Nervous.......

Oh Lord God, why have you forsaken me with sooo much emotion. No, not really, I like it Lord....in fact, I love it......see, "Love", a strong emotion....Anyway, I am very very nervous about my RA interviews coming up. I know that everyone says that I shouldn't be, but I just am. I was just gifted with soooo much emotion that I instantly feel the strongest of any of my emotions. Good thing that the thing that I can control really well is my anger.

Don't get me wrong, I am confident about it, but I'm still nervous because I have always feared the unknown. The main reason I am nervous is because I feel that I am becoming an RA for the wrong reason. Personally, I wanted to be an RA just to have that staff connection since I haven't had that. When I say that, I mean that I just wanted to truly be involved with the RA staff as a member and I am forgetting what else goes with the job. Most of the time I forget this and that is making me nervous. I see RAs having fun and I forget the purpose of what their job entails. I do have to have fun with the job but I have to remember its purpose, so there has to be a balance. For right now, Im just nervous.........

Crazy......

I just realized that EVERYTHING IS DUE NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!! I have an abstract for my film class due Tuesday. I have an oral presentation for spanish on thursday. Clark Hall's written bid is due that Tuesday as well. Finally, I have to film and edit the skit this week and next week. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Times like this make me wish that this was done before Spring Break.....why me.......

Ill be doing a lot of praying......

Perception(cont.).....

Also, I have become a taker instead of a giver. I'm not talking about my birthday, just other things. I need to give more to the people who support me. I feel that they support me more than I support them. Its just subtle support like nice things that people do for me and I take it without giving some kind of compensation. Even though they say that I shouldnt repay them, they would feel great if I did. I just need to find a dichotomy for what I give and take......

Perception.....

Ive been thinking lately (I know, never a good sign), but I have been thinking about the way I relate to others. I need to change the perception that people have of me when they first see me. In other words, I always look stressed or distressed at something. I haven't been fair to my friends. I need to be more upbeat than I am. Like I've said before, I was never like this last year so now that I am twenty and not teenager anymore, I guess this is the perfect time to start this new outlook.

I don't think that I have been fair to God as well because of the way I've been acting. He knows that I am better than this. I have dealt with bad days before, and now that I am older and exposed to new things I guess bad things are going to become more and more common and this year has been a test on how I can deal with it. I need to trust in the support system I have with my family and friends. I have been blessed with this support so I should respect it as He would intend, but not just for Him for myself as well.....

They're at it again.......

This one's cool.....

Two decades of life......

OMG!!! I am at a loss for words. So, I was coming back from Chicken Express yesterday having dinner because Jenna and Johnny O offered to pay for me as a birthday gift, I entered Clark and there was a huge group of people crowding the front desk. Now, I have never been surprised before so I was shocked when everyone started singing "Happy Birthday" to me and gave me gifts. Wow, I am just amazed how much support I really have. Unfortunately, God did not give me better words to say other than, "THANK YOU!!!!" I wish i could I say more but there is nothing I else I know. Thank you sooo much guys.....

Alright......

I have been really down these last couple of days, I mean REALLY down. I have never had my heart broken in such a way that it really hurts to the point where I feel so insignificant. Its like what Ron Burgundy said, "I have no heart, because a she-devil stole it!!!" Everything can be tailored to that movie. Anyway, I have been alone in my room not talking to anyone except my roommate for the past two days. I just wanted to be alone and sort out these feelings for myself.

It wasn't just the girl problem that got me down, I was also contemplating all of the unusual bad things that have happened to me over the school year. This has never happened to me before. I have never had sooo many bad days before. Well, like I said, I wanted to be by myself and I didn't want to hear any cliche remarks from people about how its going to get better. Trust me, I know that. I just wanted to sort this out for my self and be depressed for a while. Sometimes, having your space is needed. I see that now.

Basically, I'm still not over it, but I am letting myself out of the room. So, to anyone whom I know, if I avoided you or snapped at you, I'm sorry. These are new feelings for me which I have never felt before and I guess this is the way I cope with it.......

Girls......

I think that this is the....seventh time that I have been rejected. For those of you who have been single for a very long time.....I feel for you. There are those of us that women do not see attractive at all and do not even want to get to know us fully at all. The sad fact is, that although most of the so-called hot girls are the superficial/sudo ones, there are those girls with great personalities and whom you automatically connect with that reject you for some stupid minuscule reason that they can not fully back-up.

