride. It may suck, but let them insult us, we know what is true in ourselves. And, as always, shit happens, we learn from it and go on. Never dwell on it, because that just provokes an unhealthy, long-standing relationship with what I've been rambling about: pride.....

The 2nd Ten Commandments....

I went to a conference for my job and our keynote speaker was really awesome! He has won the most high school basketball games in history. he survived a devastating, life-threatening car accident when he was in his forties, and while he was recovering from that, he learned he had cancer coursing through his body. Crazy! well, of course he was not going to let that stop him. The cancer was located in his leg so he had it amputated. He is now about seventy-something years old and still in great health.

While he was talking, he gave us some smart quotes and words to take back and the one that stuck with me was a list that said, "The 2nd Ten Commandments" and it spoke to me because it dealt with all the things that I go through in life, while still maintaining a free-grace feel to it. So, i want to share them with you and hope you find it useful too:

1. Though shall not worry; for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
2. Thou shall not be fearful; for most things we fear never come to pass.
3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them; for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes; you can only handle one at a time anyway.
5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you; for they make very poor bedfellows.
6. Thou shall not borrow other people's problems; they can better care for them than you can.
7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone.
8. Thou shall be a good listener; for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own.
9. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration; 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive actions.
10. Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

There you go! I will of course fail at these many times, but they are wise words that have strong roots in the way I plan to live my life.

My verse....

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.
But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at last your care for me has flourished again; though you surely did care, but you lacked opportunity. Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4: 8-13)

Man I love this verse! it fills me with joy every time! It's a phrase I read every time the world's craziness attacks me and pulls me inside. I know it's long but it speaks so much.

Now, just because I may be now at a point that warrants this verse does not mean that I have not meditated on it many times before. This is one of the strong verses that made me seriously reevaluate my relationship with God. Not only does it clearly state our dependence on Him, but it states how my own character should be within the relationship. I have always, always been told that my greatest strength and my greatest weakness is my ability to care and trust too much. I have faltered many times with placing worldly care and trust above Him as many do, and I write this in order for me to continue opening this new chapter in my life.

With every terrible and awesome moment my faith strengthens as I really try to put my full trust in Him and know that I am loved. It's ridiculously hard for me sometimes. It really is ridiculous because I can easily forgive someone but if someone else forgives me, I still find it hard to forgive myself. This chapter is very new for me because I didn't grow up with strong Christian values. I came from a very strict and structured right vs wrong mentality. I was close-minded to the sense that I was ignorant to the lures of the world and religion was just something I was supposed to know. The base of my knowledge was God is good and Jesus died for our sins. The end. I never delved any deeper than that until now. I love where I am now and I hope and pray that never changes. Things in my life may change that I will have to deal with but my relationship with Him won't. I will falter, many times, but He is my security blanket that I can crawl back to. I know I'll be fine and can take on whatever the world throws at me as long I care and trust Him......oh! and remember my verse....

A New Life.....

Well, what can I say....I started this blog while was in college and now that I have graduated, I can now spend more time going back to my second favorite hobby-writing.

To everyone who says that finding a job is hard after college, probably did not try very hard. I can honestly say that in less than a year I have been in three jobs since graduating. I was a receptionist for a senior rec center, which was a lot of fun, because it made me much less afraid of getting old! I worked for North Central Texas College for six months in the admissions department. I had a lot of fun there and learn some very valuable lessons from a dear friend, Kay Barham. I have to say that God led me to that job to meet her. She made me realize my own character and what possibilities I could achieve. I am sad to say that she passed away a couple months ago and it was the first time I have ever had someone outside of my family die very suddenly. It still affects me a little, but I know she wouldn't want me feeling sad for her all the time.

I knew her for only six months, but they were some of the best life-changing months I have ever had. I then got a job back at UNT as an Admissions Counselor. Next to my RA, this is the best job I have ever had! My basic duties are advising prospective students on how to get into UNT, travel and recruit students from different high schools in Texas, and accept or deny students. I basically help students get into college! Of course, the only down-side is when I have to deny a student, but hey! I get to travel a lot and take friends with me!

I will say though, that the job can affect someone's personal life because I can't hangout with friends as much as I use to, but I guess that's a part of being an adult. Speaking of friends, I have grown much closer to God through the relationships I have with my friends and people in general. I have written many times how much of a people-person I am, but it gets hard when you live alone and my friends help me see that I am never alone.

It's weird. I am an adult and there's nothing left to be anxious about. However, I have always strived to maintain that age is only a number and will carry that belief to my grave. God wants me to enjoy life and not worry about tomorrow. He conquered all worry and bad times for me so I can put it all on Him. I thank Him every day for that! I feel more free than I have ever been because of it and now I can begin a new life! I know I will stumble along the way, He knows I will, but I know He will always be there to pick me back up!

Reader, you can tell that this blog is a little different than some of my others. Just know that I am trying to free my self of the past since I have been haunted for way too long. It will take time, but I am finally confident in myself. Confidence is a feeling I have rarely ever felt in my life will strive to hold onto it. If you see me, or know me, feel free to slap me if I do revert back to my old self. Just kidding, but seriously....tell me!

Well, I think that's a good update for 2 years worth of absence! Thanks for reading and God Bless!