My roommate once told me last year to not look for love, but let fate guide on your quest and just keep on living your life. Although he was right, I feel that when opportunity knocks that you have to answer the door. I believed today was my opportunity, and regardless of past failure, I was going to be confident. Besides, the one in middle school she had to be the most shocking rejection: she just flat out said no, but it was a tone that suggested a little disgust at the question.

I had known this girl for six months and we were becoming really good friends, so I just don't get it. I know that I am not that attractive, but damn!!!! Oh well.....

I am going to try and not let that ruin the rest of my life and just stop at this point in my life. I mean I am depressed, but i figure that I am only 19 about to be 20, so I have a long life ahead....I hope....I will let fate guide my life and pursue my life's dreams. After all, this is life and I have to cope with rejection, even if it is a whole bunch.......

Tired....

Right now I feel like dozens of nights of going to sleep really late at night is all coming unto me at this one particular night. I got seriously tired around 5pm and I took a serious nap. I woke up still feeling tired. I really need to take more naps or stop going to sleep so late. Although, knowing Andy, he would want me to take more naps.

The Oscars were last night and we had a program in the TV room, but setting up for it was killer and then, I realized how much really don't relax during situations, which is a huge flaw in my life. I guess I do get flustered and stressed over jobs and duties that I have to do in my life. I have always been told to relax and I really should. I just get caught up in the moment and focus on the little things instead of the big picture. I get it from my dad. If I do become an RA I really have to work on that.....

It Has Begun....

As of this moment Lent has begun, and guess what I have given up......MOVIES!!!!! That's right, I am officially rehabilitating myself from my overbearing love of movies. It took loads and loads of contemplation for me to come to this decision since I have never done anything like this before. This has to be the greatest thing that I have ever given up during Lent, and I am going to stick to this no matter what. Here are the terms:

The days that I am not going to watch movies are monday thru friday and since Lent is null and void on the weekend, I am only going to be able to watch two but my goal is to abstain completely. I am only going to watch two if it is only necessary.....I hope...

I believe that Lent helps me gain a closer relationship with God and for the past couple of years I have been taking it for granted and not really celebrating it to the fullest extent to the point where I almost stopped practicing it. Also, I give up something trivial just for the sake of it and it doesnt do anything for me. So, I feel that this Lent will be a turning point in my relationship with God.

It will be hard, Im not going to lie, and despite what others think, I believe that I can do this. I feel that I have broken the 1st Commandment which is Thou Shalt Not Have Any gods Before Me. In my spare time I will discover new things that interest me so that I can come out of my bubble of being invested into one interest. By doing this, I feel that I will have closer relationship with God because I am putting Him first which will, hopefully, teach me a lifelong goal....

I Love Stewie!!!!.....

Happy Single Awareness Day(SAD)!!!.....

No, seriously, Happy Valentine's Day everyone. May that special someone really know and understand how you feel....

Connections....once again....

I had my first Black History Program at Clark on last Wednesday. It was at 7pm in the tv room and it was a discussion panel on every thing to do with racial issues now and in the past. It was crazy. It was sooo hard to contain everyone because everyone had something to say about everything. It lasted until 1130pm!!! Amazing, I know!!!

Anyway, after that program I began to reevaluate the way I perceive my life and try to really notice the way people perceive me. Some of the ways that I have noticed about my life are good and of course some are bad. The way others perceive me is different because there is more bad than good.

Well, at Clark I am perceived and known as the "movie guy" and nothing else. The fact is that throughout most of my life I have been known as that. It grows on you in both a good way and a bad way. People can always count on you when it comes movies and entertainment, although, that is all that they can count on you for because that is all that they think is our purpose.

people have different purposes and interests on this earth and most people have more than one. I am afraid that I think I have just one. I am afraid that this is going to be the only thing in my life that people are going to know me for and it is scary. I can not connect with people in any other way. Basically, I need a life....

In a way, it seems that I am jealous of those around me and I use the term "jealous" very loosely because I just sometimes yearn to have and experience what they have experienced since I have not done much outside of my own one interest.

Well, the real reason I am writing this is that yesterday a friend and I were hungry but I had a meeting to go to and told him that I would call him once i get out. So I do and he is already eating. The thing is, he seems to do stuff like this a lot. Its not just him, but its like that with a lot of my friends making it seem that I don't have the connection that I should if I am their friend. I dont know, maybe I'm not being a good friend.

There are barriers that I feel that I cant get around because I am one of the few people that are black, has an interest outside of sports, and hangs out with other races more often. I guess some people are still not used to a black man hanging out with you. I am mad at my friend but we are only human and I shouldnt concentrate on little problems and look at the big picture: at least he is my friend. The full connection may not be there, but he still is my friend.

Despite it all, I still pray, and I pray for that day when I will be seen by all for more than what they think interests me. My interest does not completely shape who I am.....

Nerds!!!!....

Awkward.....

I recently helped my friend Janna with a school project where she had to come up with an imaginary product that she could sell to others like an infomercial. So we both got to thinking and all of a sudden I came up with the perfect product.....Awkward-Away: It would help people not have awkward moments or conversations. That always happens to me. I dont know why, I guess I just cant talk to people even friends without having some kind of awkward moment. Anyway, Janna loved it and decided to use it.

But, Im focusing on the fact that I have sooo many awkward moments in my life that I guess it has just grown on me. Living at Clark I am constantly surrounded by friends so for me I guess its hard to talk to everyone. I am in a crowded room with bunches of people that I know and they all are talking to one another and have things to say and I have nothing to say. I mean I want to say something, I just dont know what. This also constitutes my lack of female relationship status. It sucks!!!!

For me, to have a conversation means that it has revolve around some form of entertainment, in my case, movies. It gets tedious after so many years and I yearn to relate to other things but I feel that I missed out on certain things that everyone else has experienced. Every time a friend of mine starts a conversation with another that is interesting, common knowledge, or just a funny topic, I just say to myself why cant I think of stuff like that to talk about. Im sure Im not the only one who has these problems. Talk to my friend Janna she has a product that can help you.....

Hyde's evil results....

My family has always told me that I dont know my own strength and that I can be hulk when motivated. Well, as you know, I dont play sports a lot and so having all of that sports persistance bottled up inside, sometimes explodes when i do play sports. Its kind of like a Jekyll and Hyde complex. So, being involved in Clark means that sometimes I play some sports for fun. Well, we play soccer at midnight on fridays, which is Johnny-O's program. Although I try to suppress it, my Hyde complex comes out every time I play sports and I get crazy and tough. Recently, its been towards women. Trust me, I have been feeling horrible about this because the last thing that I ever want to do is hurt a woman.

Ok, the day was sunday and ben, johnny o, and I were playing ultimate frisbee with others. Well, johnny o's team had the frisbee and it was about to be thrown to johnny so I thought I would intercept. Well, we collided, his foot wrapped around mine and twisted, and he fell. At first he looked fine until I saw him crawling on the ground. i rushed over to him and noticed that his right foot started to swell up incredibly fast, "Oh, crap!!!" So, Ben and I were told to go to the hospital and we found out that he had broken his ankle.

Needless to say, the remainder of the day and Monday i really felt like total crap. I have never felt so bad within myself so i didnt let anyone see or talk to me because of how I was. I am currently still recovering but trust me, I am so much better than I was. i really have to watch my Hyde complex because it is messing up nice things in my life. Sometimes, "I'm sorry" just isnt enough....

Frustrating People.....

I just talked to my friend Keaton who has had a crush on this girl we both know and he finally asked this girl out, just to do something small to see where it might lead. Well, the girl told him that she was very busy and gave a very strong and compelling argument. We found out later that she was still here when she said she had to leave which really pissed Keaton off and I dont blame him. I feel for you man. I have the same problem with women and it sucks, badly.

Also, a certain staff member at Clark has really been getting on my nerves lately. I should say that this person has been getting on my nerves since I first moved to Clark my freshman year, but Im a person that likes to give people chances so I figure that he (yes, its a he) will change over time, which I thought he did but I was wrong. He plays around a lot saying that he hates me because he says it in a very sarcastic voice. Although, lately he has been demonstrating this to me a lot which has really been annoying me. Have you ever met a person who everyone likes and that person likes everyone else except you for some odd reason? I hate to not like people but this person is really making it hard for me to resist the urge.

Dont get me wrong, I can take a joke. I have been made fun of for more than half of my life and become used to it since I have realized that Im just an easy person to joke with, but I do have a line that I draw and once you have crossed it, its hard to cross back.

But hey, I cant change people's outlook on the world no matter how much I want to. As a wise man once said, "You cant change the world, but you can make a dent"-Edward Norton. There will always be people who cross that line and frustrate me, but I must learn to deal with it.

And yes, I know why Ben, people are stupid. I dont mention the name of the person who has been frustrating me because if I read this years later I hope that will have forgotten that this person has angered me and it wont matter anymore, hopefully.....

Road Ahead....

Well, The Lord of the Rings Marathon is over and Im amazed that it only took 11 hours to watch it because I seriously thought it would take longer than that since it was the extended versions. Oh well, its over and it was success even though we didnt have the projector. Everyone loved having my sound system in the TV room. It really is needed for that room. Clark seriously should consider getting one.