PS- I am also dating someone.....yeah, I know-FINALLY! so that might be why I am so happy right now, but who knows......

JD and Turk: Back in the habit...

I'm really going to try this time to get back in the habit of blogging because it really does help me a lot when I write my feelings down.

Let's see...

A lot has happened and I will spare you any long stories so here is the edited version of what's been going on over the months...

In April, I surprisingly became RLAC President by going to a GA, forgetting it was elections, and got nominated. I think it was to make up for the fact that I didn't get the Senior RA job, but still, I was and still am very nervous about doing this. I think I'm doing well so far....

In June, I went on my first date since being in college and it was great, but she was a person who didn't want to be tied down to a boyfriend yet because she wants to get her life in order first, which I can understand.

In late July, The Dark Knight came out and I saw it four times. I know, big surprise...A week later I dealt with my first big RA incident when I walked into my first room for safety checks and the resident had passed away. He committed suicide with a helium tank. I'm fine, but it was an experience.

In late September, once again I unwittingly walked in and was thrust into a position. This time it was an RHA GA and I came in seeing people holding their hands up. I wondered what was going on and right when I was about to sit down, I heard my name being nominated for something and I froze. I asked what it was for and it was for Homecoming King, so...

Homecoming came and Dana Cardone, The RHA President, and I became Homecoming Lord and Lady of UNT. That happened this past Saturday.

Those are the three big events in my life right now. Once again, I'm doing Star Wars on Saturday and I'm going to SWACURH next Thursday.

I love my residents this year compared to last year and our staff right now is amazing, I couldn't ask for a better boss.

I found a really good friend finally, that I can relate to as well. Don't get me wrong, i still hang out with all the other friends I made in college, like Ben and Johnny O, I haven't seen Andy in a while, but it seemed like he felt his journey led away from us, which I respect, and I have lost many a friend to that, so I'm cool.

Austin is cool, but he seems unsure about where he is going, but then again, aren't we all. He'll be a great psychologist one day because it's uncanny how empathic he is. He really is the Neo to my Morpheus, or better yet, the JD to my Turk....take that however you want it....

Fleeting........

Ok, I am welcoming myself back to writing blogs because I have taken too long of a hiatus from blogging and I apologize to people who actually read this, so here it goes.....

I just found out today that I am officially an RTVF major and I am very excited and once again it got me thinking about my life, and yes, I know, here we go......

Anyway, I thought about what it took for me to get here, how long it took me, and what am I going to get out of it? Needless to say Im kinda worried about my future but that is the nature of the college student and in a way I know that this fear will pass because in my opinion we need this fear to drive us forward and not let it conquer us.

Also, friendships.......once again, have been on my mind lately. Mainly the fact that one of staff members just out of the blue asked me if I had a best friend and at first I said, "no" but then I corrected the statement and replied, "I dont know" in the history of my life until now friends have been a pass and go relationship. I have talked about this before with others and they all have told me the exact same thing about enjoying the time in which I know them, but one person told me something that I will never forget. Ryan, think of the impact you are making on each person you meet even if only for a day, an hour or a minute. Each person guides you in some way through life because you learn from them. Even if you dont see them 20 years from now, you still remember them because there will come days when their name will pop up or you might see them out of the blue. If God guides us along, it means that things happen for a reason no matter how small or fleeting. So, if anyone I know or have met is reading this, you are awesome and thanks. I hope to see those who I havent seen in a while sometime in the future. It makes you know that friends and life are not fleeting........

Time Ahead, Time Past, Time Missed.....

These past few days have been very stressful for me. If I had to count all of the things that I had due from the Monday I came back from Thanksgiving Break to now, I have had ten things due in multiple classes just because it is the end of the semester.

So, I am very sorry to all of the people that read my blogs since I havent posted them. Its all just nonsense anyway, I dont know why you read this stuff. Just kidding, but seriously.....

Anyway, another reason why I havent blogged in over a month aside from an overload of work and school is that I have been doing a lot of thinking about my past relationships with friends I have had and have right now and noticed how much things change throughout my life. Think about. You have that one special friend when you are young and you both think you will be friends for years and in some cases that does happen, but then there are those where you have an awesome relationship with and then whether it be days, weeks, months, or years, somehow something will happen where you never see him or her again, but the memories stay with you forever. I know its cliche but its true and from that person you learn and grow into understanding in how that person ran their life.

Needless to say, this has happened to me many times as Im sure it has happened to you and it just got me thinking about the person I was in the past and how much I have grown. I was a different person in elementary school, a different person in middle school, a different person in high school, and now, I am a totally different person in college, which is great because throughout all of this time meeting different people help me grow tremendously to who I am. So, here's to you people who know me. Thanks!!!

Ok, now onto the time ahead because I look at the future and what will happen to me. Right now, Im just a junior in college and I know Im going to be a super senior, but in that process, I am seeing so many good relationships leave me. Sure we say that we will keep in touch and hopefully we do, but what happens next will always be the question. Its sad to think about, I know, but then I think of all the things I have learned about that person and 9 times 10 it works, haha. As I have blogged before, I am not a person who handles change very well, but I adapt eventually.

It just becomes hard to see your life in a different light, but I have done it before and I am confident I can do it now. There is just going to be that hole where there will be time missed.....