Life has been going very well lately which is the way it should be. I think things are much better here at Clark Hall at the beginning of this semester. The people are more adept to everyone since we have all come to know each other. The new people here are incredible as well. I also got a new roommate named Robert who is pretty cool and I dont think there will be any problems, heaven forbid.

Right now things are fine. Johnny O still makes pranks, Ben still thinks he's always right, but a good person for advice, and Andy still has some self-loathing but ironically is still a good person to go to for any kind of philosophical advice.

right now, I look forward to the road ahead, even though I have been a person who has had anxiety about the future....

IM BACK!!!!!.....

Hey world, Ryan is back and finally has a new laptop!!! This thing is amazing, I swear. Its much better than my old one. Well, I guess I have to fill you in on the events that have happened since I last left you...

First of all, I am keeping my promise and bringing in this year with a smile. When I returned to Clark it was awesome to see everyone back from the break and it was great to have a 3-person room to myself for a whole week. I watched a ton of movies and hung out in the TV room a lot since I had it all to myself. The first couple of days I was in Clark by myself since the RAs were at training, so it was kind of bittersweet to have Clark to myself. I did get bored and began to wish I was an RA but I knew its going to happen next semester so it was cool.

I did, however, become the honorary RA of Clark Hall while all of them were gone. Carl, the AHD, had me doing RA type jobs around the dorm to get ready for the residents to move in. It was fun and good training.

It was nice to see all of the residents come back and start to rekindle things back at Clark. We truly are not just a community but a family as well.

It was a long weekend to rest and relax with friends at every corner. On MLKJ Day, I hooked up my sound system to test it out for my Lord of the Rings Marathon and it worked very well. Then, I got many petitions to watch movies in there with the system so we watched a couple and judging by everyone's excitement I decided to hook it up in there more often, preferably during the weekend.

All of my classes are going very well so far and I think this semester will be better than last semester because I am no longer under the tyranny of Astronomy.

Ok, on wednesday, January 10th, I predicted that it would snow exactly a week from that day and no one believed me since I saw it on weather.com. I kept on saying it but no one believed me. Then, on the next wednesday, I got a call at 7:15am from Johnny O stating that I was right and he was wrong and he told me to look outside, and I just yelled at the top of my lungs. Needless to say, I had bragging rights all day while having snowball fights, watching movies, and drinking hot chocolate. It was a good day.

Well, thats it for right now, except that I am sick, but its just my nose running. My throat stopped hurting yesterday so Im good. Today is also Mr. Jumper's birthday so happy birthday to you Ben. I hoped you like the thoughtful gifts that everyone got for you. I cant wait to go to Olive garden tomorrow. Friday is going to be amazing since it is the first Friday that I dont have classes.....YES!!!!!

Hello 2007!!!!....

The year is finally over and time to start anew!!! Happy belated New Year!!!

I just got back from vacation and it was amazing!!!! I have never had so much fun with my brother, sister-in-law, and my nephew. If anyone has never been skiing then I suggest you do it before you die because it is sooo much fun!!! We drove to the Apalachian Mountains and skiied at a place called Shanendoah Valley. It was beautiful up there, and so cold!!! The snow was so thick that it reached my knees sometimes. Now, to make a long story short, I did not ski on any mountain where you would have to be a professional, i started out very small since it was my first time, and let me tell you, I fell so many times that my brother could not stop laughing and neither could I. But, it was fun to fall into the snow, I loved it!!! we stayed there for two days since we had to travel to Birmingham, Alabama for my uncle's funeral. It was a really nice funeral because I learned so much more about my uncle that I didnt know. He was a very religious person and had a lot of strength. Also, it was nice to get to hang out with all of my cousins while I was there. We went to the mall, saw the movie Dreamgirls, which is a fantastic movie by the way, and we just hung out. It was a very relaxing vacation. The East Coast is beautiful. As me, my brother, and my nephew were driving back from Birmingham to DC, we saw numerous mountains along the way that were just awe-inspiring. It was really cool to get to spend a lot of much-needed time with my brother because as I grow up, he sees a lot of himself in me when he was growing up, which makes him an even more awesome brother because hew gives me a lot of advice.

Yes, I needed that vacation soooo badly because of all the frustrations Ive had. What's funny is that there were frustrations also during my vacation, but it did not bother me. Too many to mention, but just know that I did not and would not let it get to me. I still dont get the deal, but Im tired of worrying about it, so Im welcoming this year with a smile.... :^)